Feeling Lost

[valancy-rae]

Hello. I don't know what more to say right now than that my fiance has Complex PTSD and it's really hard. We have postponed our wedding at my request. He went off his medication for two months and has only been back on it for two weeks. He is not in therapy. I don't know where to turn. He has promised that he won't go off the medication again without supervision and until a doctor says he can, but he went off it once before and now I don't know what to believe. He doesn't think he needs therapy anymore either. He thinks I am making a mountain out of molehill, but when he was off his medication, I was living with a completely different person and I am scared. His anger scares me and it's still there when he is taking his medication.

I don't know what to do. He wants me to set a new date for the wedding, but I am not ready. He thinks that means I want to end things. I don't, but I need time to think and to understand what he is going through better. I feel guilty for being scared and unsure.

 

[a3a2]

You have valid concerns. Ptsd is challenging to live with, and you have the right to know what you are getting yourself into. Take your time. The forum is a good place to come for information and support. Maybe even look into therapy for yourself just so you can have an objective person to whom you can voice your concerns.

 

[amethist]

Hi Valancy-rae

Welcome to the forum.

Please do not feel guilty about being scared or any other feelings you have right now, as this is a scary illness for both carer and sufferer. For now try and read as much information in both sufferer and carer sections, this will help you decide what is your next best thing to do.

If your gut feeling is to wait before setting a date, then by all means do that.

I am a carer but I am busy tonight, I will write more for you tomorrow and over the weekend, but others will help and support you too.

Good luck and take care.

Amethist

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

Welcome to the forum. I would say it's perfectly normal to be scared. I scare myself! Your bf really needs to seek help, this would be a great step forward for both of you. I hope you find what you are looking for in the forum, there a lots of fantastic caring carers here that I am sure can relate to how you are feeling. As a sufferer, all I can say is hang in there. The anger may be directed at you, but it's not meant for you, and you should not feel guilt at all.

Take care, I hope you have support in your family and friends.
Clydiechick

 

[Pixie]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you are so scared right now but you have honestly come to the right place with plenty of support.

I am glad that you know this before you get married and honestly I think it is a wise thing to take this into consideration before setting the date . I have CPTSD but I know that there are others here like Amethist who will be better able to guide you and help you through this process.

But I'm glad that you are here and reaching out.

Rell

 

[valancy-rae]

Thank you for all of the replies and kind words. I have an appointment of my own with a counsellor coming up and will see what next steps they might suggest and I will also be reading as much as I can.

 

[valancy-rae]

My fiance mentioned something to me about secondary PTSD. I'm not sure I have that term right, but does anyone know anything about that? It surprised and scared me when he brought it up.

I've been struggling a lot since I postponed the wedding and things have been very up and down with us. One day he'll say he needs help, but the next day (or even sometimes later the first day), he'll say he's fine, doesn't need any help, and I should just 'get over' everything. Last night he made a bunch of promises about getting therapy, etc, but I've heard every single one of them multiple times and have seen them broken over and over again and now I don't know how to believe him. I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed again. It hurts too much.

My stress level is through the roof and I found out from a doctor today that I have shingles as a result of the stress. I really don't know what to do right now and it's putting a huge strain on our relationship. I am trying to finish my Master's degree and find work on top of everything else, so there's kind of a lot going on. I don't want to be unfair to him, but I really don't have a clue how to handle this.

 

[amethist]

Hi valancy- rae

I am sorry to hear you have shingles, from remembering when my mum had it years ago I know it can be very debilitating if it is not treated properly and you do not take good care of yourself.

If what I say next upsets you, then I do apologise in advance as this is not my intention, just honest talking, from one carer to another.

This illness must be one of the worst ones to be a carer of, because it can affect the carer so badly if you do not set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. I know this is easier said than done from what I have learnt over the past 2 1/2 years, but you can do it and they do work if your sufferer understands you mean them and is willing to put the work in to help themselves too.

Unfortunately until you sufferer begins to do everything possible to help themselves, including taking medication if needed, going to therapy and doing what the therapist advises, then you are fighting a loosing battle.

Ask yourself a question, if you took all the ptsd issues out of the equation, would you tolerate any of the way he is acting. My guess is probably not so try if at all possible to not do it now, he cannot use ptsd as an excuse to treat you badly or make promises he cannot keep. No one should live in fear for whatever reason, so being in a relationship with someone who has ptsd is no different.

Please do not feel guilty about any thoughts you have of feeling scared or unsure about any of this. If you feel like this now, then please do not set a date for your wedding until you have at least seen him taking his medication and is well into therapy, and even then take your time.

You are not being unfair to him by doing any of the above, more being fair and careful of your own future. Read as much as possible throughout this forum about how others have got through this, some you will find have not, as it is has been too much to cope with if there sufferer refused to use the help available.

This may be one of those times when you will have to put your own needs first, look to the future and think about if you could carry on for years as it is now with no improvement. Also could you keep going if you eventually had children, I for one would be very afraid of having children if I were in your situation now.

I hope you can both find the help and support you need, and that you sufferer take the help and advice offered, before it's too late.

Take care of YOU before anything and everything else, please stand back and look at everything very carefully before you decide which way to go now.

Good luck and take care.

Amethist

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

I would stop putting pressure on yourself to make a decision right now, don't let him pressure you. There is no rush. If he pushes you, let him know he will push you away.

You do need to take care of YOU. You have your own things going on. Try (as hard as it is) to take one day at a time to get your life in order.

You don't have to make a decision today, or tomorrow or the next.... Your priority should be your health.

Please take care of you
Clydiechick