I know just how you feel nomedic1. My marriage is in a terrible state, and I'm just so tired of it all. I'm starting to admit to myself that it's just never going to work. I blame myself all the time for my terrible behavior because of PTSD (yelling, saying mean things, flying off the handle when triggered, isolating myself, being inconsolable). I feel like I can't be loved, like no one should love me. At the same time, I'm so angry because my husband is never there for me. If I confront him about it, he says that he washes the dishes and does the laundry and everything when I can't get out of bed, and then he gets all mad at me for not appreciating all he does. But I do appreciate those things and tell him often. Does that mean I can't be mad at the fact he won't let me talk about my traumas (he says he doesn't like to see me upset and changes the subject, and has done that for 16 years), he won't sit with me when I'm upset, and he continuously triggers me, even though I've told him in great detail what triggers me and how to avoid it and I've done that again and again and again. I can't remember one good thing we've done together or one nice thing (besides chores and taking care of the kids) he's done for me in years. I ask him for help, and he says he's going to help me but never does. I'm just so done.
I'm happy to talk with you nomedic1. I'm so sorry you're going through so much. I do understand.