Feeling Like Two Different People

[Grace511]

I have been feeling like two different people the past couple of weeks. On the one hand I am extremely sensitive and crying all the time. I had an emotional breakdown at work last Friday and cried in front of everyone like a baby. On the other hand I am extremely angry and screaming inside my own head. I want to throw things I am so angry.

I feel like I am losing control of myself and I feel I honestly need to be hospitalized. I self-injured last week and constantly have thoughts about doing it again. I also have suicidal thoughts

 

[arfie]

Hi Grace. I have felt a duality that I could describe exactly like this. In recent years I have been treating it like two sides of a single coin. When my anger cauldron begins to boil, I begin working so hard to control it that it keeps leaking out as tears and over-sensitivity at the most inconvenient moments. Addressing the anger head on seems to be my most effective management for it. Methinks my problem is in that boiling cauldron more than the condensation on the walls and ceiling. Methinks. Meknows the mystery is still quite deep. Don't know if I will ever really understand it... Still wishing I could JUST wish it away...

Hope you find what it is for you.

 

[vampire girl]

I'm kinda the same way but instead of being sad enough to cry my emotions change quickly like one minute I'm happy then the next I'm trying to beat this girl when she was looking at me like she was disgusted people say I am bipolar.

 

[Justpassintime]

I just say, oh look my brain went on a field trip without me. I don't know that this is "healthy" but I don't see that as me. When I feel suicidal I feel lkie my brain is screaming do it over and over, but it's not ME, that's not who I am that is something that happens to me like a heart attack or low blood sugar attack. As far as the mood swings, they suck. I have only recently become homicidal (no joke) instead of suicidal, and I've only put my toe in that water. Just keep trying stuff and find what works for you. Hugs.

 

[mamachick]

I just said the same thing to someone yesterday. I have been off of my medication for about 3 weeks. There is this predominant me, that is responsible and caring, that feels hurt but does not put that on others, that tries to stay positive even when things are not going well. That is reasonable when talking to others. Then...w/o medication, this witch comes out....someone is the target.....they have always caused a lot of hurt, not just a little, it is directed at them and I will say whatever comes to mind and as mean and spiteful as can be. It is as though I have hit my limit with these family members and their desire to look like the great american family while they are really abusive bastards.... I am definately not DID. It feels like something is brewing in my brain and about to explode. I have not felt the need for violence though. Yet. Last night I wished that my husband would get raped. How sick is that. I was raped at his hospital and he would not get me help and told me to shut up, it could cause him to loose his job. It was 24 yrs ago but I have only been having nightmares about it again for a couple of years. Talking to a rape counselor helped me to discover that it is likely because he and my 25 yr old daughter are emotionally abusive to me. They do things such as stopping pmt on a check and swear they didnt, then watch me try to fix things that I cant. All the while laughing at me. I need meds to live in the world.

 

[Jenfa]

@vampire girl - I know that look! lol I do the same thing. I'm all like "Wut YOU lookin' at?!" when in reality, she's looking at someone taller than me that's standing behind me. That's really the one thing that makes me a bipolar roller. If someone talks down to me, it triggers the ptsd in which triggers the bipolar to go up and down. I'm pretty sure I could punch someone in the face, and then babytalk to my cat 5 seconds later.

 

[Proverbs3:5-6]

Hi. I 'was' exactly that and it is creeping up again. First, I must assure you that you are not crazy. You have PTSD induced symptoms that mimic bipolar. It is wonderful that you are aware of this.

So, I can only tell you my story. I had the same feeling like I had no clue who I was. I was extrovert but introvert, I was caring and hating at the same time...so on. This was my journey:

I was put on Lamictal (anti seizure) to stop excess firing of my brain. It helped with the moods of elated to despair that flipped on an instant when triggered. Then, my RAGE and Panic showed its ugly head that I had been hiding with moods.

I have been put on Zyprexa (usually for psychosis but found to work on severe ptsd). This pill has been my god send. It makes me calm. It makes me sleep! It makes me not remember nightmares so I get quality sleep. It helped with paranoid delusions. It gave me patients with my son!!!

Now how did I get to this med combo? Med trialed SSRI amd SNRI and they made symptoms worse. Was put on Lamictal ans saw improvement until the anxiety got so bad I had homicidal ideation. So.....I admitted myself into a ptsd psych hospital. Best thing ever! I was monitored via video (felt like big brother! Haha) by a psychiatrist and he has dealt with this and put me on right combo.

Hope my journey can help yours.

 

[Proverbs3:5-6]

To add....I my meds up'd!