Family estrangement and loss

[jaccat]

My thought is also fear. My grandmother did this to more than one family member- first cutting her own brother out of her life to the point where I grew up believing he was dead. Later she did it to me because I refused to agree with her about who was to blame in my parent's break up. I was 12. She put a ban on any of her side of the family having anything to do with me at pain of having themselves cut off, and they followed her instructions despite us having been close before that. It hurt. But then her sister had told me stories that explained just why she would fear consequences from that woman. There were times in the past when incidences had left her fearing for her own life.

In the end my grandmother cut off everybody, to the point when, dying in hopsital, she informed the nurses she had no family. She refused to even see her own sons, and died alone.

When I described her to my T, she said what came to mind was manipulation and control.

I think when you've lived with that kind of behaviour for so long you almost come to believe that it's normal. Or at least, that there is nothing you can do to change it. It's not right, at all, but in my experience not everyone can see outside it.

 

[ILoveLife]

Scapegoat here. I am my father to them.
Was then diagnosed with schizophrenia, all forgiven.
No longer diagnosed, yelling, blaming, scapegoating begins all over again.
No contact with some of the family. Others seem to be empathetic to my situation.
Mom is tough but seems to get it most of the time.
So yeah relatable, although different.

 

[Still Standing]

Yes, I relate to your experience, too. I grew up with a mother whose own family disowned each other. Then she disowned all of them and all her friends, too. The disowning is like a poisonous octopus in our family. I have since been disowned by my sister and disregarded and never included in her or my brother's family. When my Dad remarried, I was not invited to the majority of family events, camping vacations, or beach retreats with them. Now that our kids are adults, they, too, have disowned both sides of our family...maternal and paternal and hubby and I...with little reason beyond their complaints with us, their parents. The relatives have never given them reason to be disowned. My grandsons, who are young men now, have also disappeared and cease to exist in our world. So, if you can fully figure out why family disown each other, clue me in.

Being rejected is a deep hurt that I have dealt with from a very young age. I hurt with you because I know how deep it goes in the heart. But, in spite of that loss, there are others who can help to fill the gap. This is where friends come in. They can help to give you a sense of belonging, if you can let them. Finding a life partner who you can create your own family with can fill the emptiness, too. Try as one might, family members cannot be made to accept you. It is a loss and a hole that will always be there. It is a loneliness that I struggle with often. It is just what it is. In the end, I have to live my life as it presents itself. Having no family hurts but life goes on, so hubby and I rely on friends now, to help fill our gap.