@Muse .... unfortunately I don't have a good online source to direct you... My knowledge is from 15+ years of the diagnosis, info I have learned from health-care providers, and a good bit of amateur-level research - but scattered, no specific resource. - I am very sorry if I sound schoolteacher-ish or lecturing, but I have strong feelings about this. I really am concerned that people reading might not know the difference, so I was very emphatic. I've suffered due to misunderstanding and.... Well. Most of us here have suffered due to misunderstanding of one kind of another. I really wish there was a good informational site specifically around Bipolar II... If you happen to run across one, would you please let me know?
Thank you so much for your extended and open post. It's a very interesting perspective you've got. I hope my message didn't offend you. I had no idea from your previous post that you were speaking from your own experiences and family history. I am so sorry for what you've been through! I think it is natural to blame the illness.... IMO anger is actually a pretty healthy reaction to things you've suffered, when you consider the alternatives such as guilt, shame, etc.
Your point that being up and down is very subjective, that's certainly true. Caffeine affects me a little differently depending on the day. Sometimes it feels like it "smooths" me out and actually makes me calmer...but sometimes I feel jittery and have even more trouble falling asleep.
(Slightly off topic: I recently saw a tv show with a fictional coffee shop named "Jitters"! I think that's weird. Who wants to be jittery??)
I used to be a writer and was fairly successful.... but now it's gone. I don't write anymore...not as a job, not creatively, and even writing posts on these boards can be difficult for me. My last breakdown made me scared of writing anything at all.
These days, I am now more depressed and less "manic-y" (which is what I say to differentiate from the full-blown manic states that seem to run in your family) but I am much less likely to hurt myself, accidentally or purposefully.
If you think that doing research would help you, go for it.... but there are more important things than grounding yourself in a diagnosis that you yourself don't have. Maybe you could self-talk yourself out of it? I think of negative things my mother has done and I think it might be easier if I could blame it on mental illness and maybe not be so bitter towards her as a person. I don't know. It's a very convoluted issue and I'm having trouble expressing myself right now - but I very much want to offer at least long-distance support to you and maybe help you be more settled about the past... ?
Thank you so much for your extended and open post. It's a very interesting perspective you've got. I hope my message didn't offend you. I had no idea from your previous post that you were speaking from your own experiences and family history. I am so sorry for what you've been through! I think it is natural to blame the illness.... IMO anger is actually a pretty healthy reaction to things you've suffered, when you consider the alternatives such as guilt, shame, etc.
Your point that being up and down is very subjective, that's certainly true. Caffeine affects me a little differently depending on the day. Sometimes it feels like it "smooths" me out and actually makes me calmer...but sometimes I feel jittery and have even more trouble falling asleep.
(Slightly off topic: I recently saw a tv show with a fictional coffee shop named "Jitters"! I think that's weird. Who wants to be jittery??)
I absolutely get this. A lot of people who suffer from Bipolar Disorder are unwilling to give up these manias, especially when they are pure, full-blown manic episodes, grandiosity. There can be great joy and unjustified self-confidence, lack of real-world practical knowledge, and of course goodwill towards all! ... But in my case, I had a self-awareness that would go in and out - I realized that my thinking was flawed, and all the amazing things I thought I could do - like crawling out my 3rd floor window to get closer to the rising sun - were NOT good ideas... in fact I kept switching back from that to a suicidal thinking, ok, how can I make sure I will die if I somehow hit the power lines and the ground? and that day of the rising sun, I got it together enough to check in to a psych hospital for my own safety.
I used to be a writer and was fairly successful.... but now it's gone. I don't write anymore...not as a job, not creatively, and even writing posts on these boards can be difficult for me. My last breakdown made me scared of writing anything at all.
These days, I am now more depressed and less "manic-y" (which is what I say to differentiate from the full-blown manic states that seem to run in your family) but I am much less likely to hurt myself, accidentally or purposefully.
If you think that doing research would help you, go for it.... but there are more important things than grounding yourself in a diagnosis that you yourself don't have. Maybe you could self-talk yourself out of it? I think of negative things my mother has done and I think it might be easier if I could blame it on mental illness and maybe not be so bitter towards her as a person. I don't know. It's a very convoluted issue and I'm having trouble expressing myself right now - but I very much want to offer at least long-distance support to you and maybe help you be more settled about the past... ?
