Feeling, Not Thinking.

[jaccat]

This has probably been asked before but I'd be interested to know how those of you struggle with 'feeling' things connect to your emotions.

I'm having real trouble connecting to my feelings. Even on a day to day basis it takes real effort to figure out if I'm feeling good or bad or angry or whatever. I've done some work on this with my therapist who tells me to break it down in to the 4 main feelings: fear, anger, sadness and joy, and just to try and put myself in one or more of those boxes, but I am finding even doing that a struggle. It's like feeling my way through a swamp in fog. My last therapy session was a hard one for me and at the end of the session she asked me what I was feeling and I didn't have a clue. I tried really hard but there was nothing there. So my therapist asked me to choose a word: safe or unsafe, and even that what a struggle. In the end I said unsafe, but it was like picking the word at random just to say something!

I know the feelings are going on inside me somewhere, and that the reason they are so buried is because it was one of my earliest defence mechanisms against my dangerous family environment. I know that by burying the bad ones I buried the good ones too and I really want to get them back.

So many things have happened to me over the last few years I feel like I'm running in front of a tidal wave of emotions that are going to hit me sometime, and that's not even considering the things that happened in my past that made me this way.

Last year I lost one of my cats, suddenly to aggressive leukaemia. I nearly lost my house due to paying the care fees for my father, who ended up in a home after I really couldn't cope any more. Those last few years I'm not sure I shall ever come to terms with. He died just weeks before the review that would have taken my house from me. The day I was told he was dying was the day I was told I was getting a promotion. The day he died was the day my new job started. He died at 7.30 am but I still got into work for 9. I didn't cry then. I haven't cried since. My mind just slips around those last few weeks of his life instead. I went from having nothing to inheriting all his estate. It's not massive but as long as I'm not stupid I'm secure for life.

I don't know why I'm writing this except to say that I think by rights I should be lying on the floor screaming by now, instead of which I'm still working, still behaving as if it all happened to someone else a long time ago, perhaps in a book somewhere.

Actually if it was in a book I'd probably feel something.

 

[intothelight]

The feeling that it "didn't happen to me" , I believe is associated with depersonalization. I am no expert, but it is a fairly common response when there is trauma or extremely stressful event and it is the mind/body way of letting the person get through the trauma/event at that time. However, I think when people are exposed to multiple traumas we can kind of get stuck in that mode for lack of a better term.

I think fear of the repressed emotion makes it a safe place to operate from, but it is also a huge loss at the same time because no one likes living like a Vulcan for lack of a better analogy. When emotion is disconnected for such a long period of time it is pretty common not to even recognize the emotion or what a person is feeling. Personally, I got stuck in two of the four major ones (fear and anger) and it is taking a long time to reconnect with the other two, let alone refine what I am feeling (for example disappointment rather than sadness).

I found DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) helpful in providing a guideline for reconnecting the rational with the emotional, although I am definitely more comfortable when I operate from a rational side. It just doesn't make life or relationships as rich as they could be.

 

[Chava]

I have a REALLY hard time identifying or allowing myself to feel fear, sadness, or anger. They sound simple but they are not. Good to identify, yes, but I can relate to not feeling them. Can you start with writing down any idea of what you ARE feeling? Example, if asked, I might often be able to identify "numb", "invisible", or "apathetic/indifferent"....these are well-worn feelings that mask fear, anger, and sadness. If I can identify the numbness or apathy I sort of at least know I am being protective...and can maybe acknowledge a bit of the underlying stuff...like recognizing I feel numb, but probably really sad...just not able to cope with the sad right now, so not totally feeling it but allowing myself to know it's there a bit...then waiting to see my therapist to talk about it. I don't handle anger very well...even if I have legitimate reasons to be angry at someone else, I cannot feel anger for very long without wanting to destroy myself. I need to learn how to feel angry, but in manageable bits that I also know how to get out of safely on my own (fear is like that for me too).

Not sure if this helps. But I do relate. I wish you luck. I'm trying to unbury my feelings of joy too...being able to have those good feelings seems to help manage the difficult ones better...it is overwhelming when it feels like they are all trapped in safe-keeping.

 

[Seasounds]

how those of you struggle with 'feeling' things connect to your emotions

With your interest, I'm sure 'feeling' will happen, it may just take some further exploration and steps. One way to look at it, is that you are probably having feelings, you just aren't aware of them.The door 'in' to experiencing and expressing feelings, and, secondly, being able to experience and express feelings, in the company of another, is always individual.

Actually if it was in a book I'd probably feel something.

You've already identified one activity that connects you to your feelings. Build upon your existing success. Here are some steps that, over time, helped me. Every one shifts at their own rate. I was a pretty frozen cookie.

• I took the 'performance pressure' off of myself. 'End gaining'-pressuring a nervous system to produce a certain result, is often counter-productive. Instead, being in a gentle, patient process, with myself, yielded better results.
• First, everyday, several times a day, I'd, randomly, give myself permission to be aware of my feelings. In the morning, I'd even go to the mirror, and gently stroke my face, when I said this. It helped the message/permission go in deeper.
• I'd notice when I was generating feelings during the day; like when I was laughing, grumpy, and sad.
• I'd do activities, like read books or watch movies, that took me into feelings.
• I had a few sessions with a therapist who did a form of relaxation sessions with me. She called them hypnotherapy, but it was identical to relaxation techniques. It really helped, 'break the ice'. It was dramatically helpful to have someone else to do the guiding of relaxation; I could focus on relaxing.
• My therapist stopped asking me about feelings, because it wasn't helpful. I just told her, I'd let her know, when I did.
• I did Mindfulness exercises, where I would spend 20-30 min a day, relating to sensations in my body. (Sensations give rise to feelings) In Mindfulness, the practice is more of observing emotions, feeling sensations. This helps, because then, in therapy, one we can express feelings.
• I would listen to music, watch movies, listen to other people's conversations, and notice my sensory experience of them.
• Getting massages, help me relax, which helped me experience feeling.
• There are steps, from going a sensation to an emotions. I was able to notice, at the beginning, when I felt tense, since muscles would hurt. Then, to create the link between sensation and emotion/feeling, I'd explore them and I would ask myself, "Do I feel tired?", "Did I do something to hurt myself?", "Do I feel angry about something someone said?", "Do I want to do something different?" I would notice which feeling seemed to resonate with my physical sensation. And then I would be able to say, "I'm feeling uncomfortable, (or upset, etc.)." Yes, it was often a guess, at first, but that is how the process started for me.
• At first, and sometimes still, there is a time delay, days to minutes, when I will experience a discomfort and be able to relate it to a feeling. But this is progress, from not registering feelings at all.
• Additionally, cultivating peaceful relationships and decreasing judgments of yourself and others, helps it to be safe enough, to be yourself, to feel.

Hope this gave you ideas. Good luck!

 

[arfie]

I believe my own difficulty with attaching emotions to the actual source was developed during the effort to, "Forgive and Forget." More specifically, the "Forget" part. I have found great healing in the "Forgive" part of that cliche, but in reality, I have yet to be able forgive a thing I was working to forget. Instead of forgetting, I end up projecting the emotions at thoroughly inappropriate targets. The more innocent, the better... The guilty are entirely too good at defending themselves to make easy targets... End result, unlearning that survival skill was no easy feat. It still requires a conscious effort for me to attach the emotion to the related event. A beloved pet died? Here I go, making myself too busy attacking this season's fashion parade (or whatever) to feel the loss.

So it seems for me... Gentle support while you figure out what it is for your own unique dynamics.

 

[jaccat]

I love the analogy of living like a Vulcan @intothelight.

@Saetva there's some great advice in there. Thank you.

@arfie I have never tried to forgive, but have done a fair amount of forgetting. I too feel driven to do anything but focus on what's actually happening. The day my dad died I got sent home from work when they found out what happened, so I spent the morning giving my car a really thorough deep clean. I don't clean my car from one year to the next. Usually it has lichen growing on it!

I have just begun to try mindfulness as a way to relax. It is hard for me because I am beginning to realise how incredibly tense I am all the time, and my mind seems to want to do anything but focus on the here and now. The one time I felt like I was getting somewhere, it seemed like I was beginning to fall asleep. But I will persevere.

I'm also receiving massages to help with my back problems (caused by my inability to relax), as well as seeing a chiropracter. It's helping, although I'm not hugely comfortable being in a room alone with someone I don't know, in such a personal way. Also, it seems I'm not even aware when I'm so tense.

My therapist is helping me, I think. She's more aware of what I'm feeling than I am. She is the one who suggested trying the mindfulness exercise.

Right now it does seem like when I'm asked what I'm feeling I'm going through a process of thinking: 'what am I supposed to be feeling right now? If I were like other people?' There are times when I can say I'm feeling okay, or (when I'm triggered) really not. And I do use books, and films, and music to connect to things. It's something like scratching an itch.

My friend rang me the other day. During the conversation I pretended to be really excited about something, in a sarcastic way. There was a moment of silence then she said: "Do that again. You're never like that!"

I'm thinking of starting a journal on this site. I do a lot of writing. I have a few journals, including one I keep to write up my therapy sessions. It's my way of processing them. But I don't keep a day to day diary and I think having one just to log my experiences might help. Having it on this site might prevent me giving it up after two days.

 

[Seasounds]

I forgot to mention, a few things:

• It probably goes without saying, but cutting down on things that interfere or distract human physiology from being aware of feelings, (like caffeine, cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, etc.) helps.
• As you increase your experience of feelings, It may be helpful to have a toolbox, to help you shift, not shut feeling down, from feeling states to an 'in the world', more task oriented mentality. This is where exercise, writing about your feelings, puzzles, spending time with friends, and doing every day tasks can help you.
• From there, you have the ability to go in and out of 'deep' feeling states, and then transition into present time, and where you can use your logical mind.

 

[Friday]

I'm not a fan of feelings at present... Life is much simpler without them.

That said... One can try the opposite, as well. If my emotions are turned on, I usually have layered and often contradictory feelings. If I tried to parse them into those 4? Yep. Got those. Yep. All 4. Yep. Right now. Pick one? Nope. Doesn't work that way. It's a fluid 3D scale, not a binary switch of this or that.

When I'm doing well, it's not so big a deal. I might feel a dozen things with a splash of X. Emotional cocktails. Each one unique. Different flavor profiles. All combining for the blended whole.

When I'm doing badly? Ugh. Too much to process. Can't do it... Easily. And simplifying just makes it worse. Because simplifying it is wrong. I know despair. And this may be part despair, but it's also part determination, part curiosity, part new love, part self loathing, part rueful, part ready laughter, part loneliness, part exhaustion, part grief, part rage, part hope, part... If I kept the list going! it would eventually round out into one of my flavors of self hatred. I have 6 or 7 different emotionl cocktails that equal self hatred. This particular one has its roots in guilt/shame/love.

But wait... Order now....

On top of the emotional cocktails of what my base feelings are... Certain people clarify things for me. They cut right through the mess. Ahhhhh. OMFG. I can breathe! Meanwhile, other people muddy things up like crazy. Head in a blender. Chaseus.

 

[Ronin]

I'm not a fan of feelings at present... Life is much simpler without them.

On top of the emotional cocktails of what my base feelings are... Certain people clarify things for me. They cut right through the mess. Ahhhhh. OMFG. I can breathe! Meanwhile, other people muddy things up like crazy. Head in a blender. Chaseus.

Possibly OT. Heck, most definitely OT.
Mad love for phrasing it. That description basically says how I pick people I call - anything important, friends, teachers, partners, super-close-dears-words don't quite explain. We don't have to dance to similar melody in anything else for life. They can be enemies at times and not-quite-friends, yet they're pure water in a mud land and a reason to go on for a few more months. It's probably better if we're compatible in more ways as well, but this is feelings wise so much common ground I *need* for everything else to fall into place.