Feeling Abused In This Relationship, And Expecting.

[Kadie]

So I have been with my BF for 6+ months, we live together. I just found out I was expecting, again...we werte pregnant 4 mons ago and lost it...but this time is Wayyyy different...he has been so mean to me. Yelling at me, saying he doesnt want to be a father, it's all my fault..etc...he accusing me all the time of cheating, when I dont...and critisizes me often..idk what to do...its really starting to depress me....I think he is just overloaded and I AM not sure how to help him..I am pushed to my limit...should I end this>

 

[intothelight]

Hi Kadie,

I am sorry you are going through this. When you first introduced yourself on the forum, Anthony wrote the following:

The answer is to keep doing exactly what your doing, and change as change is required, providing you do not begin to enable any bad behaviour.

The behavior you described above is completely and totally unacceptable. You need to set your boundaries and convey them quite clearly. From my past experience, what you are describing above is abuse plain and simple, and should not be tolerated in any way, shape, or form.

His issues are his issues and being there to support him while he works on them is one thing; but living with his abuse toward you and an unborn child is another. This isn't about him, it is about you and your baby. You do not need this abuse, nor the additional stress during a pregnancy. And you need to ask yourself if you want to bring a child into a relationship where one of the parents acts this way.

Do what is best for you and your baby. I know what I am saying, is far easier said than done. But from experience I know that unless he changes his behavior, the pain it will cause in the long run is nothing compared to the pain it is causing now.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.
Debbie

 

[Oberons Wife]

Kadie, I don't know where you live, so I'm not sure how best to advise you. I used to work for a Womens Refuge in England. Our organisation also had a phone line service and women could also come into talk to staff without being rehoused. Even with a background of working in the field, I became terribly confused when my most recent partner started to become verbally abusive and controlling (returning to the 'it must be my fault' patterns of thought). I went and talked it over with my local refuge workers and started making plans to leave then man. I left before he had physically assaulted me. (a triumph), but after leaving, my son said how he'd been bullied by this man, and I hadn;t known. My son is so incredibly happy in our new life. No regrets. (damn poor though!)
When you map progression of domestic violence relationships, pregnancy is a milestone: A time of escalation. Please take care.
Please keep a firm hold of the idea that no-one is entitled to scream and shout, to intimidate and humiliate another. Please don't let your circle of contacts with the community disappear. Contact a specialist service if you are able.
All good wishes for you and your child.

 

[Girl3]

Tigers do not readily change their stripes. You need to commit to you and your baby. Your unborn child IS experiencing your distress. I lived through ten years of being assaulted, verbally abused, threatened - he will not change until and unless he wants to - so save yourself and your baby. There are loving people in the world. Seek them.

 

[ClairBear226]

Yelling at me, saying he doesnt want to be a father, it's all my fault..etc...he accusing me all the time of cheating, when I dont...and critisizes me often..

Are you dating my ex? 45 year old balding pot bellied poster child for narcisism? Former US Navy guy with a lot of stories about his time in combat in the war he fought in 1987 (we weren't AT war in 1987)? Because this sounds really, really familiar. Can I just look you right in the eye, hold you by the shoulders and tell you loudly and clearly, GET. OUT. NOW. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars. Your "red alert" is correct. He's a jerk, and you deserve better.

 

[Girl3]

Wish I could hit the 'like' tab on ClairBear226's response 100 times

 

[Kadie]

yeah...its getting so ridiculous....I am really considering kicking him out...this is my apt. my place..he came into and now he is so disrespectful of my feelings..and what the worst part is..its great one day...love him...next he is so moody and distant... I want to be helpful and loving...but its starting to just piss me off, like he is getting away with bad behavior because of the "ptsd"..I think it's wrong.. I can barely function..I am so depressed...don't want t go to work,etc/ Also he goes to his mom's for a few days at a time, doesn't call or anything...then just shows back up...it's like wtf...hello?? And I don't trust him at all, for instance, tonight he showed up after 2 days to get his wallet, came and went in seconds, doesnt tell me where hes going, to a movie or something, then gets in the car with a girl I dont even know!!! What am I suppose to think?? it's so exhausting....what to do...help me?!?!

 

[ClairBear226]

I would assume that someone that doesn't want to be a part of your life doesn't deserve to be a part of your life. Period. Not complicated. Not messy. He's either in your life or he isn't. He either cares about you or he doesn't. He either cares about his unborn child enough to show it or he doesn't. And it really sounds like he's already made that choice.

If he's just coming and going when he feels like it, and going off with other women with no explanation, I would call that a big old flashing bright red warning sign that something is really wrong here. I would say he views your relationship as one of convienience. You're there at his beck and call when he wants you to be, and he invests nothing in it any other time. Either you're someone's convienience, or you're your own person. Which is it? Decide what you want from the relationship, and if your jigsaw puzzle piece doesn't fit with his without mashing the death out of either one, then time for the DELETE key. Done. Time to move on. It's all I've got, Kadie. You either have enough self respect for yourself, or you don't.

I can tell you, there are some really wonderful people out there that happen to be male. I'm friends with several of them, and I married one. I can't come up with a single good reason to waste a minute of your life on a dumb schmuck that doesn't know how to treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

 

[ClairBear226]

By the way, somebody tried to tell me the same thing about my ex husband a really long time ago, and I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to hear how I could make it better, how I could make it work, and how I could make it right. You heard it here first. YOU CAN'T. It's not within your power.

 

[Sandra]

Love really can be blind. Yup been there.

 

[Kadie]

Amen to both of you....so true..I need to find my self respect and self worth and get out of this hell of a relationship

 

[Sandra]

All the best to you Kadie.