Feeling Alone

[Reds]

I got the job I had applied for in a different province. They called me back today to make an offer and it was a good one.

I was happy about this until I told my partner and his reaction is really stressing me. He said if I took the job then it will be the end of us and I will never see him again. This is stressful to me. He is the only person in my life. This is the only real relationship I have.

So I am here with this offer letter from the company and I am not sure what the right thing to do is. Do I sign and take the job or do I just stay here and keep this man?

He means a lot and the only source of support apart from my t. I am just feeling so alone and stressed right now. I think moving would be good in that I will be sure knowing I will not see my abuser again or have my mom want me to get along with the abuser. :cry:

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Wow, Reds, I'm sorry that you are having to deal with such a difficult situation. I'm more sorry that your partner has put you in the position to choose him or a great opportunity.

I am terrible at advice so my only thought about this is to do an inventory. Meaning, sit down and write out a list of all of your thoughts and feelings about moving/job and thoughts and feelings about continuing your relationship. For me, for some reason, getting everything out on paper makes it easier to process everything and helps give a clearer answer of which is the best decision.

I am thinking good thoughts for you, Reds. Do what is best for you.

 

[RussH]

Wow, you are in the proverbial rock and a hard spot. I guess I have a few questions you might want to ask yourself:
1. Does he truly love you?
2. Does he have a really good job, and moving would make it hard for him to find work?
3. Is this job offer so good that it makes good economic sense for both of you?
4. Can you make it comfortably on the income if you take the job and move?
5. If you stay, are you staying because you love him, or you are afraid of being alone? If the answer is afraid of being alone, that really isn't a good enough reason to stay

The bottom line: will you be happier staying, or leaving? I hope whatever you decide is the best thing for you.

 

[DMerish]

I think you might feel real unhappy about leaving your partner AND exceedingly happy with the new job and beginning new a life!

There's no guarantee you can "keep him" even if you stayed, right? You're not married to him, right? And he hasn't proposed, vowed, his intention to marry you, right? Saying he'd never see you again if you went, IMO, is not something someone would say in a "real" relationship. I think saying something to invite the possible continuance of the relationship despite your going, (i.e. how can WE work this out?) would have been the appropriate response from someone that really cared for you and the relationship. I'm sorry that I'm sounding brutally blunt. But what he said sounds to me like emotional blackmail, (i.e. do this or else). It's not something someone IMO would say in a "real" relationship - it's abuse. I may be over reacting, however, because emotional/mental abuse was the fuel for my PTSD, and I get rather riled up when I think it's happening to someone else.

You can't honestly know whether you'll be happier with the new job and the new place. So, what I suggest you do is think about the future long-term; what is it that has more of a probability of helping you to be financially independent, that has more probably of enhancing your physical, mental and emotional stability - for years to come - and decide to go with that.

As I see it, you don't have much to lose by going. And possibly a whole lot to gain (although there's bound to be discomfort, at least at first).

Drew

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@DMerish,
I think you are overreacting. Does her partner have no say in this? Must he be forced into a long distance relationship with infrequent physical contact against his will?

Not everyone wants to do the long distance thing. Would it have been better for him to just play along for her sake and ignore his own needs and wants?

Please don't make an incompatibility issue into an abusive act.

 

[SRE7267]

I'd say that if you are excited about the opportunity, see real value in taking the position and feel that it would help you in reaching the goals you have in your life, then take the step towards the position. If he isn't willing to support you in that for whatever his reasons may be (not wanting to do long distance, etc.) then that is his decision. You need to make the best decision for you, regardless of how hard it may be. I'd say that if you are unsure, then you will need to spend some time with yourself to list the pros and cons of each part of your life when it comes to this decision and really decide what is best for YOU in this moment. If it's best for you to turn down the job and work on your relationship, then by all means do that... but if it's best for you to take the job, well, then do that and make that choice knowing that you are taking care of yourself, not leaving something behind. All the best. Not an easy decision to have to choose.

 

[Seasounds]

Sometimes, in situations like this, in addition to seeking counsel-as given above, I will do a one or two day retreat, alone, away form every thing and away from everyone. In quiet moments, I may come to see more possibilities and options-in my problem solving. At these times, I may also know what path is best for me.

The good thing, here, is you are at choice.

 

[DMerish]

@Solara,

The way Reds wrote what her partner said (that's the end of us, you won't see me again) may have not have been his exact words. And we don't know their relationship: only Reds and her partner do. The extent of his influence whether she goes or not is up to her.

I didn't say her partner should ignore their needs. I don't assume to know what the distance between them would mean as a difficulty for either of them. But I do know that long distance relationships can be workable, and I put forth my opinion and some questions based on what Reds wrote.

I didn't make "an incompatibility issue into an abusive act." I also included that I could be over reacting, thus implying that my perceptions and opinions would not be in line with what's going on. Just something for her to consider, or ignore what I wrote.

 

[StarChild]

He is the only person in my life. This is the only real relationship I have.

Reds, I don't know much about your relationship, but if he knows, that he's your only real friend / partner, and that you're reliant on him, then his statement is really pretty steep! And if this would be the case, then his behaviour is abusive.

I'll type some questions, which cross my mind: Is he insecure? Is he afraid of losing you? How was your relationship in general? Was he a shoulder to lean on, or rather dominant / controlling? Could it be, that he can't handle it, if you would be (more) successful and more independent from him? (Some prefer rather "to comfort and support a partner to stumble around on the floor, than to encourage you to try to fly")

But what he said sounds to me like emotional blackmail

Yes it sounds exactly like this to me as well. Because if it would be the other way around = HE had a job in another province, as matter of course, it would be like "Oh, Reds, if you really love him, you will move with him / you will manage the long distance relationship". And for his "either me or the job"-statement... Well, I bet, if you (as a woman) had said this to him, lots of people (in general I mean, not especially only on this forum) would ask you red: "Why do you put him under so much pressure? Why can't you (as a woman) be more flexible? Why can't you give him the space to live HIS dreams? Don't you want to see him happy?" This implicitness still has to do with the gender role which is deep ingrained in our thinking, our self definition.

Does her partner have no say in this? Must he be forced into a long distance relationship

To have a say in something, or to blackmail the partner by threaten to leave her, if she doesn't give in to his demand / his will, are IMO two totally different things...

with infrequent physical contact against his will?

Not everyone wants to do the long distance thing.

Would it have been better for him to just play along for her sake and ignore his own needs and wants?

Well, would it be just better for Reds to stay here with him and ignore her own feelings and needs. And if so, why Solara? Why are his needs more important than hers? Solara, this is absolutely no judgement, and I don't know why my gut feeling is like this. But in this case, could it be, that your answer (IMHO) seems to be triggered, from your own (painful?) experiences or disappointment(s). Otherwise it's not comprehensible for me, why you're so concerned, even upset about the "infrequent physical contact" for him?.. But as I said, it's an impression I have, a gut feeling. Nothing we should start to argue about. It just caught my attention.

 

[anonymous]

Honestly it seems like you should have the support of someone in your relationship for a great new opportunity, if it is truly the right thing for you to do...

I don't see how it is right for someone to tell you that you can't, that it will be the end of things. How is that fair?

 

[Abstract]

His words sound manipulative to me. Passive aggressive.

It is fine to decide one doesn't want a long term relationship but a normal caring partner would say something like, "I don't want to loose you and love you but if this is what you want then I will support you. I can't be in a long distance relationship and I hope you can understand that".

His approach smacks of trying to force you to do what he wants no matter the cost to you. Especially if he knows he is your only support. Its his way or suffering and he wants to make sure you know that. That's my take from what you shared here.

 

[Lucycat]

How long has this relationship with your Partner been, considering you were in a sexual relationship with your previous T according to your other thread? Makes me think this is something of a short term/newish relationship, thus consider yourself first!