Family Warzone, Sexual Abuse And Stabbed In The Right Temple. Finally Starting To Crumble...

[HeroSyndrome]

My father was abusive since as far back as I can remember. When I was 13 years old my mother finally divorced him. My mother eventually took his place and I took hers in the violent cycle.

In between, a person I thought was a friend (5 years difference) took advantage of me, sexually.

Then, comes the final break down. My brother and I were in the middle of a fight and he pulled out a small, eagle claw hunting knife and stuck 3/4 of an inch in my right temple.

I stuffed it all down. I was too busy protecting my Mom and brother when we were with Dad. It stuck with me...and I tried to protect them. I called my obsession with protecting them HeroSyndrome. Hence the name.

Now...it is becoming my undoing. I am freaking out on my wife. I've been up and down, and I thought it was just my bi-polar disorder, but then came the immense paranoia, and the nightmares started acting up again. Full blown panic.

I'm pushing my wife away with this. Overly paranoid of everything. I'm not the insecure person I have become. I'm usually a cocky bastard, but about 3 weeks ago, it turned into a major blow out because I doubted a friend of hers wasn't just trying to be friendly, if you get me.

I'm overcompensating and it's making it worse. My wife is sticking by me, but I don't know how much more of this insecure shit she can take. I'm doubting her. I'm all but accusing her.

I had a full blown panic attack.

I have lost everything that I am. A musician. The gamer side. Teh husband and wife.

I have no insurance so I am paying out of pocket and going to my physician tomorrow with my wife to try and get help.

Sorry it is so long, but I'm also venting.

I am scared of this thing that has latched on to me.

Thanks guys. Michael

 

[BloomInWinter]

Welcome, (((((HeroSyndrome))))

You may qualify for free counseling through your local domestic abuse agency. They help many men like yourself.

Feel free to demand a mental Health assessment for trauma.

Have you and your wife been able to establish a neutral area of your home where nobody is to raise heir voice, threaten, act out? Establishment of safety is job one.

Practice having her go to that space and you not following, but doing self-care...breathing, meditations, grounding, etc. or going for a walk, taking a shower....find something that works and keep practicing it.

Hang in there!

 

[Iam]

Hi and welcome to the forum Michael. Wow, you have endured a lot. I'm glad that you recognize the difficulty that you are having and taking responsibility for your actions. That is important. You should be proud of yourself, you've shown insight and courage in reaching out for help!

You will find a lot of non-judgmental support here as well lots of good information on the wiki pages. I'm glad that you are going to your dr too. That's a start. I'm not sure where you are from, but Bloom is right, there may very well be local help available thru your state or county. Finding a good trauma therapist (and you do need someone who specializes in trauma) is essential in dealing with your past traumas. If you don't have local government help most therapists have a sliding scale.

Bloom had a great suggestion about creating a safe place and practicing letting your wife go there and not following. When emotions are high it's hard to follow thru so the practicing it when things are calm will help. You might also consider using agreed on "code" words for those times when she is feeling unsafe and needs to distance herself or that things are getting out of hand early on.

Anyway, really just wanted to respond and welcome you to the forum!

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[BridgeJumper]

thought i was special, not a chance. lol . welcomes everyone. lol.

the same way, lol

like a well trained dog, for example. welcome to the forum, robotic in nature.

 

[HeroSyndrome]

Thank you guys. I need all the help I can get. I like the idea of a safe word and a safe space. It will help us out a lot.

My wife feels like, and it is true, that we are going through a revolving door. It's okay and I'm okay for a while...then all of a sudden we go backwards because I'm spazzing out and wanting reassurance and all sorts of shit. I have high hopes. I need help. My lithium isn't working like it should. Which means that it isn't just my bi-polar.

My wife loves me, but she doesn't know how much more she can take. She asked me what I would do...and I told her I would run. Which upsets me more...

 

[BellaDel5]

Hi Michael,
Welcome to the forum. I just joined yesterday. My trauma was different than yours, but the problems I'm having with my relationship with my boyfriend are pretty much identical. It's so scary. The last thing I want is to lose him, but it is so hard for me to stop pushing him away. I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you and I feel your pain.
If you want to read my full story, it's in the intro section; I missed the part about not writing a novel...if you think yours is long, check out mine.
Have a good day.
~Bella

 

[HeroSyndrome]

I had my doctor's appointment on Thursday. They upped my lithium, and talked with me for quite a while. If the lithium doesn't manage all the effects, we will start getting into other treatments. They have also signed me up for therapy.

I can be honest and say that something clicked. I let it all out. That felt good. Then, my wife is taking my paranoia and twisting it around where it looks so asinine that we both laugh.

Things are looking better...