Fall Out

[Deleted member 1860]

I think what I hate most is the fall out after an episode. I had an episode this week and I think I lost FIVE people as I pushed them away. The thing is I don't even care right now because I've entered my numb phase of the cycle. My freak out ended yesterday and was brought on by something that frequently stresses me out in life. Well, the event passed and the episode ended. I've apologized to two people (screw the others) but I don't think they're coming back. Its not that I don't care, because I rationally/logically DO, its just that I don't feel it right now. I'm just like "eh, it happens. I'm ok without them and I can find new people!" Easy come, easy go, right? Its sad that I'm so used to this cycle that I know what its all about and it isn't even phasing me right now. REALLY SAD because I was close with one of these people! I just keep praying that I stay numb for awhile. I don't want the emotions to hit me this week. Sigh.

 

[Kefira]

I'm sorry you're hurting. And I know the feeling of waiting for the emotions to catch up after something like that happens. I've pushed away a fair number of people in the past 6 or so years, and while a lot of them weren't worth my time it really is hurtful when someone you care about finally calls it quits on you. At least you were able to apologize to the ones who mattered. Sometimes that's all you can do.

:hug:s if you'll have them. Please know you aren't alone.

 

[scout86]

I wish I could, reliably, put words to my thoughts!

My truest and longest friends (a very small group) have always, somehow, been able to ride through those times and not hold it against me. I have NO idea why they think it's worth the effort!

I hope the fall out isn't as bad as you're anticipating. When the emotions show up, how about a little "radical acceptance"?

Peace!

 

[Friday]

Yeah... I'm sick to death of my own BS, too. Stupid effing patterns.

For the longest time, I simply accepted that part of being my friend included the superpowers of
- being ignored, sometimes for years at a time, without taking it personally.
- being amused by my outbursts &/ moods, instead of reacting negatively to them
- possible dementia &/or brain damage
This was me. Like me or not. That's on you. Meanwhile, I like you fine. That's the only side I need to worry about. We're each adults capable of choosing our own friends.

I've lost that kind of easy self confidence.

Attempting to get a handle on things again, though, has also come along with a great deal less acceptance for other people's right to choose who is in their lives. I don't like my patterns, so they're not allowed to be okay with them, either. Which means I've gone to all kinds of extra effort in pushing people away, hard. In addition to my normal "Bite me, go away" periods, I've actively sabotaged people getting close. :wtf: So frustrated with myself at present. I've lost so many people these past few years.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The emotions showed up and I didn't want them so I took a few meds and ended up sleeping. Still tired, and one friend isn't returning my texts. Very sad. I will try and call him later this week. I did ask for final closure if that's what he wants. I can't handle just walking away, so I hope at the very least he can tell me "goodbye". Not knowing is worse than anything.

 

[sweetcandy]

I spent years pushing people away and sabotaging relationships and I still do. I get so frustrated with myself at times because I ignore people or have outbursts. I have sabotaged so many "good" friendships because of this. No one truly understands how hard it is to maintain friendships with people after experiencing abuse and trauma unless they have been through it.

It always hurts when friendships are lost. I have ruined so many because of this BS ptsd. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be able to maintain good friendships as I am totally used to this cycle as well.

It's good to remember that what you experienced is not your fault and the episode that you had was a result of previous trauma and feeling unsafe at the time. It always hurts when friendships are lost. I've just lost a couple myself so I feel your pain. It's good that you apologised to two of them. Hopefully in time they will come around and you will be able to continue the friendship. If not, the emotions will be difficult. My T always tries to remind me that emotions are transparent and it's safe to feel them.

 

[scout86]

one friend isn't returning my texts

I'm hoping his phone is broken!

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm a bit torn what to say @Solara . On the one hand I hope you can work things out, & be able to reconcile. I guess a lot depends on the relationship, how long you've known each other etc?

On the other hand (it's just me), if something is unbearable to someone, I wouldn't want them to accept it, or hide it. It may not be my intention, but I don't want to harm or burden anyone else either.

I know you're not big on hugs per se, but in this case I send a virtual one.