Feed Up Of This F** Illnesss

[tigrou465]

I feel angry, frustrated, anxious and so much more.... I have been out of the hospital for a month, had an ECT treatment last week and today I feel all these emotions. Why did I have to heritate this illness from my father who had heritated from his mother? I had a rough time with all the traumas, I did not need to have this illness that his consuming my life. I have declared personnal bankrupsy due to my multiple sick leave, I have lost my job that I had for the last 22 years. I feel that I'm losing my friends and what else??? I know that whatever treatment I will have, I know that if I want to get better I have to help myself but I don't want to help me anymore... what for... I have never learn to loved myself, to choose myself. When it comes to do things for me I just say... what for! And I don't do it. No one can do it for me. I don't have any motivation or when I do have some, it does not last. All I try, I let go after a few weeks. I feel lazy and mad at my self. Today I finally got up after 1PM and went out with the dog (thank God I have him, otherwise I would not got out) and went for a coffee and I finally paid my parking ticket (cause Friday was the dead line). I am feed up of this illness, this life but yet I don't just do anything to change it! Sorry for being so negative, sorry so sorry!!!!

 

[Hashi]

tigrou, I just want to say that I hear you.

I have a heap of medical stuff on top of the traumas and I know how it can take over your life, and I know how either the traumas on their own would be too much or the physical issues would be too much. I don't understand a world where we have to deal with both but some people deal with neither.

I'm truly sorry that you have lost your job that you had for so long. I really, really feel for you.

It's hard to make changes when we're dealing with so much. You're here, you're thinking, you're posting, you're taking care of your dog. That can be very difficult when life is so tough. Please be gentle with yourself.

Thinking of you.

Hashi

 

[mamachick]

tigrou, I hear you and I am so sorry.
The only thing I have not tried is ECT-never wanted to but would if it works.
Mine seems to be the depression. I can just never seem to shake it I guess. I also have many physical problems and a lot of pain. I have no motivation, not even for a couple of weeks. Mine started after a head injury and I have had to stop working and drove most family and friends away. I have become somewhat intolerant maybe...or I just dont say things the way I mean to anyway. Im not any fun and know it.

You are saying all the things that you know are right, about making yourself happy, about doing it yourself and that nobody else can. Yet it feels like a monumental task of just showering and eating and caring for dogs. Thank God for our four legged friends.

You are not alone. Dont be sorry for sharing what you feel. I also hate being negative. Hang in there and keep trying. Spring is coming and that is hopeful. Find any little thing that helps and hold on....

 

[freefloat]

Ill chime in as i also have significant medical issues on top of the ptsd stuff. Havent worked in several years. Single parent blah, blah, blah. Going through another divorce, no family, blah, blah, blah. I am also sick of it. Lived like this my whole life. Same shit new pile. I dont know anything else. I want to and have gotten some hope in the past week that I had never imagined. Wasn't from any great revelation or treatment. Went on a mild ativan vacation and talked to a few others. The days are getting longer as PP mentioned. Just keep hanging in and hanging on in the little things you can do and seeker the bigger ones. I accept your apology and hope you accpet my negative postings if you should come across one or some. Peace.

 

[mamachick]

Honestly, I cant bring myself to do the things that I know would help me to be better. I know what advice I would give another, but am paralized in doing them myself-I guess that is what depression is. I isolate. Maybe there is hope somewhere that someone will come and save me, but Im not naive and know that I can only do it myself. Yet I act like the person who has been waiting for a miracle, for their ship to come in, etc.

I dont mean to be like this but I am. Exercise would increase production of endorphins, but I cant or dont get off my butt. Then Im ashamed. When others do call they say "what are you doing", ummm, waiting for bedtime. I wish I still took xanax so I could sleep better. My doctors said I still need it but Im afraid of it. From head injury they had me on something to sleep, something to wake, something for depresseion, something for pain, something for muscles, etc.

Like you freefloat-divorce, no family-those blah blahs to add up.