Feeling Chaotic

[gecko100]

I have had ptsd for 7 years now. I got it through work. My immediate family do not get it, and my siblings and I are estranged for many years.

I have my daughter partner and child living with me at the moment, I can't seem to do anything that meets their expectations and spend most of my time living in my room. They don't understand the need to isolate and take it very personally. I have done my best educate them about ptsd, and predict for them what my happen under certain circumstances, but to no avail. My daughter (a psychologist) believes I feign my symptoms. Her partner recently SHOUTED at me that I was 'irresponsible and unreliable' I can't seem to make them understand that screaming at me is counter productive, and has negative effects on me.

The latest news is that they are moving out (because of me) which I don't have an issue with except I am terrified at the amount of work that needs to be done before they go. I have only a disability pension to survive on and I know it will all cost money.

Sleep is elusive, and I feel heavy and tired most of the time, and a return of the Major Depressive illness I also suffer from.

I am seriously contemplating suicide because all of it seems just too much,and I am the 'guilty' party, although parts of think I didn't cause ptsd so why should I feel guilty?

My children have less than helpful during this nightmare.

>Full line spaces inserted between paragraphs by Amethist>

 

[missd84]

I'm sorry gecko100 that you are feeling this way! PTSD is not something you can understand unless you suffer from it. I have wanted for so long for someone to understand but I've come to terms with they're just not going to.

And please don't leave this world. I don't know you but someone out there does and would probably miss you. In fact, just a quick story....I go to a rape victim group every few weeks. The first time I was there, it was just me and the facilitator, and another new girl. Our stories are so similar and we really connect like I can't with anyone else. I hadn't been in awhile and when she wasn't there before me tonight, I was sad. She finally came through the door and she said that she had been in the psych ward because she tried to kill herself. She feels a lot better since then and was able to help me tonight in so many ways. If she would have succeeded in her suicide attempt, I know that tonight's meeting would not have been as helpful to me. I told her I am glad it didn't work and if she ever needed anything, just send me a text or give me a call. I would miss her if she were gone.

I have my own suicidal thoughts...in fact, I'm going to the hospital tonight....because of her encouragement!

 

[gecko100]

How lovely of you to reply with such a heartfelt message. I know people will miss me, but I feel so overwhelmed at the moment. The news was only given to me today, so I will let it settle in a bit before I do anything drastic. I wish you the best of luck for tonight.

When they go will so miss my grandchild, but it won't be permanent. I don't want to cause rifts, so I'm using every bit of equanimity I can muster. I feel very sad, and am going through a change of meds which doesn't help

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Gecko,

I feel for you and am sending warm and positive thoughts your way. You are right, a med change at this time would not be helping. So please, give those meds a chance to work. Seek out help through a crisis line and/or hospital ER if you need it. Things will get better but it is so hard to see that when one is in crisis and I know this from personal experience. Hang in there.

 

[gecko100]

Thanks for the comforting thoughts Butterfly, I know it's not a good time with the meds change. I m just trying to keep my mind 'empty' of the future, but when it's bed time the thoughts come rolling in until the sun comes up. I do have an emergency number if I need it

 

[Girl3]

Having an unsupportive family is one of the risk factors for developing PTSD.

Isolation is a primitive coping skill because it makes you feel safe when in fact it just makes you more at risk because it cuts off the chance for needed support. One of my on-going homework assignments from my psychiatrist is to get out and make friends. So if someone from work that I like/trust because I have seen they are good/trustworthy asks me to go eat or shopping, I accept. I hate to go out. But over the past year I have learned that this is a way to get the kind of support I need, is to have friends. Because of my anxiety about being out, having someone to talk to out in public eases my anxiety.

The key is to allow good, kind people to friend you. You don't have to tell them you have PTSD in the beginning or ever. People don't have to know your darkest secrets to be your supportive friend. Part of my healing since I got diagnosed with PTSD is getting out of my dark isolation and into the sun - literally and figuratively.

If you don't work, then try church, or a hobby that you like and go to classes in things that interest you.

Isolation will only add to your depression. Forget your family being your support or even understanding your PTSD. I was in treatment for decades with so many different diagnoses - so even mental health providers do not always give the proper support.

Please get proper help if you are suicidal. Let the love of others help lift you up. If your family isn't supportive, then don't waste your life energy on trying to get them to be supportive. I hope you find the support you need and deserve.

 

[Srain]

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a rough time. I want to welcome you to what I've found to be a very supportive Forum.

I can surely feel for where you are at. When the symptoms of my PTSD got so severe I was forced to take long term disability, my family could not understand, some thought I had begun drinking again, friends got fatigued, I was terrified and exhausted. It was just me and my dog day and night after awhile, even the online site wasn't welcoming me.

I get that it's difficult, I know the hours drag but you are here now and we HEAR YOU.

Stick around and find out who you are and who we are.

Peace and hope,
Rain

 

[Nighthawk]

I can't say more than has been said but I want to welcome you to the forum:)

 

[gecko100]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome! I feel a bit better today, good enough to take my grandson on his first train ride. The best I can do is to ride this out, and try to remain calm about it - I guess change is inevitable. Maybe the new meds are kicking in finally.

It has really helped knowing that I'm not on this crazy journey alone. I know you are all doing it too, and you have kept going despite all the dark days. Thank you for sharing your wisdom/caring with me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Part of my healing since I got diagnosed with PTSD is getting out of my dark isolation and into the sun - literally and figuratively.

I like that analogy-
:), xox