Feeling Really Down And Hopeless

[Kupo_Nut]

I was feeling really scared and panicky this afternoon when my mum came to get me from the bus stop and when she discovered me panicking she got really angry and started going on about how 'positive thinking' would stop me being like that and that my whole life would change for the better if I stopped myself from panicking and started thinking positively.
She just doesn't understand, no matter how much I tell her there is no magic switch to make my mind better, she thinks that there is. I really don't know what to do because if she doesn't understand/help me I fear I may get very depressed, especially if she continues getting angry at me for panicking.
Yesterday I felt like I wouldn't have a life or future and today the feeling is much stronger, I honestly don't know how to get her to understand since I've shown her websites and articles etc. about PTSD but she seems to be denying it, if anyone could help, I would be very thankful.

 

[Kintsugi]

There are probably better resources out there for this, but maybe you could point her to Link Removed.

 

[Kupo_Nut]

@Simply Simon Thank you, I tried telling her and showing her, I thought she'd see but she's still telling me that it is my problem and that I should get over it.

I have honestly never felt worse because before I thought she understood, but telling me to get over it over and over again today has made me feel completely lost, hopeless and somewhat suicidal because she kept telling me how much she's done for me to make me feel like a complete burden. I haven't stopped crying since I got home and it's just got worse, I have lost all hope of recovering, I'm sorry.

 

[digger]

Hi @Kupo_Nut - do you mind me asking what age you are? I'm guessing that you're relying on your mum this way because you need to, but i don't want to make assumptions.
Are you in therapy? If you are, would it be possible for your therapist to help you to educate her a bit more about PTSD?

 

[Kupo_Nut]

@digger I'm 19 but I have bad agoraphobia that only seems to get worse the more I push myself. I am in therapy but my therapist hasn't talked to her about it, it was only very recently that it was diagnosed. I think that she's trying not to see it and she's still convincing herself that I can just 'get over it'. I don't think she understands the effect that saying those things has had on me in my already bad and depressed self.

 

[Anarchy]

Parents and not understanding,

It is a surreal experience that I'm probably as old or older than your parents, but I'm in a somewhat simillar situation of family wondering what the hell is going on with me.

I've only told my mother that I have PTSD (she's in her mid 70s now, she had me in the middle of the 1960s...) and she really isn't going to understand much, nor is she going to put the effort in, except to fuss, and to persistently keep trying to phone me at times when I'm likely to be driving in heavy traffic.

I haven't bothered to tell my father, because he really will not understand.

I think at least part of people not understanding, is them protecting themselves from things that if they did think about them, would mess them up.

When I told my mother, her response was "just don't think about it..."

It isn't possible to NOT think about something, as the action of NOT thinking about something, requires you to think about it.

As an example, for the next five minutes, you must not think of a purple elephant, whatever you do you musn't think about that purple elephant, and it would be especially bad (and totally unforgivable) if it was a fat purple elephant, and even worse if it had hairy ears as well. how many seconds have passed so far? and I trust that you haven't yet had a single thought about...

If it is any consolation, the picture I get straight away, is of a really fat, purple, cartoon elephant with 5 long straight bristles coming out of each of its ears, and a stupid cross eyed expression on its face.

What is possible to learn, is sufficeint "mindfulness" to recognize and acknowledge thoughts and feelings, and to let them pass through us without them hurting us. Someone else's anger is not pleasant to be near, but, unless they actually hit you, it isn't their anger, but our cognition of their anger which hurts us. we can teach ourselves not to be hurt by that anger and lack of acceptance.

Listening to a few 15 or 20 minute sessions of this should get you started, ignore what it says about depression, it has much wider usefulness than just depression. The book depository has the dead tree book and the CD of guided meditations for about £12 last time I looked. hope this is helpful to you.
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=mindful+way+through+depression,+audio+book&t=ffab&ia=videos

 

[digger]

How would you feel about your therapist talking to her? Either with you there or separately? Might that be an option? At any rate I think it would be good to bring this up with your therapist as he/she might have some suggestions or resources that could be helpful for you to share with your mum. How about writing a letter for your mum explaining how hearing those things makes you feel. Sometimes that can have more impact than just saying it if you feel you aren't being heard.
Is this a normal type of response and way of dealing with things from her? You could well be on to something with her not wanting to see it - she may not be ready to accept how big this is, but if you live with her, she does need to understand that what she is doing is causing more harm than helping right now.

 

[Kupo_Nut]

@digger Yes I think that the more my therapist speaks to her the better, when a similar situation happened before a talk with my therapist was all she needed to stop getting angry with me (temporarily anyway). This was before my diagnosis and I thought that after explaining all that intricately, she would understand and I thought she did for ages until today. I think it's also the shock of having her react that way after she knows that I can't help it. She also hinted at taking me out of therapy even though it's my lifeline, she thinks that if I think positively than it will go away and also that I don't want to get over it.
Why wouldn't I WANT to 'get over it'? I can want all I want, but I can't get out of it. I feel so trapped in this right now and if my mother doesn't get that and thinks that I'm being difficult for the sake of it then I don't have anywhere else to turn, I have anxiety and stress already and I don't have anywhere to run to, if she forces me to fend for myself then I would have to quit college because I couldn't get there without her.

 

[digger]

Yes I think that the more my therapist speaks to her the better, when a similar situation happened before a talk with my therapist was all she needed to stop getting angry with me (temporarily anyway).

That's promising then. Sounds like she needs a 'top up' from your therapist. And a reminder maybe of why it's so important for you to continue with therapy. When do you next see your T?

 

[Kupo_Nut]

@digger I've had a chat to my therapist and she's told me that she'll talk to my mum the next day she can and arrange another meeting, she seemed to echo your message. I am really hoping that my mum'll be more understanding even though she may not understand.

 

[Chava]

I don't know your mom so I can't make any real suggestions. But I know my mom, try as she might sometimes, does not "get" what I go through. And when I was younger and lived with her, it was terrible because she personally can't manage difficult feelings...she just wants them gone. What might be worse in this scenario is that she was pretty badly abused and never acknowledged it (actually said it was no big deal...she just doesn't remember most of her childhood, blows up at people in blind rage, and has serious gifts of invalidating every feeling, even the good ones...you just have to function highly and not feel stuff like depression, pain, whatever). Major denier. She also got very angry at me for my self-destructive behavior, told me to "snap out of it" a lot...just made me feel like a worse piece of shit. She was afraid, angry, and simply not in a good position to be a helpful support.

Sometimes it's like that with parents (like their job is so focused on fixing us, vs just listening or "being there")...why I've found support elsewhere from people who don't have to feel so tangled up in their own emotions or fear or desire to make me all better. To try to have some compassion for my pain would mean coming from the same internal point of possibly having some for herself, and she can't. So I don't share much with her, but let her understand very small bits if she happens to ask (never happens actually).

Basically, it is difficult stuff to understand and empathize for...takes a lot of unhappy perspective-taking and emotional strength. For those who haven't had similar experiences and/or feelings, it is hard to relate. But also, for many who have had similar feelings but shut them out, it is probably even harder because getting them to "understand" means expecting them to totally change and overhaul their own relationship to themselves.

If your mom wants to learn more, that's awesome. Also, let her know what does help or doesn't...if it feels okay to do that (like I did tell my mom I didn't want to change the subject or think positive when overwhelmed and wanting to just be heard...so we just hung up the phone since it wasn't good, but I called her another day after getting support from someone else). It might take your mom some time to understand, and maybe she is trying to be helpful but doesn't yet understand that it's not helpful. In the meantime, be sure to stay open to other options for support and understanding. I know it's hard and the hopeless feelings can be the worst. Hang in there!!

 

[Kupo_Nut]

@Chava Thanks for the support, I talked to her again this morning and she went on the same lines, saying that I should just get over it. I ended up screaming at her, because I was so scared. I honestly felt like killing myself because if she didn't understand then I felt like no one would as I don't have anywhere else to go. But after I screamed at her about killing myself and running outside (I couldn't think straight) I walked back in and she seemed to concede a bit. She said that she didn't understand and that she didn't want me to turn into my aunt (my paternal aunt who has suffered with OCD and anxiety for years). She's scared that I'll have this for the rest of my life and so am I, because I can't imagine not having it since I was so young when I got traumatised.
I've printed off helpful information about anxiety and I really hope she's going to read it and get rid of her preconceptions (no amount of positive thinking is going to make me less anxious).