Feeling The Bad Feelings: How?

[amosmorris]

I have been in therapy now for about 18 months, working with a therapist who is really wonderful. Even still it has been such a hard road--trusting her, accepting our relationship, accepting her care, the attachment pain, just hard. My trauma is predominantly childhood/interpersonal and involves years of covert sexual trauma related to a sexually addictive/compulsive father, voyeurism, over-exposure--and the ensuing dynamics between my parents, which I experienced as abusive (of my mother), plus some other emotional/verbal/intrusive/boundary stuff. I've struggled mightily to accept the impact of all this on me and I'm working hard to come to terms with what I see as my weakness, over-sensitivity, and so on. My therapist has told me I have PTSD. These forums have been so helpful already.

I've had what I'd call brief "brushes" with what are the worst feelings related to my experiences--these are feelings of deep repulsion related to being watched/looked at sexually and also awful repulsion/rejection of myself--a feeling like I'm repulsed by myself, like I don't want to get anywhere near some awful part of me that's buried down there. But what I've found is that I typically can't go there, even in therapy, can't access those feelings even though I know they are in there. Instead I get feelings of panic--racing heart, my breathing tight in my throat. I've recently gotten to the point where I think I want to feel these worst, buried feelings during a session--and this scares me like crazy. But I think I'm tired of all the anxiety and the feeling guilty for all the anxiety...and maybe I just want to better understand what it is I'm so afraid of? That maybe if I can stay with these awful feelings for more than a second I can get to some other, better side of things?
Does this make sense to others? Do you struggle similarly and/or how have you addressed this issue if so? Thanks in advance.

 

[Naoru]

I think it's great you're even trying to understand and attempt to sit with the awful feelings at all. It's a difficult thing to do and not something you can rush.

I run from feelings of any kind and at any cost, but I've been steady working on facing reality and pushing forward to heal - do what I have to do and accept where I am each day (including acceptance of when I'm not ready to face certain feelings). I think learning to trust myself has also been key in my progress.

Most of my fears are irrational: ya know, if I feel this terrible, the world will end, I will die, I will become so overwhelmed I will be beyond reach, the feelings will overcome me and I'll hurt someone, etc.

Then I have my other fears: if I allow this pain, it means I'm weak and imperfect, I have failed, people will judge me, it will validate that it was all real and happened, my role in my family and friendships will change, etc.

Have you tried to sort through your fears with your therapist? Do you feel safe with her - enough to attempt riding the waves of these emotions, even if only for short periods of time? Does your therapist work with you when you feel this panic and help ground you? How are your coping skills?

This may not have been of any help, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. It takes time, a lot of effort, and patience, but even acknowledgement is a step. :)

 

[amosmorris]

Thank you so very much @Naoru. This was very helpful, really. I am starting to try to articulate what it is I'm so afraid of with my therapist--she asked me a question the other day along the lines of "what do you think will happen if...?" and that got the conversation started. I think some of it has to do with my relationship to her, and my worries about how she will handle my getting truly overwhelmed. And then I think the other piece has to do more directly with the feeling themselves, how they might overwhelm me, how afraid I am that I won't ultimately be able to dig my way out/they could stay with me, and so on....

I am trying, and I suppose I do feel hopeful since I think going deeper into this bad stuff is something I seem driven towards. I must think it has another side I get to come to, right?

Anyway--thank you for your response. This stuff is pretty new.

 

[Rumors]

I have been in therapy now for about 18 months, working with a therapist who is really wonderful. Ev...

I could have written every word of this... In the same place for the most part

 

[Naoru]

some of it has to do with my relationship to her, and my worries about how she will handle my getting truly overwhelmed.

From what you've said previously about your therapist, it sounds as if she's patient and you've really been building some great groundwork. It is definitely a hard road learning to trust and accept the therapeutic relationship, even without diving into the trauma fun-filled stuff.

How has she responded to you in the past when dealing with any emotions or just simple support? What does it mean to you to be "truly overwhelmed?" As in, what are you picturing? Often, what we picture and what may happen are two worlds apart... or have you had this experience before and have a clear, realistic image of what this means for you? Have you discussed legal reporting requirements with her (if you are worried about suicidal/self-harm fears)? Worst case scenario, you are "truly overwhelmed" and how does she respond? And best case scenario?

My advice is to face some of these questions (and whatever else you may think of), break it down, determine what is realistic and not, and talk to your therapist about it.

I like to go in prepared and fire away to get some clear-cut answers. If it's something ridiculous, you can laugh about it (like "if I shed a tear, will the world end?" - hey, I seriously asked this lol). If it's serious, you can have your fears addressed head-on (like "if I face this, what happens if I become suicidal?" - I asked this one very early on).

I must think it has another side I get to come to, right?

Yep! You sound hopeful to me. Keep your eyes on the prize. :) It will be a hard process, as you already know, but you seem driven... I think you'll make it. :)

 

[amosmorris]

I could have written every word of this... In the same place for the most part

That means more to me than I can say, @Rumors--thank you for letting me know.

 

[amosmorris]

From what you've said previously about your therapist, it sounds as if she's patient and you've really be...

This is so helpful, @Naoru--thank you. I'll try to wrestle with these questions some. I am definitely deeply struggling but I do think I have a good therapist. Your question about what it means to me to be "truly overwhelmed"--actually, I think I do understand your "world ending" sentiment. Some of it for me might be more about the unknown--and this idea that unknown=no control=world ending to me...that "everything is falling apart" panic mentality is a def struggle, and I get it...
Most of the time in the other arenas in my life (esp the professional) I just don't have to go there, because I function in a different way--kind of like you know I have a persona that allows me to be competent and just in control of my reaction to things...and so all the pain that therapy has brought in to me is so so so foreign, if that makes sense.

 

[NightSky]

I'm struggling with this, too. I've been with my therapist for 15 months and also really like her and think she's very good. Just last night she was telling me I have never grieved, and it has to happen. We've talked quite a lot about the fears I have but I have never seemed to get to the bottom of what I think will happen if I allow those feelings. I'm finally starting to figure some of them out. I could've written your last paragraph about your competent persona. No one knows about my traumas and how much pain they cause me, except a few very close friends. But not my husband or parents or anyone in my daily life. I fear losing the ability to keep that persona going. What's the other alternative? Scheduling my feelings for an hour a week with my therapist and ten minute increments when I'm by myself, not around my husband and kids? And if I do allow those emotions to surface with my therapist will it make me feel more needy with her? Because the attachment portion has been very hard for me as well. I don't want to be attached. Not to someone I only see an hour a week. What am I supposed to do for the rest of the week? And if I feel the emotions alone what if I can't handle them and hurt myself?
These are all things I emailed my therapist last night after a session of discussing my lack of trust in myself and my lack of believing my pain is valid or allowed. She keeps telling me to patient. I'm trying. But I'm tired of how much of my life has been eaten up by just trying to cope and pretend. I know how much of the good I'm missing out of because I won't allow to hard feelings. There are just so many layers to peel back along the way.
I'm sorry this is so rambling. But just know you're not alone.

 

[amosmorris]

OMG, @NightSky...yes yes yes yes. That's just what I feel. I sometimes feel angry at my therapist, imagining (fearing) her taking my bad feelings with a grain of salt, forgetting, somehow leaving me alone with this ugly stuff. I tried yesterday to explain to her--even physically/visually, the set up of therapy: it's like she's sitting over there in that chair, and I'm there on display, melting into a puddle, while she watches...(some of this may be unique to my trauma, I'm not sure)...?? And then I go home...you know?
I will say one thing that I think has helped is that she has me at two times per week. I know it's a big commitment in more ways than one. I am very fortunate in that she gives me a reduced rate so financially it's not a burden--but even timewise it's hard. But two sessions per week allow me to try to come back in person and address some of the drowning (ie, like what you wrote in email to your therapist, but in person). I don't know if that's an option for you, but if it appeals it might help to bolster the therapeutic relationship.
But just think (!!): my therapist has done all this good for me, been so generous, and still...how I struggle...it's really unlike anything I have ever felt. Anyway--thank you for writing all this out. While I know neither of us can undo what the other feels, I admit I find comfort in knowing that what I feel/experience is recognizable to others. :hug:

 

[amosmorris]

Also, @NightSky: I understand the partner/husband connection. When I first brought my husband into all this...I actually hyperventilated trying to share with him. But since that most awful moment--while there have been hard, hard conversations, pain and confusion between us, we also really have come closer together, we are growing. At the best moments I feel like we are in this together. It's a hard road but I felt there were no alternatives--either we needed to deal or bust. It's ongoing but it's been hugely important. I send you all my good energy as you think through how you can make (whether you can make?) your husband a partner in your healing...hope I've been helpful.

 

[NightSky]

Also, @NightSky: I understand the partner/husband connection. When I first brough...

I would love twice a week but my therapist only works three days a week so that wouldn't work. I do think it would be helpful. Because each week as the days pass she feels less real to me and it takes a while to reestablish the connection each session.
I also would like to feel my husband is an ally in this. He is a wonderful person. But I've never been one to connect emotionally (or physically) easily with men. And he is no exception unfortunately. So after fifteen years of marriage I still hold him at an arm's length. I still react negatively to his touch. And my biggest fear with him is mixing "wife" role with "scared/childish immature me who never feels safe" How can he simultaneously see me as both? How can I relate to him from both of those roles? I have no idea what it would be like. But it is a major goal of therapy eventually. First I need to learn to open up and feel with my therapist without dissociating and that hasn't happened yet. :(

 

[amosmorris]

@NightSky...absolutely, the best we can do is small steps. I have trigger issues with my husband/physical intimacy/touch too--it's hard stuff and not easy to talk about with each other. We are working on it, but again--it's not easy on both sides. I don't wan to hurt or reject him, but sometimes --and esp lately as I've been more deeply engaged with all this ugly stuff--I just have to reject the physical contact because I can't tolerate it.

Does you therapist talk to you about dissociating? Does she recognize it when you're in it and identify it for you? This has been something my therapist has been doing for a while with me--ie "Where'd you go just then?"....and then she tries to get me to trace my way back to what I was thinking/feeling when I fogged out (as I like to call it....)....If you know you're dissociating and it's not an open topic between you and your therapist, that seems to me to be a rich place to start. This too is hard. I'm more used to it now but for a while I was very ashamed that my therapist could tell that I was in and out of the conversation. But now I'm grateful--it is an intimacy we share, I'd say, not something most people know about me/could perceive. Anyway--I don't know if any of this is helpful, so please take it all as you will. Again, I send much good your way--you're taking on a lot and being brave for sure.