Falling Back Into That Black Hole

[ButterflyPEI]

I recently completed an 8 week inpatient program for PTSD and got a lot out of it. I came home with a a lot of anxiety about the changes I needed to make in my life, but I was ready to work on making the changes. I made the biggest decision of my life while away. I decided I was going to live my life and make the best of it instead of just sitting around waiting to die.

That was going pretty well. I was not feeling great but I was feeling better, a little lighter I guess the word would be. I visited with my sister for a week after my program and then with a friend before flying home on August 20th. I was getting along fairly well after getting home until last Thursday.

Last Thursday I had a car accident. Was hit from behind and rammed into a car in front of me. I have bad whiplash and a bruised collarbone. I was ok with it at first, or as ok with it as I could be. But the pain is really starting to get me down. I can't do anything because of the pain. I'm falling back into my old ways of sleeping all the time, focusing on death and all the negatives in my life. I just do not want to go on.

I know that this pain is temporary, at least it better be. But I feel stuck and powerless right now and can not handle it. I want to die. I want to feel peace. I'm going crazy. what is wrong with me?

 

[Ian Vp]

Hi Butterfly,
I dont know about your trauma but I constantly question myself and can relate to feelings of going crazy and the downward spiral.

From what you have written I think you have done amazingly well by completing the PTSD course and having to travel etc. It sounds like it was pretty powerful stuff.

I was riding the high of your emotion in making decisions about your life and followed the low of the car accident. That is a lot for you to deal with. I am trying to stop myself from some of those behaviours and being in physical pain from the accident would make it easy to slip back. Try and think of some of the things you learnt during your course, I know it might be a bit forced but use what you have learnt.

I am going to do a PTSD course when the Dr's say that I am ready to cope with it. It is 2 days a week for 10 weeks. I am interested to know about the course you did. I dont know how I will go.

Just keep going, small steps. I dont have the answers but I know that I have to keep going. If you read enough posts on here you will see that people can improve their health and get back a lot of their life. I have had similar negitive thoughts but I know that I can be a positive influence on the life of other people in my family and while I know I am not always at the moment the only thing that brings me any peace is to think that I can do simple things that my kids willl remember and think I am a good dad.

It isnt a lot but it is what I cling to.

Hope this finds you in better spirits and know that there is nothing wrong with you, you are dealing with PTSD and were involved in an accident which would upset any of us.

Look forward to seeing more posts.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with Ian Vp.

And Ian- it will mean a lot to your kids, you are right you're an excellent dad. :)

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Thank you both. I had a better day today thankfully. But I'm not as good as I was pre accident. I guess maybe it will just take some time. Pain is just so exhausting!

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Butterfly)))))

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Thank you Bloom! I'm feeling a little bit better again today but still quite down. I'm starting to really worry about it. Wondering if I should see my doc. I will see how things go next week. Thanks again for the hugs!

 

[IvyMillie]

It's very interesting how things can affect us. What I went through is nothing what you are, but it taught me how fragile we can be. I have a couple of ailments that I usually deal with okay. However, this summer I hurt my foot and didn't walk for 2 months.

As minute as that was--it really messed with my head. I got really deppressed. Logically this made no sense to me. I think it's because I already feel as you described powerless and this one other thing just really affected me in terrible ways emotionally and mentally.

I'm normally a positive person, but I just got really negative and down. I wonder if because you were putting so much energy into making all those changes, when the accident came it took more of your energy and you didn't have any to spare.

Sometimes it's like we are hanging on by a thread and then it's like Yikes someone cuts the thread. I'm not sure we always realize how fragile we may be until this happens.

Pain can also affect a person emotionally--it takes alot of physical and mental energy to cope with long-term pain. Ha I had that a couple of years ago--and I really came to sympathize with people with chronic pain. It changes your personality and you have to fight fight not just the pain, but the mental part of it. It's like you just get totally worn down.

You have these things, plus just the part of dealing with an accident. So although, it made you feel really bad--I think anyone would have felt the same way.

Once a long time ago I read an article about ovecoming some addiction like alcohol/cigarrettes or whatever. It had an illustration of a man climbing a long set of stairs. The man was going upwards. The illustration was about how a person overcoming these things will have setbacks and lose a few steps and maybe go down a few steps.

However, not to get discouraged by these setbacks, but to look at the entire picture. The person had gained ground each time. So each time he tried he gained 6 steps. When he faltered he lost a couple of steps. He was still ahead by 4. So please don't get discouraged this is a minor setback. Although, its aggravating and frustrating to have to go through that.

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Ivy,

Thank you so very much. I needed to hear all of that. I think I knew it all and it made sense to me that the accident what draining everything out of me, but I needed to hear from someone else that it is ok! I thank you so much for that.

Today again was a better day. Had a very slow start with pain and stiffness and was very tired this morning but the day improved. I kept busy once I got going and had a great evening laughing with a friend.

It is so amazing how sometimes someone will say that right thing right at the time you need to hear it. That just happened for me!

 

[IvyMillie]

I'm glad you are doing better. It is frustrating to have setbacks. However, life isn't easy and it seems one inevitably has setbacks. I hope that you will get better and better. It's great that you are working so hard on dealing with your PTSD. I hope the program really helped you.

Take good care of yourself.

 

[ronin47]

There's nothing wrong with you. Life brings us challenges all the time, and making big decisions and positive choices for ourselves unfortunately does not change that. I wish there was some kind of a honeymoon period after making a big change where we couldn't have any catastrophes, but unfortunately it just doesn't work like that. I'm reminded of one particular woman who was a drug addict and now works in the drug rehabilitation field. She got out of her residential drug treatement program and within the year directly following that her sister, brother, mother, grandfather, best friend, and boyfriend all died from various causes. :confused:

You're bedridden with very little to distract you, of course your mind is going to wander to places you don't necessarily want it to. The week before classes started I was in my dorm by myself and wasn't getting any real exercise to speak of, I just about lost it. Of course it didn't help that I had a whole bunch of stress leftover from the summer, but I had lost one of my primary coping tools.

The best advice I can give is to find little hobbies that can occupy your mind but don't require much exertion. Sudoku is my personal favorite. I took it up about a year ago and it's now the thing I do whenever I'm sitting and waiting for something.

Get well soon Butterfly. I'll be sending you healing thoughts.

Dear Lord, I ask you to turn Butterfly's weakness into strength, suffering into compassion, sorrow into joy, and pain into comfort. May your servant trust in your goodness and hope in your faithfulness, even in the middle of this suffering. Let her be filled with patience and joy in your presence as she waits for your healing touch.