Feeling Uneasy And On The Edge....

[J_trustno1]

Sorry for constantly bothering everyone :(

I have not been feeling very well lately. I have been getting severe physical pain (i.e. numbness and pin & needles on hands, feet, legs), tiredness, constant migraines, back pains, crying spells, blanking out when getting up and sleepiness. I initially thought it was to do with my low vitamin B12 levels and went to the doctors and had a full blood test. Everything was normal and my doctor said it was my anxiety attack and my depression coming back.

I have been feeling very uneasy and emotionally numb. I don't want to socialize with humans anymore as I find it difficult to trust them. I'm just very bitter. I started having my body image issues again. I'm kinda sick of this life tbh. My hands are numb pretty much everyday now and I'm physically in pain :(.

I think what triggered me is:

1. Feeling like a failure after all that knowledge and not being able to get anywhere in life. I just hate it!
2. I fear what if the course I'm enrolling into won't get me a job again? What about people issues I'm dealing with? I was manipulated and treated like doormat at my previous job and I DO NOT want to used again :(
3. What if I Never get anywhere in life? Two years of my life after education have already been wasted what if this Project management course won't get me anywhere again?
4. I'm scared of humans because they are unpredictable and when I have a personality clash, I tend to avoid people or else end up being a people pleaser. I DO NOT want this to happen again. I'm just scared :( :(.
5. I'm becoming very territorial and don't like people touching my personal stuff. I wonder how will I tolerate someone living in my own house in future (i.e. my future kids? etc)
6. I have been having so much hate for my relatives and men for the last 3 weeks. There is so much rage in me. I can't trust or respect men.

All this has been eating me up for the last 2-3 weeks :(. Argh! I can't stop stressing. All the above keeps on repeating in my head :( :(. I don't want to end up as a Spinster like my mum's brother called me neither I want to end up being unemployed for the rest of my life. My mood is becoming worse as I'm getting closer to my period. I have been diagnosed with PMDD by the psychiatrist in 2014.

Btw my doctor told that it is extremely difficult these days for graduates to get jobs due to the market and her own daughter struggled for quite some time to get a job after getting help! I'm not trying to divert this topic but I see my future being dull and pretty much destroyed :( :( :( :cry:

 

[Jnean]

Thank you for sharing. My guess is that you aren't bothering any if us. You sound maybe young in 20's maybe but that doesnt matter. The future for a lot of us suffering seems pretty bleak but every day is a new day and we wake up and start over in a sense. It's hard. It really is. I feel for you for sure. I think the feelings that you are feeling are normal. You seem like a very smart person to recognize what's going on right now. I admire that. Knowing self is so difficult for me. Talking with your therapist about all if this, and the anger, is probably good to do. I am sorry that things are so tough. You are not alone. You sound like you are determined and I think that means you will succeed in what's important in your life. Hugs if you accept.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Jnean . I'm 28 and starting feel old already since I have not achieved what I wanted to. I see those people with not any qualification or some minor courses reaching high and achieving their goals. I'm sitting here depressed and experiencing all my depression symptoms through my body. This is ridiculous.

Btw I have enrolled into this Graduate diploma in Project management. It gives me work experience while I study but my fear is not getting anywhere after it either because I didn't get anywhere after my Master's degree (sigh!). It's all these what if's and all the failures I've faced. I'm just paranoid I think :(.

 

[Jnean]

Sure, sounds like your anxiety. Try not to beat yourself up. You find out in life what's your thing and what isn't as you grow. Not having known you for long, you seem to be someone who will achieve in making your dreams come true. Sometimes its a matter of knowing what those dreams are. And sometimes not setting the bar too high is what we need. I know how easy it is to worry. It's hard not too. Good luck. Maybe one day at a time.

 

[J_trustno1]

Wow, you're so sweet and kind. I'm my worse critic and having not achieved my goals by this age is actually making me question my abilities. Thanks for the kind and genuine response :)

 

[maelstrom]

I totally understand this--I'm about your age and also have not gotten anywhere in life yet, and I actually have better qualifications than most people who have achieved much, much more than me, so I understand your confusion and fear and anxiety and frustration. Because of all this mental hell my life stopped for a few years, and when I "came back" I couldn't find a job for a long time, and the longer it dragged on the worse it felt. But eventually I did find a job in an unlikely place and started doing something unrelated to my major. It's not the dream job, and it does not pay that much--actually people without my credentials could earn more and often do. But it is a job nonetheless, and the work is not too demanding, so I have some time left to pursue my own things. The only problem is that the job is not very stable, and I don't know how long I'd be able to stay, but it's better than not have any job!

So you see it's usually not as impossible as you may think, and when you look for a job, don't limit yourself to your field. Sometimes you may find jobs in something totally unrelated to your degree, yet which ends up surprisingly suitable. If you really can't find anything (which happens a lot these days, so don't blame yourself for it because it's really a matter of luck rather than a measurement of talent), you can always start with part-time jobs and other things just so you have some financial independence, and you can keep looking while you do that. Sometimes things happen on their own, and good things come to you when you least expect it.

Also, don't worry too much about your age. If we are all required to achieve certain goals by a certain age, how boring the world would be!

 

[Cas]

I have these days where I don't want to be around anyone still have 2-3 nights a week with little to no sleep always irritated I see my Dr regularly but still feel like they have not done nothing to help me I still have the panic attacks where I tremble all over and feel at times that I have no one not even family that understands just how I feel

 

[crazyhorse69]

Sounds so negative, anything on the bright side of life, working in your favor? Any positive and fulfilling experiences or engagements with human beings? There's certainly two sides of the coin in your situation of course you can chose to keep looking and focusing on the negative side of course no problem there, or flip the coin over and try to start seeing the positive side of life and your circumstances. How long has it been sense you've had a good day? I mean you woke up feel happy, fresh, energetic bigger than life, everyone was kind and nice to you throughout the day, good food, good fun, a day you actually enjoyed living?