Fears Unrelated To Traumas

[Sandstone]

I can understand why I'm afraid of stuff that relates to traumas, and how those things can creep to cover a wider range of triggers. It makes unwelcome sense, for example, that my fear of waiting for trains has extended to bus stops beside fences.

What I don't understand is why things that seem to have no link at all are scary or disturbing. There are no knives and no bloodshed anywhere in my traumas, yet knives, cutting things up and especially carving cooked chicken are becoming real problems for me. I've even had a flashback-like thing that was full of blood and took an enormous fight to come out of.

I'm determined not to give into these things and start avoiding them, but trying to puzzle out where they come from is taking up too much of my time. I think that if I could explain it, then I could explain it away. Any ideas?

 

[sun seeker]

Is it possible that the knives are a stressor and not a trigger? Maybe your stress cup is so full from dealing with the trauma that random things that would not otherwise be a problem are getting to you?

 

[joeylittle]

Knives are powerful, regardless of whether you have a traumatic history with them. And if you have any specific connections to past suicidal ideation and cutting, or have ever thought about/engaged in cutting as self-harm, then it would not at all be surprising to have stress when dealing with knives and flesh, even chicken that's cooked.

 

[Sandstone]

No, there is nothing like that, which is why I'm so bewildered by it. I have only self harmed very minorly about 5 times, when the symptoms first came on 5+ years ago, and that was using tweezers. My suicidal urges and attempts have involved meds and cars, never weapons.

If I really stretch it, the nearest connections I can make are

• the birth of my first daughter when I tore very badly, and there was lots of blood and a horribly painful time with various attempts to put in stitches that just tore more. That could explain the blood stuff, but no knives. It isn't a link to cutting deeply into flesh or eyes, which is what haunts me.
• I have described the emotional pain at having to recount my history to yet another person as being being ripped open and disembowelled
• I can only think of one knife in my childhood, my brother's dagger style scout knife in a leather sheath. It has no connotations for me at all. I suppose it is possible that my anxious mother over warned me of it, but that is speculation.

Just yesterday I had an example of why avoiding doesn't work. A couple of weeks ago I put out of sight a particular kitchen knife, associated in my mind with " You should stab yourself in the eye with that" . Yesterday I was putting away my rotary cutter and thought/heard "You could cut your eyelids off with that". If you avoid one thing, it just relocates to another, until the whle world is avoidance. I need to fix this, not hide from it.

 

[digger]

Might be off the mark, but my guess would be that it just comes down to your mind having an understanding of the potential for harm from the knife. Comprehension of the damage it could do and perhaps not completely trusting yourself not to act - even though you haven't acted on the knife thing, there are other things you have acted on so it's probably a combination of those. I think it probably the fear of not trusting yourself not to act rather than the object itself?

I have a 'thing' about pouring boiling water from kettles or saucepans. Boiling water has played no part in any trauma for me. It's never been threatened even. I have never used it as a method of self harm, although I have self harmed in other ways. But there is frequently the image/message in my head that I could and what that would look and feel like.

 

[Sandstone]

It is reassuring to me that you also have that experience with boiling water. I'm not alone with it. I'd still like to understand why my mind picks on those particular things though.

 

[digger]

I'd still like to understand why my mind picks on those particular things though.

Knives/blades are pretty much universally known as having the potential for being used as a weapon, or being able to cause injury with. I don't think it even takes over-warning of the dangers. We learn as children that certain things are, or can be, dangerous. With some things, I think it only takes for the thought to occur one time for the mind to then start using at a go-to response unfortunately. And then of course the more times it does, the more likely it is to become a fixed response. I don't think there necessarily is a reason other than your mind having picked up on the potential for harm from the object.

People sometimes talk of walking alongside a road and getting the thought out of nowhere to throw themselves into the traffic. Or along an edge of a cliff and the thought of throwing themselves off comes into their head, for no other reason than there being an association of 'could happen'.

I'm not sure what the solution is, or if there even is one, for me it's about putting it in its place. Taking the same zero tolerance approach to it as I have to with suicidal ideation...

"You could/should stick your hand under that boiling water Digger"
"Yep....thanks head....Not gonna happen"

Sometimes much easier said than done though and at times very draining.