Feeling Like I Don't Want To Be Here

[DiamondBug]

I am really struggling. On my days off I sleep all day because I don't have the motivation to do anything, I don't eat or drink or move pretty much all day. I just want to hide myself away and break down. I cry almost everyday now. I'm in so much pain. On Christmas I couldn't even fake smile, I looked miserable and I felt like I was letting my family down and I just wanted to kill myself. I feel like everyone hates me. I can't stop worrying then I go to therapy but because I'm absolutely rock bottom and I just can't talk about these feelings, so I assume he thinks I'm getting a bit better when I'm literally struggling day by day. I know hiding it isn't helping but I'm scared he'll see me as weak or crazy if I come out with all this stuff. I'm the worst I've ever been. I'm so alone. Like at the end of every session I end up in the toilet breaking down because I felt like I couldn't say something or because I'm trying to consider how to survive another week with all this on my mind. I try and be quite but at the same time I just want my therapist to walk past, hear me and realise how down I am. That way I wouldn't have to tell him, he'd just know. I've been doing that after my weekly sessions for 6 months now and he hasn't noticed, so I doubt he would now. I just wish I could walk in and be completely open, but I don't think I can. I have never done that before. The words that I need to say are so hard, I try and sugar coat everything I say to people to make it easier for me, but there's no way of saying some things in that way. My therapist doesn't really talk to me (I know that sounds weird) he does but doesn't as much as I thought he would. I don't know whether it's because he's still getting to know me and he doesn't want to interrupt my flow as I talk (sometimes when I'm interrupted by someone talking or another thought, I loose all track of what I was talking about and I get really embarrassed), sometimes I think he really doesn't know what to say and sometimes I think he's hiding things from me, like he judges me or something. Obviously I'm aware he probably wouldn't judge me on purpose because that'd be counter productive. I just get really scared about what he thinks about me. Especially if I told him all the horrible things about my past. I feel like it's all he'd see in me. I know the way I'm thinking is irrational but I can't help it. Everything really hurts. I really have never felt as shit as I do right now.

 

[Lovemyself]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Its hard to open up and trust to tell the truth my last doctor told me he didnt beleive me as i sat in front of him with a scar on my face and leg from being abused as a baby. I havnt been to a doctor since i gave up

 

[Lovemyself]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Its hard to open up and trust to tell the truth my last doct...

You can see the scars all over me but my doctor told me i made it up

 

[Lovemyself]

That was two years ago i stopped going to the doctors after that

 

[DiamondBug]

That was two years ago i stopped going to the doctors after that

Thanks for your reply, I had something similar happen to me, after telling my 2nd therapist really graphic details of my trauma she told me it is my fault if that group do it to any other girls, because I didn't tell my parents, police, school, etc. I went absolutely mad at her, I think some "professionals" aren't very good at all, you just need to find the right one for you, I hope you give it another try soon, take care of yourself!

 

[Yasukuni]

If it doesn't start to feel better with this therapist within a couple of sessions I would find another one. Maybe its smart to set a boundery like that (3/4 sessions) so you can take some control. Especially because you had some bad experiences with prior therapists. You're the client, you get to decide.

 

[digger]

I just want my therapist to walk past, hear me and realise how down I am

Might writing it down for him to read help?

 

[DiamondBug]

If it doesn't start to feel better with this therapist within a couple of sessions I would find anothe...

Thanks for your reply, I've been with this therapist for 6 months now, he is really good, We've talked about lots of different things, but it's just I find it hard to really explain how I feel in words. It just feels like I can't describe emotions, even though I show and feel a lot of emotions. I have slowly become more and more open to my therapist about everything and he knows how I struggle with talking about feelings. It's just I'm working at I guess. Take care of yourself!

 

[DiamondBug]

Might writing it down for him to read help?

Thanks for your reply, I have thought about doing that, once I had a bad experience doing that with a therapist, but I think it's because he didn't have experience or training in what I needed to talk about. so maybe I could try it again. Take care of yourself!