Feeling Defeated Around Interpersonal Relationships

[Lost Pup]

In the first few years of healing, starting seven years ago, I was often so distraught and so activated that much of my therapy focused on simply grounding and creating safety.

I have healed a lot and in the past two years, my therapy, and healing in general, has been more centered on working with all the interpersonal disruption caused by my trauma.

Recent events in my life, over the past month, have made me see and feel, all that much more clearly, just how chaotic, unstable and explosive my friendships and family and work relationships have been throughout my life. I have given all I have in that time to really working on developing insight around this and trying to invest in building and sustaining relationships.

Then, I experienced a major blow in recent weeks when I had a full-blown flashback and protracted period of post-traumatic stress that led to my separation from my primary community and lost some extremely important friendships there.

I feel devastated right now, looking at the whole picture. I am not suicidal by any means but I felt that way last night. I am just so exhausted. I feel so profoundly alone and hurt.

I've lost friends since I was a child. Been alienated from others. Been kicked out of groups and sometimes shunned or scapegoated. I was asked to leave my high school. Many jobs I have left in the midst of some kind of chaotic interpersonal disruption. My breakups with partners have almost always been terrible. I am estranged from both of my siblings. And every year or two there seems to be another major event in which I feel I am pushed away because someone has concluded I am not reliable, disturbed, unsafe, etc.

I am so, so tired. I feel so unseen. I feel so angry. I am trying, and have tried, so so hard to be a good friend, partner, member of groups and communities. And eventually, it seems, there is always some kind of sudden and intense disruption to whatever stability I thought I had created and could depend on.

I am extremely kind and caring. I'm generous and give a huge amount of myself. But then I carry all of this baggage with me and it's heavy. And my psychological wounds are so deep that fractures always seem to emerge in my relationships with others.

I find too, that once I start to really get close to someone, to feel like we really are friends and I can depend on them, it triggers all kinds of really deep, strong feelings. I crave real connection and intimacy so much that often it leads to saying or doing things I regret. This happens frequently in my friendships with women. I often get confused and voice or write romantic overtures that I don't really mean. This causes all kinds of discomfort on both sides. And yet it is nothing more than a very genuine longing for connection.

The irony is, writing this, I feel as though I am giving voice to things I never would've dared to really see or say when I was less healed and that, for all intents and purposes, I am far, far healthier now. Yet I feel all the weight of it now, as I write it.

I want so dearly and so desperately to break this pattern in my life. More than anything else, I want to simply have stable, working friendships. I want to be seen as I am and valued. I want to be understood and cared for. And I want to have a solid working interpersonal base of friends and community that allows me to feel included and gives me the space in which to manifest all of my talents and dreams.

I don't quite know what to do. It just hurts so much today, both the looking back and the thinking it will all repeat again. It feels like a curse. And while I know I can influence this pattern to stop repeating, today I just feel overwhelmingly hopeless.

I want to be fully healed.

 

[Pencil]

What an amazingly sober, open and honest post.

I really relate to many of the things you express - the undertone being that I often want to say: 'I am not my behavior'. There is such a discrepancy between what I am, my intentions, my emotions, and then how these somehow find expression. Or perhaps 'other' things get expressed - I don't know, this is confusing.

I'm sure many members can relate.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I hate the pattern. If I had the power to make one aspect of this bloody disorder go away, it would be the push/pull pattern of closeness/alienation that I continue to repeat even though it has destroyed so much. I don't know why I do it....I know exactly why I do it. I want connection....I need to feel safe. The two are like oil and water. I can't ever have both. I feel like I am cursed because its not fair to put anyone else through this.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

I'm sure many members can relate.

Absolutely!

I don't live anywhere near my childhood, my college years, etc. I moved to a state that is very tight-knit and somewhat suspicious of "outlanders." Now in my forties, I find myself so incredibly isolated. Because I live in a college town, I make friends more easily with college kids, but, of course, when they graduate, they move away.

I've never kept in touch the way I should have. Now, I'm realizing what a sad mistake that was.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I can't tell you how emotional reading this chain made me, but it helped me to understand the issue I find so difficult to deal with in my man with PTSD. Thank you for talking so openly about it. It makes it so hard since I have the same tendencies of pushing him away or shutting down, although in much more short terms. I never saw his distancing being based in the same type of deep seated fears I have myself. I wish I could say something valuable here, all I can say is thank you for talking about it.

 

[Luke]

"Patterns"... Precisely. I too recognize the patterns of my interpersonal failures. Yet I fail to persevere, & break them, or even redirect my proclivities at those poignant moments of intersection in there seeming near perpetuity. I'm am glad, & it does provide some solace to read similar thoughts & emotions expressed here. Obviously, this is a common issue (although we & our relationships are all distinctly unique) amongst those afflicted by PTSD.

I want to say "thanks" & emphasize that reading these accounts & expressions is helping me to further ascertain & acknowledge my own conflicts regarding the desire for amiable &/or amorous connections & relations, contradicted by a steadfast & frighteningly strong & absolute, yet insidious instinctive need to be "safe" & always have an "escape" route to regain the distance that reasserts that nebulous feeling of safety.

Last fall I had a severe exacerbation in flashbacks & symptoms. I was a mess, for a long while. This turmoil forced me to examine my relationships (past & present) in the context of these "patterns" of which you speak. I really just kind of stumbled into it however. It wasn't a very deliberate journey. I also acknowledge that inexplicably strong tendency to "push" away anyone who had managed to wiggle under my skin. I realized if I couldn't identify with my intellect exactly why a person was attracted to me &/or I couldn't predict or account for this attraction or their behavior, thus asserting some kind of intellectual "control" over the situation, deep down... I freakin' panicked. Then the old proclivities & patterns kicked in, like an air conditioner when it hits a certain temp in a climate control setting.

Ultimately, my fear is that people will always hurt or at the very least disappoint me. Or worse... I'll hurt or disappoint them. I don't know how to work past it. I'll I can do is keep trying I suppose. Sometimes it seems laborious at best. I don't have the answers I'm afraid. All I can do is emphasize... & I DO.

I see people around me, & how they seem to effortlessly comport themselves in relationships, & they seemingly bottomless joy that provides them. It just seems so darn easy! For me, it seems an impossibility. Like something abstract. As if something I'd see in the movies, but will never translate into real life. A fallacy. Yet, there they are... all these people with girlfriends, & close friends, & happiness & joy, all "going with the flow" or whatnot.

I once compared this scenario (of being an affable outsider) to standing at the edge of a jubilant carousel. The kind you'd see on a boardwalk or a fair. You know with the ornate horses & whathaveyou. Everyone's laughing & riding, cavorting & relating, bobbing up & down along with the jovial calliope music... but I am standing outside. Watching these faces come & go, & circle around with the revolutions. People reach out for me. They try to drag me in & on to the ride. I smile, & say oh so witty things... but I take a subtle step back (to protect myself). So that I'm just barely out of reach. Sooner or later people stop coming around. Sooner or later people exit the ride on the other side from where I am stationary. I'm still standing there, on my side... alone... when the music begins again along with the revolutions. Often with new faces, & occasionally, with some old. I just... can't get on that ride. No one seems to understand why.

Maybe some of you understand (to an extent).

I guess all one can do is keep trying. Trying to see & extract the joy in & from whatever we CAN do & participate in. Trying to be happy; despite &/or in light of what we see, feel, & hear at times around, behind, & in front of us. Silver linings & whatnot. There are things to be grateful for & pleased with, despite these overwhelming (at times) feeling of being "broken" or malcontent.

I am extremely kind and caring. I'm generous and give a huge amount of myself. But then I carry all of this baggage with me and it's heavy. And my psychological wounds are so deep that fractures always seem to emerge in my relationships with others.

I know those wounds & that baggage, & it can be very very heavy at times. It can be like carrying around a gorilla. A huge primal beast, you're afraid will hurt you &/or everyone else. This really struck a chord & resonated with me. In fact many facets of your posting did. Thank you for writing, & I wish you the best.

 

[Spring]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I have a better understanding of what my sufferer may be experiencing at times. This is very valuable information for me as a supporter.

 

[Lost Pup]

As I mentioned in my initial post, I recently separated from my primary community and lost some friends there. In a nutshell, someone defaced a publicly displayed photograph of me in an extremely hurtful manner which lead to a major flashback and period of post traumatic stress. During that time, I said some things over our communal listserv in distress.

I just learned last night that someone there who I considered a friend told my partner that, not long before this event, I had "gotten up in her face" in a conversation. I was floored to hear this. I consider myself very self-aware and, at very least, am extremely neurotic about not coming off too strongly with others.

I'm open to recognizing that sometimes people have experiences of us that we are not aware of and that they may take things more strongly than are intended but, nonetheless, I am both shocked and really, really hurt. I can guarantee you people sometimes think of me as opinionated or arrogant or whatever but I can also guarantee you that I have never "gotten up in someone's face," carrying with it, as it does, some suggestion of intimidation, physical or otherwise. I am hyper-aware, constantly, of other people's discomfort and would never, ever behave in an intimidating way.

I know I am over-reacting today in a sense and that this person may have been speaking more figuratively but I am having a lot of difficulty calming down about it. I find it so scary and upsetting that I could be so misunderstood. It feels as though someone is projecting a narrative of me backwards in time based on what happened with the photograph and any way in which my words at that time may have seemed strong or explosive, etc.

Any words of advice would be appreciated.