Feeling confused about enjoying the EMDR, and being scared of myself right after the session

[Juana]

1. I find EMDR sessions fun, very intimate with my T, while extremely nerve wracking. I’m very sick after the sessions days long, but still can’t deny they’re fun too. Is it weird? I somehow feel guilty, or disrespectful towards myself, when I realise I enjoy EMDR. I think I like the intimacy and also the freedom to feel so many emotions which abruptly change, come and go. I also enjoy the how frightening it can be. Really hoop to hear I’m not the only one liking EMDRs.

2. I don’t know if I have DID. I’m new to the field. But a few times, right after the EMDR and highly distressed, I was confronted with a sudden jumping out of a part of me. I observed a strange, unplanned, and unpredicted behaviour of myself, with a different tone and body language from what I usually have.

I was scared and ashamed afterwards because I had lost controle.

My T and I haven’t talked about those ‘character jumps’. I don’t even know if he noticed them. I can’t talk about it with my T, it’s too sensitive. Too early for me to accept, or acknowledge this side of myself in the sessions.

I’m wondering, do those moments look like some signs of DID?

 

[gorgonzola]

I haven't done EMDR and no DID but my understanding (and so take it with a bag of salt) is that EMDR needs to be of a specifically tailored version when DID is involved.

 

[Juana]

Thank you!
I get those behavioural jumps right after the EMDR, not during it. And I don’t know if I have DID. A DID tailored EMDR is probably not necessary for me.

However I’m not at all sure what I just said makes any sense. …oh I wish I was less confused!

 

[SeedMan]

I've done EMDR with my T a couple of times and I, too, find it exhilarating in the short-term yet it takes me a couple days to regain full cognitive focus afterwards. I've not been diagnosed with DID, yet my T and I only do the EMDR when I'm highly grounded and centered so I have enough resources to deal with the "recoil" from the process. Good for you for giving yourself to the process and I encourage you to work with your T to fine-tune how much of what to do when. All the best!

 

[In the weeds]

I get those "character jumps" also. That's a great way to phrase it. I'll feel more like a spectator then a participant in my behavior and words. I don't think I have DID. I'm aware, but don't feel in control. It never lasts very long though.

 

[Juana]

Thank you, good to know I’m not alone in this. My experience is exactly as you describe

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

EMDR lowers dissociative barriers, which is why it’s more risky with dissociative disorders (barriers to that degree are there for a reason), I do small resourcing from EMDR in therapy and I get more system activity afterwards.

that being said, I’d theory it’s possible that there are dissociative barriers along similar lines that could still be pulled down for people without the disorder. everyone dissociates, key part of trauma response. EMDR sucks afterwards partly because it’s dragging stuff out of dissociation to process it. what are the unexpected behaviours like? are they emotions you’ve disenfranchised? like anger for example? we often dissociate from feelings we’ve been trained to reject/hide/feel shame for.


might be useful to work towards talking to you T about it.

 

[Juana]

Thank you. In unexpected behaviours, or character jumps, my body language, my use of grammar and even my voice changes, and I say things I normally wouldn’t. Once I observed myself as a lovely and very funny scared child. Once like an annoyed teenager whom I (the observant) disliked. The teenage tried to mock the therapist and I (the observant) hated her voice. Seeing that teenager was very embarrassing and the whole thing is scary to me.

I know the child but the teenager jumped totally out of nowhere and an very unpleasant character!


What do you mean by system activity?

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

What do you mean by system activity?

I mean activity relating to parts, as a dissociative system

 

[Freddyt]

I find EMDR sessions fun, very intimate with my T, while extremely nerve wracking. I’m very sick after the sessions days long, but still can’t deny they’re fun too. Is it weird?

Nope. Not weird at all. Kind of typical actually.

Therapy, can be fun and exciting.

Therapy hangover not at all. The problem is at times you find what you didn't expect. It's why building your box and learning how to put stuff in it and leave it there is a key thing. As are learning some mitigation strategies that work for you. (grounding etc.)

All kinds of weirdness comes out after therapy days. As dreams or sensitivity, nightmares, all kinds of sounds and sensations that may be unpleasant. Again, leaning mitigation tools is really helpful. You need a bunch of tools in your toolbox to deal with all that weirdness after therapy.