Feeling Really Down And Hopeless

[lexana]

First of all I want to commend you for your enormous strength. Having PTSD while dealing with a parent like your mother is essentially a burden so heavy, it is beyond words. I am so glad you also seem to have a good therapist. There is a suggestion I want to put out there, just something to think about ---- from reading your posts, I get the feeling your mom is beyond simply "not understanding"... she is crossing into the lines of abuse. It can be extremely subtle, or not, but sometimes it's very hard for a person to realize they are being very abused, especially when you have PTSD and depression which can create such profound "fog" sometimes self-blaming. Her behavior is making your PTSD and depression worse. I would suggest that you and your therapist focus heavily on whatever it takes to get you a to point where you can become more independent and get away from your mother. If your mother actually attends some sessions with your therapist and begins to truly change, that would be one thing -- but so far she's made it crystal clear that all she wants to do is deny the truth and keep shaming (abusing) you for something that is not your fault and is not in your control. You are not able to feel safe with her, and that in and of itself is highly antagonistic to the whole concept of "recovery." In order to recover, you need to feel safe. You deserve so much better and are worth so much more... you deserve to get away from anyone who triggers suicidal thoughts/tendencies, shame, fear, anxiety, etc. Think about how cruel YOU would have to be to treat someone the way your mother is treating you. Our society makes a lot of excuses and minimizes the magnitude of abuse that goes on in families... but you have a choice, and clearly you are very smart and very mature, so you know that those excuses don't do anyone any good for long. Your life is literally on the line. Your recovery is top priority. And for those reasons, I hope you consider coming up with a plan/strategies, along with your therapist, to get away from your mother's influence.

 

[Kupo_Nut]

@lexana I know she is not wanting to see my illness and I understand what you're saying. I do need a supportive environment and when I told her that she just said she had been, she needs to understand that I need more and that my recovery depends on that.
My mother and I have always had a very strong relationship, however, and I feel that she may blame herself or think that I'm blaming her, which is far from true. She has done a lot for me but I need to feel like I'm not a burden because of that, because without her help I wouldn't have got anywhere but that shouldn't make me a bad person. I have two illnesses that won't go away and she only sees the first (my diabetes) and refuses to see the second (my PTSD), the second a direct result of the first. I'm not defending her for what she said but she's never been purposefully mean/spiteful towards me, she's just got a view on the situation that she doesn't want to change, because I can see that facing the truth is very difficult for her, she wants her daughter (me) to be happy and normal and I'm not, so she gets frustrated because she's tried her hardest to give me the best chances and I'm not doing as well as she'd hoped.
Understanding what I've got would be best for her and myself, she's already grieved for my loss of childhood (seeing me worry all the time) and now she has to see me loosing my adulthood to this illness.
All I want is for her to be sympathetic and not to judge me for having a panic attack, when she does it only cuts deeper into the wound because I love her, and I feel like I lost her yesterday.