General Feeling At The End Of My Rope.

[Nicolette]

I think the reason I'm telling you this is that I may understand what your bf is trying to do---push you away because he feels he's not worthy of being loved.

And here you have hit the nail on the head without probably even realising it....

If you can't love yourself how can you love anyone else? :dontknow:.

Only he can change the way he thinks about himself and no matter how much you love someone if they do not accept it there is nothing you can do. They say that in any relationship there is always one person who loves the other more.

 

[pebbels]

Hi Carolina,
Firstly don't be so hard on your self:smile:it is a very confusing time for you trying to figure everything out, the behaviour, the hurtful words your boyfriend says to you and the pushing away.

He is reflecting onto you how he feels about himself and until HE decides to seek help what you see is what you get. I felt your frustrations because i have been where you are at and heard word for word what he has said to you from my own partner and also pushed away and shut out.

Hence my saying to you what do YOU want, you DO matter in all of this if this is what you want and he is worth all the effort it is going to take from you to reprogramme YOU as to how you react/respond to his behaviour, but why not ASK him what he wants and if he is not ready to seek help to understand his own behaviour and mindset then you will haved to respect his decision and YOU do all the changeing, worrying, accommodating and continue your ride on the rollercoaster of emotions you will continue to endure whilst learning more about ptsd and WAIT until he is.

Wishing for you all the best carolina:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Shoka]

Carolina,

I have heard these exact statements before. It's not that I ignored them, it's that I wished for the best. I stuck in there, my sufferer got help, and medication, and he got alot of love and support.

After almost a year of therapy, he still had a major episode and now everything is on the line. Our relationship, families, his job..... I know that it is now "monday mornining quarterbacking" to say that I wish I had stepped back from the relationship a little about a year ago. I'm not saying I wish I had ended it, because I do love this man, I wish I had stopped and disengaged for a time. Disengaging would have given me and him room to get healthy.

What I realize now is that "normal" relationships are stressful, even when things are pretty even keeled, whne there is a disorder, the stress is probably too much for either party to accurately assess what the right thing to do is.

My sufferer and I now have no choice but to disengage. We've been told we must do it by the professionals and it is heartbreaking, frightening, and feels like everything is out of control.

The one boundary I always had was that in order for me to stay in the relationship with him, he had to be taking his meds and seeing his therapists. If your bf isn't there, getting help, then you need to really understand that he will not get better on his own. He will sadly take you down with him (not on purpose) if he doesn't get help.

Some of his statements sound like he knows he's in trouble, but that's just my interpretation.

All you can do at this point is get help for yourself. I would do that if I were you.

Shoka

 

[Carolina]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all your replies, it means a lot. I was a bit AWOL in the past week... Another crisis happened and then I took some time off, went to have fun, it helped.

I'm still not sure where I'm standing. He told me last week that he doesn't know if he loves me anymore, he said he doesn't know if he knows what it is anymore. It hurt, a lot. But I realize that it's not me, so that helps. I don't really know how things are, or where it's going. But having some fun this past few days made me realize that I can be happy even with things going so wrong.

He said he doesn't know if he'll be able to continue letting people in if he regain his control on things. It makes me sad. I tried telling him to get help but he flipped off on me. A lot of people nag him for that and I think he knows that it's the route he'll have to take eventually.

 

[adrenaline]

Carolina,

I so relate to what you just wrote. My GF and I broke up a little over a month ago after having gone through something similar to what you described. At a point in time it seems that being in a relationship became a huge stressor for her and she started questioning her feelings. She started saying that she didn't know if she loves me anymore and that she needed to move out. It hurts bad, as you said, but putting it into perspective I guess some sufferers start asking themselves how is that something that is suppossed to be good can become so stressful and even become a trigger.

Today, if I look back I believe it would have been better if I would have given her the space that she needed. I would have been more helpful for her if I would have dettached with love. I understand now that she needs space and time to process and confront her feelings, and I'm giving it to her. I'm letting her be in absolute control of our interactions. I don't contact her, I let her set the pace and contact me when she feels like it. I don't cease to be amazed by the effect I have on her, we have seen each other a few times since she left and she gets really stressed when she's around me, to a point that she could blow off on me just because she didn't like the way I said hi. The good is that she is now getting increasingly aware of that and I believe she will address this in one of her upcoming counseling sessions.

I have been taking care of myself meanwhile and continue to focus into that. I understood that you need to put on your own oxygen mask prior to even thinking about helping the passenger sitting next to you. From my perspective the only true way we can help or sufferers is by just being there, avoiding to ask questions and to get caught into arguments, and it takes a lot of strength. It's hard, we are humans too, but I'm sure that if you take care of yourself you will become better and better at it.

I wish you success in your journey.

 

[Carolina]

I'm sorry to hear that, adrenaline and I hope things work out for you. I'm tempted to make it that he only contacts me... I'm just worried about the other effect it would have. He tends to quickly believe I don't care for him if I don't get in touch.

I usually just get in touch to say hi and then leave it to him to keep the conversation going, but it's always hard to not make out sound like I'm not interested.

Anyone know how to manage that?

 

[cyanide]

I'm tempted to make it that he only contacts me... I'm just worried about the other effect it would have. He tends to quickly believe I don't care for him if I don't get in touch.

Gah. I'm in the exact same position right now, and it's so frustrating. If I do contact her, it helps her feel lovable and adequate, but if I don't contact her, it gives her space and reduces her fear so she can lower her guard. Problem is, they both contradict each other, and there's no telling which is "right."

It helps if she can initiate contact with me, but if it doesn't happen for so long, then we're both left in the dark with our feelings and assumptions to ourselves.

 

[adrenaline]

Cyanide, Carolina,

That's the same dilemma I am facing. I have been leaning towards letting her make contact as she feels like it, and that is what I am actually doing, but I struggle with that approach every single second thinking that she may feel that I have turned my back on her. I am addressing this dilemma with my T, whom I chose with a similar set of skills and background as her T (trauma, PTSD, EMDR...) so we could speak in the same language. I will keep you posted as we continue progressing in our discussions of the pros and cons of each approach. Even though every case is unique I believe our exercise may provide you with additional perspective.

 

[Carolina]

I don't know. I usually small talk a little with him and then let him choose whether to keep the convo going or not... I figure that if he didn't want me to get in touch with him, he would either put his AIM on invisible or such...

 

[pegasus]

I've seen similar up until now, that if they didn't want to be in touch their aim or yahoo would be invisible, and I kept it to small talk. Not the way it's been since Sunday but she has driven most of that.

 

[cyanide]

The small talk seems to be quite common among sufferers, though I still find it puzzling as to why. What is the likely or common reason for the difficulty in talking and chatting?

1. The need for space?
2. The physical inability/difficulty in responding?
3. The feeling of inadequacy and not entitled to respond?
4. The inability to find proper words or a voice?
5. All of the above, or other?

 

[Shoka]

Dear Cyanide, Pegasus and Caroline

To answer the question on the last post, "all of the above and other".

Let me expand what I mean:
What I've learned the hard way is that some sufferers can not be expected to participate in relationships the way they once had. For some sufferers, the PTSD limits their ability to respond, react, or give back to the relationship in ways that they may have before. They need space, but then they suddenly return and make alot of demands, there are times when things seem normal and then times when everything is falling apart. There is nothing normal about being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD, and I know in my case I am now questioning whether this person isn't better off in his recovery if he did not have to deal with the normal stresses of being in a relationship. I realize that I can not expect him to meet many of my needs and that he is not capable of behaving "normally" in a relationship right now. Please note, I do not mean that carers should tolerate abuse or neglect because their sufferers are sick. Most carers, including myself walk the fine line of becoming enablers if not cautious.

NO amount of a carer understanding PTSD and trying to help will change the fact that some sufferers may not be able to fully participate in a relationship in a way that they feel good about. It must be very confusing for sufferers, especially if they were once fully functioning in the relationship area and now find themselves needy, unsure and uncertain of what they want. Remember that PTSD can actually change a person's brain chemistry.

I've also learned the hard way that too much focus on the sufferer and why they do what they do slowly drains the carer from themselves and from their own mental health. It's really devastating, but it's true. Many of us do not want to let go of our sufferers because we want to help, but sometimes letting go is the only hope. Spending lots of energy on trying to figure everything out can lead to serious inbalance for carers.

For example, I have spent the last 11 months trying to do everything I can to control the environment around my sufferer so that he won't trigger and so he won't have unnecessary stress. It's nice that I've tried to do this, but with all my effort and hard work, guess what? He still triggers. I have tried to make myself into the "perfect" girlfriend in hopes that it would help him and it hasn't helped him at all. After months of therapy and some real progress, he had a major relapse and now we are both back at square one. I doubt this is an uncommon experience.

Sufferers withdraw, or they get mean and cranky, or they go to dark places. Most often, it was going to happen anyway, it's part of the journey they are on, even if the journey includes therapy and a loving wonderful partner.

By all means stand by your sufferer, but more important than that, focus FIRST on your own needs and getting them met by other people in your life. Let my experience of trying SO hard for almost a year (by being patient, kind, understanding, creating the perfect environment, letting go, etc etc) and then having a huge incident blow up suddenly and quickly in front of my face be a lesson to everyone.

I tried everything but detaching and now because of what happened I have no choice.

My efforts to try to control some of this stuff and or try to figure it out were ultimately fruitless in stopping his triggers and I should have been taking better care of myself all along. What I need and what he can give me are not in balance. Now it's all up to me as to what to do next. I'm afraid to let go completely because I still have hope, but I realize that I haven't climbed the mountain with him yet, I've only gone up a little foothill and if I choose to stay with him, it's going to be a long, hard, and at times lonely climb to the top.

There are no quick fixes or easy answers to some of these questions as to why sufferers do what they do, so it's best to try to put your life first and learn how to store your energy. Allowing a sufferer to totally drive the relationship "bus" is probably not the best strategy for anyone, on the other hand a carer can not force the relationship issue either. In many cases, I think detaching with love is the only answer. Give the sufferer the reassurance that you love them, yes, but realize that you must live your life, sometimes without them, perhaps not forever with out them, but perhaps for times. Decide if that's what you want and can deal with.

Shoka