General Feelings Of Going Crazy

[JSTANLEY]

Good Morning All!

So I just wanted to discuss my experiences this morning with my BF. I woke up at 4:30am to him coughing in the bathroom and having a hard time breathing (he is getting a cold he thinks) When I got up to see if he was ok, he asked me to come and lay down with him to see if I could help him fall back asleep, as he had been up most of the night with anxiety, unable to settle.
When we were laying there he started to talk about what was going on. He asked me if he was going crazy, and wondered how much longer he could handle this. I assured him that he would be ok, it would take some time but he would work through it. That he was doing the right thing by seeing a counsellor and he is better this past week then the week before and that tomorrow may be a better day as he is seeing the counsellor. I also explained to him that I thought he was having a hard time right now as he has had two situations in the last two days that I think are triggers. First off, his stepfather called and left a nasty message threatening to call the police if he didnt return his horse trailer (which I might add, had been left behind when the house was sold) and he is hurt as he has done nothing but be good to this man ( he had throat cancer and we allowed his stepfather to stay here while he healed so we could care for him, he also paid for his stepfather to get a divorce from my BF mother)
Secondly, he has been estranged from his mother for sometime as she had her nose out of joint regarding him helping his stepfather amongst many other things, more recently thought (2 weeks ago) they reconciled and have started slowly talking again. His Mom called yesterday and asked him to borrow a vehicle as hers was broken and he agreed.
I assured him that he was doing the right thing in both situations, as he did not retaliate to his stepfather as badly as he wanted to, I convinced him that he was the bigger person and it would really not help anything.
He asked me this morning why he was questioning everything and especially us, and I explained to him that he has not allowed his emotions to show for many years and now he is starting to and he is feeling so much. I reassured him that he would get through this and I was so proud of him for how far he has come, but there still is a ways to come.
Althought he tends to push me away alot, I feel he truly does feel a need for me because when he is feeling down, he comes home and opens up and talks about it, which is a huge step for him, and those sleepless nights, he turns to me and manages to relax enough to get a little rest, but only when I am there with him.
I look forward to hearing your opinions, experiences and suggestions with what i have typed above, I am sorry if it is alot and overwhelming, I am just trying my best to do the right things.
Thanks.

 

[TLight]

You sound like an excellent supportive partner. I think he is a very lucky man. Just keep listening, reassuring, and making him feel safe.

That's about all I can say as a sufferer.

 

[Marinewifey]

I'm not a sufferer but i can totally relate to what you are going though.

My husband is the sufferer and he is the complete opposite and usually shuts me out. so just keep doing what you are doing and things will get better over time.

best of luck

 

[JSTANLEY]

So my BF has really shut himself off today, I have a hard time with no affection and even if it was routine, he still kissed me good bye everytime he left, he isn't doing that anymore, he simply looks at me and says goodbye, it hurts so bad. He still kisses the kids and tells him he loves them and I know I should be happy with that, but this no affection is hurting my heart so bad. He goes to the therapist today and I hope she does him some good, I am afraid though he is going to pull away further because after his visit last week, he came home telling me he was leaving and needed his space, although he was feeling better and had hope, it seemed I was the only one losing as he was completely blaming me for the stress, even though I had done nothing more then I ever do and I was being extra cautious to be sure that everything ran smoothly (he also has a touch of OCD)
I am not crying like I was last week, and I go through emotions of feeling strong and weak, but I just hurt so much.
Thanks to everyone who has read and posted regarding my story, it helps so much, just to know that I am not alone and any ideas that you all suggest are so great.
Thanks again

 

[amethist]

Hi JSTANLEY

It is so difficult for us as carers to sometimes understand how hard it is for sufferers to be as they were before ptsd invaded our lives. One of the first things to get pushed to the back of everything else can be relationships, however strong they were before, as it is the easiest for them to let go. But it does not have to be like that for ever, so for now just except he probably does still love you but cannot show it as he used to just now. As long as he is not being mean or disrespectful to you and treating you as best he can for now, then try and except him as he is now, not as he was.

Read the stress bucket article, it will explain it a lot better than I can here. There is a lot of different information all over the forum, written by sufferers and carers about how ptsd effects relationships. Just reading a few can make a lot of difference in our own understanding of all this.

Take care and stay strong. You always have here to come and vent your feelings, no one will think any less of you for doing that.

Amethist

 

[JSTANLEY]

Thanks for the support, I am so lost right now. Things were starting to feel ok again and manageable and then he went to his counsellor yesterday. He did share with me that 90 percent of his hour was talking about me, and that his counsellor advised that I see someone other than her as it wouuld be a conflict of interest. I hate the fact that they talked about me, I am so scared of being let go. He said they talked about his guilt and how he felt awful for lying to me and cheating on me and that he was regretfull and wished he could change it, also how we never had a chance to date and get to know each other before becoming parents and then the other thing he shared was I was never given the chance to fall in love the right way.
It just sounds to me like he is letting me go, and I am trying to be so supportive of his decisions and to be there for him but it is so hard not to worry.
Tonight he is going to look at the house we were going to buy, he is going to buy it for himself. It hurts so bad, I was really hoping he would stay here and we could work through it, but he said he needs space to figure himself out, it just sucks and maybe I am being selfish but there are children involved.
The other thing he ssaid to me was how it felt good to get his guilt out, to cleanse his soul, so different, I have never heard him talk like that before.
I honestly felt that things would work out between us and he wouldnt leave, but man have I been fooled.
After telling me he was going to talk to the guy about the house, he comes home for a minute and hugs me and is all happy
I am so so so confused. I just wish it would work out........