Fault

[Stickler]

...Who screwed up my life?
Me.
My abusers treated me as if I were dirt and...basically said as much?
But I did not have to believe them.
So who made my adult life a pathetic wreck?
Me.
I did not have to believe my programming.
I chose this.
I totally chose to be this pathetic wreck of a person.
It's my fault entirely that I am like this.

What disgusting, pathetic choices I have made.
I would swear up and down that I would make better choices?
But being the useless f*ck that I am I know myself better than that.
I hate being this thing.

 

[Ronin]

No, them, dear.

You -very really- had to believe them to stay alive.

So the bullshit still ain't on you.

You're the one who didn't let them screw it up exactly as they wanted.

Good job, you.

 

[Ronin]

I chose this.

Traps aren't choices, getting out and getting through & living through if not getting out ever are a show of brilliance.

You DO make good choices. Hard and in situations that will screw someone over deeply, yet you still make them. Mucho strength & vitality & bravery & no patetic there.

 

[blackemerald1]

Stop attributing blame. Stop reinforcing old habits & please stop telling yourself those terrible names. They all do you no good. Everyone makes mistakes & more than just small ones. We all look back & regret things done & said. That doesn't mean anything now. What counts now is working at making good decisions & treating yourself & others with respect. Little steps made on solid ground.

 

[Ronin]

I totally chose to be this pathetic wreck of a person.

Second thoughts? IF you are a wreck, and you're not, it's an art to be one and still as having it together as you are.

A world filled with whatever 'perfection' is would be a shithole I wouldn't want to be in.

 

[Nevermore]

)-: I have these same voices inside of me sometimes but these days I know it's not true. but blame doesn't work either. I havd felt blaming towards my family but I can also see they were also a product of their own upbringing. The gift that keeps giving!
Becoming aware of the problems, becoming aware of your own voice and trusting it is a chance to break the chain.
It's hard to see clearly when so much has happened, I know, but I do think there's a gift if you're persistent enough and stubborn enough to not give in!!!
The possibility of seeing beyond all the illusions. The possibility of being truly free without any need to blame anyone including yourself! Because if you do get to that point you're grateful for everything that got you there.
Not saying I'm there but I've had tastes of it. It's what keeps me going!!
It's what the Buddhists mean when they say behind all the clouds is always a blue sky

 

[Sammyiam]

I'm sorry you feel so bad stickler, I hope you can feel a little better, we are all here thinking of you. Please take care

Sammy

 

[kona355]

...Who screwed up my life?
Me.
My abusers treated me as if I were dirt and...basically said as much?
Bu...

I know what it's like hearing those voices from the past and what it's like feeling useless because of what I've been told. So I get what you're describing. And, yes, we're responsible for doing our part in recovering from what's happened to us.

I've also read some of your posts when you've helped others with encouragement.

When someone gives the effort to help others like you've done, especially when dealing with so much discouragement like you're feeling now - that's a really good indication of your true self. Hang in there -

 

[shimmerz]

So who made my adult life a pathetic wreck?
Me.
I did not have to believe my programming.
I chose this.
I totally chose to be this pathetic wreck of a person.
It's my fault entirely that I am like this.

What disgusting, pathetic choices I have made.
I would swear up and down that I would make better choices?
But being the useless f*ck that I am I know myself better than that.
I hate being this thing.

I humbly suggest that this way of speaking about yourself is a program too.