Feel like I don’t have anything useful to say

[barefoot]

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing in therapy anymore.
I know there is no “supposed to” about it - that it’s not about doing it right or wrong or properly or that there are things I should or shouldn’t work on. I get that it’s my choice and that I can use the time/space to talk about whatever I want.

I just feel a bit lost. It’s not that I want to stop going or feel like there’s no more work to do. I just don’t know what to talk about because I don’t know what is useful right now.

I’ve been going for around 4 years. At least half of that, my guard was up, I’d dissociate a lot...even though I liked my T I felt incredibly anxious during sessions...

We have talked about trauma in that I have talked factually about things that have happened. I have never really managed to get to a point of connecting with and expressing my feelings around these events. So, I still don’t feel like I’ve really processed/healed any of those wounds.

Back in the summer, we had some good sessions where we discussed some things around relationship dynamics etc...things that fed into that trauma stuff. It felt like we’d hit on something important and meaningful and that I wanted to get further into those explorations. Then some work-related stuff came up, so we dug into that for a few sessions. I then wanted to go back to the other stuff and build more momentum around it...it really felt like I was ready to roll my sleeves up and jump into work that I’d previously had a lot of resistance around/that I’d dip a toe into and immediately full-on dissociate.

So...we booked in a double session to refocus....but, a few days before that session, my mum died - it was very sudden, totally unexpected and therefore a huge shock. Since then (two months ago) I’ve upped my sessions - I’ve been going every week for longer sessions because I figured I would need extra support to help me work through losing my mum so suddenly.

We have talked a lot about practical things (eg arrangements and decisions in the run up to the funeral and managing my relationship with my dad and sister etc) but we haven’t really got into how I actually feel or am impacted by the loss. I don’t think I really have anything to say about that. I’m not sure how talking about that would help. I think I’m going to start another thread on this...so will park that thought for now...but it leads into...

...if I not talking about my Mum/grief etc, I’m not sure what to do in therapy at this point. I still really want to get back to talking about the stuff that felt really important and worth exploring more in the summer. But a big hesitation for me is that, all these historical childhood trauma topics involve my mum in some way. Not that she was abusive - she absolutely wasn’t. But, in that, if I start digging into that childhood stuff (even if I want to look for generally about my attachment patterns or my patterns around relationship dynamics) my mum is somewhere in the picture with all those things. And I guess I’m thinking that that makes those topics not ok at the moment. But, I don’t know....maybe they are still ok?! I know I am avoiding thinking about my mum at the moment, so perhaps me thinking it wouldn’t be ok is more of a reflection of that?!

It feels strange to pick up other topics when my mum’s death is still recent. But, if I don’t want to talk about my mum...I guess I can pick up these other topics....but then if my mum still comes up in them in some way...?

Also, I don’t know if trying to dive into trauma stuff now while I’m grieving...whether that will be destabilising? But, I suppose I won’t know until I try?!

I don’t know...sorry...I don’t even really know what I’m saying here really!
I just don’t know what to say in sessions at the moment or how best to use them. I don’t know what I’m doing there or what would be helpful. I want to keep showing up as I know I’m not done with the work. I just don’t know what I’m doing it for at the moment or how to move things (my healing) forward.

I could take a break and go back when I feel I have more focus/purposeful direction. But then I worry that I won’t go back. And, much as I hate to say this, I have felt some comfort in going there these last few weeks and just being with my T/talking about whatever. But it’s a long way to go and a very expensive way of just having a chat if I haven’t got much focus on what I’m actually bringing to sessions to work on.

 

[Sandstone]

I found that when I was grieving a parent, a layer of protection was gone and I could get get closer to the truth of my other feelings, So this might be good time to start to expose some of the feelings around trauma.

From what you've written in the past, your T sounds good enough to help you pace things so you aren't overwhelmed by the two sets of emotions. So I think exploring childhood trauma might help you with grieving for the ideal mother you didn't have, and the real human one you did. It would be good to do that grieving over the next year or so, in the proper time for it, rather than putting it aside and having another layer of deferred emotions to work through later.

 

[jaccat]

It helped me to talk about it- I've lost both my dad and my brother while seeing my current T. My relationship with both was complicated by past/trauma stuff so talking about them always got tangled fast, but talking through it did help me put to rest at least some of the things that I hadn't been able to deal with.

For me, they naturally just came up in conversation over six months or so, partly because I was continuing to deal with their estates, and partly because they were just there in my mind. I was conscious of times when my T pulled back from a topic because I think she didn't want me to go there at the time, and there were times when she insisted on small talk instead, but it didn't happen often. What did happen was I was able to work through the grief of losing them and also grieve some of those past events at the same time.

I get that feeling of wasting your time at therapy. For most of this year I've been going through the process of moving house, and most of my sessions have been about dealing with that, not through my choice, but just because it has been so all-encompassing. It has at times been frustrating and has felt like a bit of a waste of my money and T's time, despite the fact that I appreciate the support she has given me. But I've had to trust that my T knows what she's doing and we'll get back to the big stuff eventually.

Do you feel like you need a plan for therapy, or can you trust it to naturally take it's own direction? Just curious- I know it's different for different people.

 

[blackemerald1]

What I think is maybe you may feel disloyal towards your mother by starting to knuckle down about what went on in your childhood with your T because you she was part of that scenario albeit not as an abuser and it is way too soon to go there?

I think while she was alive there was no grief. Now there is and it is really raw and it's too soon. I can understand why.

I wonder if you might tell your T that whilst you want to return to the healing work, you are not able to guide the sessions yourself and ask her if she thinks about it.

I think you could try and back off the sessions to maybe once a fortnight or once a month thereby staying in touch and when you feel confident enough to try to start working through the trauma again - there will not be that disruption that happens by a long absence.

Death has a way of making lots of things seem insignificant and maybe that is a good thing. Lots of people find a different perspective on issues they have after they experience the death of someone they love. I'm not so sure if it's a lasting viewpoint with most. Maybe there is a little bit of this going on too?

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the replies...there’s definitely food for thought here.

I found that when I was grieving a parent, a layer of protection was gone and I could get get closer to the truth of my other feelings

That’s interesting...thank you for sharing. At the moment I feel largely quite disconnected from my feelings, rather than able to get closer to them...it will be interesting to see whether this changes - or whether I can consciously change it.

your T sounds good enough to help you pace things so you aren't overwhelmed by the two sets of emotions

Yes, I think she is always very mindful of going slowly and treading carefully and not forcing anything. It can be frustrating sometimes to be feeling like we’re moving at such a snail’s pace. It used to drive me nuts! But then I realised she was trying not to break my mind! ;)

It would be good to do that grieving over the next year or so, in the proper time for it, rather than putting it aside and having another layer of deferred emotions to work through later.

Yes, I think this is a really good point. I was talking to my partner the other day about this current dilemma...that I didn’t know what to talk about, that I don’t want to think about - let alone talk about - my mum...and she said it’s as if I have just put it (my mum’s death and my grief) in a box and put it away. I can see why she said that. I think it’s probably true, though I haven’t done it consciously. It’s what I always do... And, yeah...maybe that approach doesn’t work out too well...!

talking about them always got tangled fast, but talking through it did help me put to rest at least some of the things that I hadn't been able to deal with.

I was able to work through the grief of losing them and also grieve some of those past events at the same time.

This is encouraging to read, thanks. I guess this would be a good result if I can do it...to do both things at the same time.

I’m just not convinced I can do either let alone both :(

I've had to trust that my T knows what she's doing and we'll get back to the big stuff eventually.

Yes...this is something I need to remember.

Do you feel like you need a plan for therapy, or can you trust it to naturally take it's own direction?

We don’t generally have a plan as such. Things tend to be unstructured and meandering and flowy...though, of course, there are clear contexts to the work that we both hold eg the reasons I started going to therapy in the first place, dealing with old traumas etc)

I guess, at the moment, the context doesn’t feel so clear now...it feels kinda...murky!

I did say last session that I feel a bit lost about what I’m doing here. I think she misunderstood though and thought I was saying that I wanted my mum to now be the context...and she started saying how sees me touch on something painful and she goes to “make an intervention” and then my defences are immediately there and I talk over her, change the subject and that I “don’t let her in”.

We did say last time that it will be useful to use this week’s session to set our context. I’m not sure whether she’ll remember that/whether she’ll just wait and see what I start talking about... I’m on my way there now so guess I need to give myself a pep talk to make sure I try to bring this up...

What I think is maybe you may feel disloyal towards your mother by starting to knuckle down about what went on in your childhood with your T because you she was part of that scenario albeit not as an abuser and it is way too soon to go there?

Yes, I think you’re right and that there’s some sense of this.

I think you could try and back off the sessions to maybe once a fortnight or once a month

I’m switching back to fortnightly from next week - fortnightly is what I’ve done for a year or so up until my mum passed away, so I’m used to it...I think it will also help to have more time between sessions to create more sense of space/distance in the therapeutic relationship.

Death has a way of making lots of things seem insignificant

Maybe there is a little bit of this going on too?

Yes...I think maybe so...I do have a strong tendency to deny, avoid and minimise and perhaps this adds to that...

 

[barefoot]

Pep talk to self obviously didn’t work - we talked about work all session!

So, no context setting stuff, though she did mention it at the end but it was too late to talk about it by then.

It was still a useful session and I feel powered up to get some shit done re my business this week - some things I’ve been putting off for a few weeks and I need to attack them again. So, it was time well spent.

But I am still none the wiser about what I’m going to be doing there in non-work-related sessions. So, I’m frustrated with myself about that.

 

[barefoot]

Going to attempt to do “context setting” in today’s session. I keep trying to think about it, to get a few thoughts together before I see her so I don’t go in there aimlessly and completely clueless. But when I try to think about it, it’s like the contents of my head just fall out all over the floor.

Although I am keen to have some sense of purpose/direction for sessions now, I also wonder if I am getting bogged down with the idea of us needing to agree what we’re going to talk about...as in, perhaps that is simply feeding my avoidant tendencies...because I wonder if I am in danger of obsessing about talking about talking about it...just an intellectual exercise in talking about the work we’re going to do rather than actually doing the work.

I feel tired and spacey...probably not the best combo before a session!

 

[blackemerald1]

@barefoot - how did you go with this session?

I also wonder if I am getting bogged down with the idea of us needing to agree what we’re going to talk about...as in, perhaps that is simply feeding my avoidant tendencies.

^^Remember - you don't go into any session (nor do any of us) as a uncomplicated, serene, completely focused person. You go in with everything that has happened and is happening in your life... and try to make some head-way on something.

I try to stay on topic but my brains fall out all over the floor with my T too.... it's mind numbing at times. I want to get into what I know I need to do and then sometimes I just waffle. Idk if I am avoiding. I think I have admitted it several times and my T just nods and smiles because she is clued up. But even so, she doesn't push because the moment I even sense that - I retreat! It seems to me that I circle around something many, many times, testing and assessing whether or not I want to even go there or should keep it to myself... forever.

So my T knows that I avoid. Does your T know?

 

[grit]

But a big hesitation for me is that, all these historical childhood trauma topics involve my mum in some way. Not that she was abusive - she absolutely wasn’t. But, in that, if I start digging into that childhood stuff (even if I want to look for generally about my attachment patterns or my patterns around relationship dynamics) my mum is somewhere in the picture with all those things. And I guess I’m thinking that that makes those topics not ok at the moment. But, I don’t know

I think you are beating yourself which is probalby a pattern itself. Your mom died recently and this is a huge impact and I totally get you will be shocked, numbed, regroup about life and rearrange thoughts and even see therapist as blahha - ALL NATURAL REACTION TO THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE. yes you are grieving. Please allow that.

I only quote this line because to me it seems there are issues with your mother. It does not have to be abuse even though interestingly enough you used that word and then contradicted yourself right after. When a mother makes a huge mistake on her child (and I am not a mother but I was a baby/child one time), to the eyes of the child, this is huge and the impact that “mistake” had on the child depends what else the mother did or did not do. So if you are having attachment issues, this will infer there was a breakdown of some sort when you were growing up and your mother impacted you some negative way (unconsciously or consciously) and you today as adult is resisting that impact because mom is dead or maybe you really think mom was a good person and maybe she was really but your inner child is saying no she was not cause she left me in the daycare before I was ready etc! When your adult sees a parent great and yet you have childhood issues – that to me is a huge disconnect and healing comes only when both are accepted as the truth.

But all these things are not important now while you truly grieve for the loss of your mother. I think acknowledge that and focus on that until your body and mind are back to deal with everything else I life. Give your mother the space for her and you to finish your business on earth before you go on living on earth and deal al the childhood issues and hopefully you may start to see how your mother failed you and how she supported you to become the person you are today.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for checking in @blackemerald1

We did discuss context setting...Everything fell out of my head as soon as she mentioned it, so she then asked if I wanted her to reflect back a summary of what we’ve worked on and things that have come up and she then did a really great job of that, pulling everything together in a really clear, coherent way and making links and picking out key underlying themes...and then we got onto recent things including family stuff and my mum’s passing.

She said she thought we needed to spend sometime exploring where I am with that (the loss of my mum) before we turn our attention back to anything else inc historical trauma stuff. Which I suppose I wasn’t really that surprised about. So, then I said how I was still consciously avoiding thinking about my mum and when she popped into my head she instantly disappeared. And I told her about the intrusive thoughts. And then I was getting a bit teary and tired and spacey...so...yeah...I got a bit dissociated so it’s all a bit of a blur!

When I got home I pretty much went unconscious. Yesterday I was still really hazy. Today, the haze has pretty much cleared and instead I’ve felt really edgy and wired. Don’t know why I’m feeling so anxious. Have felt in a massive tizz all day. I’m exhausting myself ?

you don't go into any session (nor do any of us) as a uncomplicated, serene, completely focused person. You go in with everything that has happened and is happening in your life... and try to make some head-way on something

This is a good reminder, thanks. And my T is very good at not having any expectations but of meeting me wherever I am and letting me be however I need to be. I just always feel such a strong need to look composed...I find it really, really hard to let some composure go and just be...messy!

ETA: And yes, my T knows I avoid.

It does not have to be abuse even though interestingly enough you used that word and then contradicted yourself right after.

I think I see what you’re trying to say @grit but I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed today...in general and by your post!

The bit I’ve quoted above...I don’t know...I feel I need to say something about it but I don’t have much energy or ability to gather my thoughts. In short: I don’t feel I contradicted myself...I was aware that I’d mentioned my mum being somehow in the wider picture/story of some early trauma and then I thought people might interpret that to mean that Mum was a perpetrator/abuser, which she was not. So, I wrote that to clarify that she was not abusive, because she wasn’t. But it seems that backfired and that’s what you thought I was saying anyway!

I don’t know...maybe you’re right and that my “inner child” feels angry or hurt or something by her. I’m not aware of that. And now is really not the time for me to be trying to look for ways that she “failed” me.

 

[shimmerz]

Just wondering if it is possible that your Mom felt like your protection and on a different level you may be feeling that that protection is gone? The Queen of unconscious here (me) thinks that perhaps what would drop you like that would be a core belief that ties into your self image. And come to think of it, unconscious is what I do when I think there is not protection for me.

Could be total babble here, but just thinking out loud. I am so very sorry you are going through this @barefoot.

 

[Abstract]

Sending much support Barefoot. Thoughts but no writting at mo. Patience with yourself is always a good start. All of this is quite understandable in the curcumstances.