Family Visiting Creates Incredible Anxiety

[Overwhelmed]

My family from Chicago are visiting me here in England for the first time in about a month.

I have been living here for almost 13 years. I thought I wanted them to visit because I would get down when nobody could be bothered. I wish I never brought it up to them the last time I was in Chicago. I never thought they would but their nosiness has probably gotten the better of them.

I have been full of anxiety. I dont sleep well. I have horrible flashbacks. I have lost all interest in sex. I will take a good long break from seeing them after the visit. I owe it to myself because they are the reason I have PTSD.

My wife asked me why do I have them in my life when they cause me nothing but misery. She wants to know what the payoff is. I think I need them because they are family and I make loads of excuses. My health deterioates. I have muscle problems and I develop hives. The abuse was horrible with it being sexual, physical as well as emotional. They have been trying to get me to return back to Chicago without my wife. They want me to divorce her so I am more vulnerable on my own.

I must stay strong but as of late I feel like I am sinking down.

 

[Eleanor]

Wow, overwhelmed. I guess I think your wife asks good questions. What answers have you come up with? You can tell them to cancel or just run away the day before they get there. You are an adult and have a duty to protect yourself and your wife. No excuses about that! This is an excellent opportunity to stand up for yourself.

Best wishes on handling a REALLY difficult situation, and so so sorry you are in it.

 

[Overwhelmed]

Thanks Eleanor for the support. You are right and I have to protect myself and my wife. My wife hopes and prays for me to get rid of them once and for all after they visit. She keeps telling me that I dont have to put myself through it. She is right and quite frankly I am lacking the guts to tell them not to come here. The answers I have come up with is that I have to take care of me mentally and physically. I have to give myself the right to not have certain people in my life. I am hoping to stand up and be strong when they are here and not give them the satisfaction that Im really scared. My wife is strong and her family will be here for support. They are all outspoken and protected of the people they care about. My family are outnumbered and being the cowards they are they probably wont start but I still feel low.

 

[Eleanor]

Why DO you put yourself through it? There must be some thoughts there that could be reality tested...

 

[shell]

Been there, done that, what can I say! We all do stupid things, and have to live with their consequences.

I found if I ensured I didn't allow myself to be alone with my abusers, they didn't do it in front of my husband. Most abusers rely on secrecy, set boundaries and remember you are an adult, if you decide to go ahead with the visit.

My parents are no longer welcome in my life, so I'm happy it will no longer be an issue.

Sometimes having no escape from our abusers can have a positive affect, to make us address why we think we need them, and what we hope we to gain from continuing such a painful relationship.

For me, I just wanted them to love me, but one day I grew up and realized that they would never give me the love I needed, because they just weren't capable.

 

[maddog]

I agree with Shell and Eleanor, but it is a long, lonely road to the place of realisation, and then a few longer, lonelier miles down that road to the place of strength and of saying "no more".

Sadly, for me, it took a lot of good advice from others going ignored by me, because where it mattered inside of me, I wasn't ready, still holding onto denial and hopes that somehow things could be different, if only...

I would encourage you to talk to a T, your wife and as many other trusted and safe people as possible, both to arm yourself with their support and protection, and to begin to explore what it is that keeps you holding onto the obligation to have them in your life. Nobody can rush you to any decision, and whether or not to cut family out of your life is perhaps the hugest decision you will ever make, but there comes a time when you have to stop asking yourself the question as to "why" you would do this, and start asking "why not?"
Good luck, I do hope the visit goes as smoothly as possible and that you are abel to find some safety in the comfort and presence of those who truly care about you. Healthy current-day relationships are critical in helping you to find the strength to recognize those that are not.

Maddog

 

[Overwhelmed]

Thank you again Eleanor and also Shell and Maddog for your support and comments.

Why do I put myself through it? I have pondered that question many, many times. I did seperate for about three years with no contact whatsoever when I lived in California and my first year of living here in the UK. Codependence is strong with abandonment issues and that is not an excuse but a factor.

I am naive thinking things will change and I leave the door open which obviously is dangerous. I have been a bit grandiose thinking I can handle the situation and its taken its toll on me. I have a ton of nephews and nieces in Chicago and I wonder if complete seperation is the answer.

I do know that I will be taking a very long break and perhaps I may never go back which is the sane thing to do and all I can say is that I am working on it.

 

[Eleanor]

There's a tricky combination. Co-dependence and abandonment. Ick.

How did those four years of separation go for you?

Maybe you could just leave the door open for the nephews and nieces, but not for the older generation...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi- As usual I am late to this one. My 2 cents is can you cancel the visit or is it too late. This is really a crazymaking situation.

It will have effects on you. If it is unavoidable and they are coming, can you take time outs and excuse yourself to go and ground yourself. Can you have them stay in a hotel?

Eat out at resturants where the chances of high drama are lower because it is in a public place.

There is always this forum to come to get help and support to get you through it

But if it is not too late, then cancel the trip and say you are not feeling up to it. I am trying to tink of practical things you can do.

My heart goes out to you. This is a very triggering thing to go through. I am wishing you the best in whatever you do choose to do. Good luck.

 

[jenny72]

Wow...your story and mine sound similar. My family was also trying to get me to leave my hubby now and my ex before . Also lots of other stuff too some of wich you mention. I am just begining to learn about myself and this whole PTSD thing. I am sorry you have these troubles also. I wish I had the answers you seek but i do not :(

 

[Tinyflame]

The difference is now Overwhelmed you are an adult, not a child. And you have different resources, and support. And RIGHTS, as well.
Lionheart made a post about human rights, it might help to read it's excellent.

I think the day they will have changed and the interaction will be decidely different, would be 'if' or 'when' they are contacting you to ask your forgiveness for the abuse, and most of all acknowledging it and assuming responsibilty for it.

It does not have to be black or white, you can send a note but not get together, or whatever you choose (in the future).
Sounds however to me that the healthiest option is to stick close to your wife and her family, with ptsd it doesn't take much to destroy one's progress or self-esteem. But who needs that, anyway? You are loved by people who can love you, how your family acts doesn't change that.

In a sense, you'd almost have to worry if you had their approval, considering what you've said of their mindset.

 

[Overwhelmed]

The two years in California were a bit easier because I was so busy with working full time and going to school full time. I arrived in the UK and had a difficult time adjusting to my new country. I was trying to run before I could walk.

The business my wife and I created was shaky. My confidence was low and I felt alone. I felt insecure being the only American and not everyone was welcoming me with open arms. I thought it was time to reach out to my family. They all wrote to me but in retrospect they thought I wanted to return home. My addiction to them made me reach out in the first place. In the past when things didnt go well for me I turned to them and became the whipping boy. They wanted me to return with my tail between my legs saying it didnt work out. They knew my wife hated them and living in Chicago so I was vulnerable. I was scared and not sure what to do then the business started gaining momentum.

I started getting innudated with work. More importantly people were saying I was helping them and the feeling of satisfaction was overwhelming. People were praising me and it was incredible and it still is 13 years later. I couldnt believe that for the first time I was not the butt of the jokes and I was someone that was special. I realize that sounds sad and I know it is but my family and so called friends in the past just made fun of me and my insecurities.

I know now that my low self worth is because of them and its time to move on. I could not see them in one month from yesterday. Ironically they arrive on June 6th which in history is D-Day. I have to laugh because it feels like bombs are going off. I will see them because it will be nice to show them that I am loved here and I have a nice life. Our successful business and nice home with living so close to the English channel will wind up my family. I think it will be good therapy knowing that I had the last laugh.

Basically they never thought I would amount to anything. I never thought I would either but God saw differenty and I have been blessed time and time again.

I will leave the door open with my family after the visit but I will take a long well deserved break and perhaps I may never go back. They will probably never return here because of money. The only reason they are coming is because my mom is giving them the cash to do it but it is just out of chronic nosiness.

They are visiting us for the day.

They originally wanted us to put them up but my wife said no. I was going to pay for their taxi from Heathrow which would cost me about $300 but my therapist talked me out of it.

Thanks again Eleanor. Thanks also to gizmo and Jenny72 for reaching out.