Family And Ptsd

[joeylittle]

Here you go, @Trace911
So Cal Turns To No Cal
And you might find this useful:
Link Removed

 

[Trace911]

Appreciated @joeylittle

 

[Trace911]

Appreciated @joeylittle

 

[Trace911]

Looks like I'm not going to be smart enough to fit in here. Tech has never been my thing, but I wish you all the best.

 

[joeylittle]

For what it's worth, @Trace911, tech isn't my thing either :). You're really welcome to stay. And just post questions in the Help Desk. You can get there by clicking the blue link at the bottom of my post. Hope you give it a shot.

 

[Trace911]

I keep trying to reply, but the server won't recognize me. @shimmerz - thanks to help from Joey little I was able to read your original post. I strongly suggest that you reread it as well. You knew then that this guy was not supporting you in your own health. I've been through pancreatitis after being stabbed multiple times in the abdomen. It's not just about alcoholism, it's also very much about stress. It sounds to me like you are focusing your life on this guy, and he is blaming much of his circumstance on you. That is called codependency at its finest. Walk away – actually run. Let you take care of you, let him take care of him. neither one of you will heal any other way. Find friends, find support, find peace. I don't know your story, military, first responder, medical, or victim. But there is support, including here.i'm really bad at this technology, but I'll keep trying. Just know that I'm on your team. All my best.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, @Trace911, please do keep trying. We would appreciate your being here. Thank you for your thoughts. I will think on that. :hug:

 

[Trace911]

When I was stuck without resources, no shelter, no sense of stability, I had to stay with family. It made my recovery so much harder, and longer, but I didn't know where else to go. I put out an add offering to do at home dog-sitting while people were away, at really good rates. I watered plants, gardens. When I had extra energy, I cleaned windows, washed floors. I felt purposeful, and the hours all day with the dogs were really comforting. Pretty soon I had extra savings, and great references, and I felt so much stronger. I spent those hours of chores thinking through who I wanted to be for the rest of my life, and it may sound weird, but I made that "potential" me my friend. Then, anytime my family disrespected me, I looked at whether I would let them speak to my friend that way. If the answer was no, I learned where to work on boundaries. And it got easier and easier to walk away from negativity and abuse. Literally- I just walked out. I ended up affording my own tiny place, but I kept dog sitting, and eventually got a comfortable, safe, family free home!

 

[shimmerz]

Thank you @Trace911. I have a bit of physical recovery to do before I can get to that point but am formulating plans now. I appreciate your sharing your tremendous success story. Hopefully I am not too far behind you! :hug:

 

[Sighs]

I know someone posted a thread about cutting all ties with abusers - unless they are your parents. In my experience the one taboo that is even more ingrained - particularly in mothers - is distancing yourself from your children. No matter how badly your children treat you somehow we are supposed to accept it and even take responsibility for it - because clearly its our fault they are the way they are! Boy - there really is no guilt like motherguilt!

@shimmerz - despite all your efforts our children don't always turn out the way we would like. On the flip side that also means that no matter how crappy our own parents were we don't have to turn out as messed up as you might think!

Once your children are adults I think its ok to say to yourself - would I put up with this from a spouse, a friend or a co-worker? If not, then I don't think you have to put up with it from your children. I know its easier said than done so sending hugs if you accept them!

 

[shimmerz]

so sending hugs if you accept them

Ahhhhh, thanks @Sighs. I always accept hugs and try to always return them! So consider yourself paid back!

there really is no guilt like motherguilt

I never thought of this. This is so true.

would I put up with this from a spouse, a friend or a co-worker

No, and that is part of the trap. Father would love it if I did this. Because I left the marriage he has always driven this campaign of 'See? Your mother is a quitter.' 30 years of the same ol' same ol', now it is just that he has 3 more campaigners. And they happen to be my children. I have fixed a ton of things along the way. I hate not being able to fix this. It is a sticky gooey mess that I don't appreciate being in.

 

[Sighs]

Not everything is your job to fix. Not everything is fixable.

Nevermind what their father wants or what they want. Give yourself permission to be selfish over this. Do what you need to do for you to heal. Its ok to put yourself first in some situations. I wish women (and particularly mothers) were told this more often. You don't have to martyr yourself on the pyre of motherhood forever.