Fighting My T

[DharmaGirl]

A week ago I had a huge falling out with my T. So now I've talked things out with my T, he apologized for being what sounded like "invalidating my feelings", and we are moving on. I simply don't trust him anymore. I have no feelings now. I know this is normal for someone with trauma, but I am being so resisitant to therapy right now. I don't believe what he says. I feel like I did when I first started but without the need to appease him. I am not doing DBT stuff like he wants me to and I don't care about working on stuff. I don't want to go to my appts, and I don't want to tell him anything when I do.

Has anyone been through this? I want to get better, but at what cost? I'm thinking if I go back to work and focus on work and friends and family, I won't have to go back to therapy. I know this is not true, but I want it so much. I have been in therapy about a year, twice a week for the last 6 months with 4 hospitalizations in the last 5 months. I never had to be hospitalized before the therapy. There goes that black and white thinking again. I realize I have to go through it to heal, and I'm hoping someone can share who's been past this point.

 

[kers]

I simply don't trust him anymore. I have no feelings now. I know this is normal for someone with trauma, but I am being so resisitant to therapy right now. I don't believe what he says. I feel like I did when I first started but without the need to appease him. I am not doing DBT stuff like he wants me to and I don't care about working on stuff. I don't want to go to my appts, and I don't want to tell him anything when I do.

This is what you need to talk about with your therapist. Sometimes, the work we do in therapy is about the relationship. Your feelings after the falling out reflect the thinking created by the trauma. The way to change that pattern is to go through the feelings and find a way to repair a relationship rather than escape it. Talk about the therapy until it feels more resolved and you have more trust again. Broken trust can be repaired if you both work at it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Ultimately, we're not fighting our T., we're fighting ourselves.

I've found that living in the land of willingness has moved me forward more quickly and with less emotional pain than hanging onto my resistance.

My T. told me 'you have trust issues. You're going to have to keep pushing at them.'

He was right. Ever boundry my brain draws in therapy is some kinda past dreck showing up in the therapy room. It's called 'traumatic re-enactment' and we'll continue doing it until we change our response.

DBT was very helpful with gaining skills. It was like someone offered me a set of tools that nobody gave me growing up. Why wouldn't I want to at least try them out first before discarding them?

I did learn that the pacing in therapy truly is all up to me. If I wanna continue resisting suggestions that could possibly help me feel better, that doesn't bother my T., though it's greatly unfair to my supporters and children. They deserve to have me at least try.

If I waited until I felt better to try accepting the help that was offered, I'd be wasting my money and time.

We only expand our comfort zone by pushing it outward through doing it anyway - even if we don't feel like it.

I have immense faith in the process now, even if it is uncomfortable.

 

[anthony]

The therapeutic relationship is compelled to have issues compared to any other relationship in your life. It is the one that is employed to both support and challenge you. It is a false environment built to work through all the misunderstanding / miscommunicated aspects of your life. Mistakes are pretty much going to happen. You shouldn't beat yourself up, or your therapist, for communication mistakes if they generally do more good to help you. You should not punish a therapist for a mistake when they otherwise help you. Shit does happen... even in their lives, unbeknownst to you as you aren't there to discuss their issues in their life going on that you have no idea about that could affect their judgement on a given day.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have been in a similar place. Ultimately, the fighting with my T got so bad that she let me go. In retrospect, it was for the best given my situation. I can't say what would be the best for yours.

You have a number of options. 1) Continue seeing this T twice a week to work on your trust issues 2) Take a therapy break 3) Find another T 4) Quit therapy altogether. I don't advise #4, but perhaps the other three options would be worth considering.

Sometimes we just need to step back. Constantly working on our issues is hard work! Maybe you just need to take a breather to get a better perspective on things?

I'm curious as to the context of your hospital visits as you say you didn't have any before therapy. Is this therapist discussing things which later cause you to spin out of control? Has he been teaching you skills to get you stabilized....OK, dumb question, you said he's teaching you DBT. I'm just scratching my head here wondering if he's pushing you to talk about things you're not ready to handle yet, as you don't have the skills for keeping yourself safe.

 

[Hashi]

I've felt betrayed by a T, and didn't think I could get past it but we did. Even after we'd talked about it, I still felt I hadn't been heard properly so I went back and explained more. This time I felt she got it, and she apologised in a way that I felt was sincere. That was really important to me. I still wasn't sure I could continue working with her, or doing T at all, and I had to take a month off because I was feeling too negative. After that we began to rebuild the relationship. If you trusted your T before and think it was helpful to see him, I think it's worth working on this more before giving up.

Like SoL, I'm wondering about the need to be hospitalised since you started therapy. Therapy does stir things up very badly, and we need to have resources and use them to get through it. Does your T know you're not doing the DBT stuff? I think it's his responsibility to work with you on skills for coping and safety, and it's also necessary for you to put that into practice. The DBT stuff is for you, not for him. If you don't feel able to commit to working on resources to support you through the therapy - and I think DBT is one of the best approaches - then I'm not sure how good an idea it is to do therapy at all.

I hope I don't sound too harsh, I'm just thinking about your own safety and well-being.

How would you feel about talking more with your T about what you've put in your post, and having a break of sorts where for a while you and your T focus on coping skills as a way to stabilise, regroup and see if you can rebuild the relationship?

 

[Hashi]

By the way, I do hear you about not wanting to have to do this. I really wish none of us had to. Sending sympathy and support.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Thank you all for your insights. Anthony, I agree, and I am going to have to work through this because in my relationships outside therapy I do the same thing - leave. I am also starting a group where we will work through the DBT workbook together on a weekly basis. I do use the skills, I was just feeling sorry for myself when I posted. That's a waste of time. I feel more positive now, I don't think I can get over this quickly like I want to, but I will learn to trust him again. I have to continue therapy or I will just keep spinning wheels.

The reason for the hospitalizations are that I'm suicidal. Or should I say was. I do have the skills to survive without the hospital now. Once I started therapy, I was flooded with memories that I had hidden away, so it was overwhelming. My PTSD symptoms were out of control and I was pushing myself too hard. I really want to get better. Its one of the hardest things I've every done and I'm going to muddle through. I emailed my T and suggested that we meet once a week for awhile. I know that mistakes happen, and this is a good way to learn how to get through stuff like this, and he is just as human as I am. I will perservere and stop whining, lol.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Monster, talking about difficult feelings is not whining. Did someone keep saying this to you growing up? I'm sorry if they did.

IntoTheLight helped me immensely during a time I was seriously considering firing my T. (again!) by asking me the following...

'Do you feel that your T. is basically a good person who has your best interests at heart? Or, is he not a good person and doesn't deserve your trust?'

All people used to have an either/or designation to me. There was no middle ground to me.

But all human beings, T.'s included, have times when they are tired, distracted, worried, anxious, overwhelmed, rushed...

I used to want others to be impossibly perfect. But I didn't want them to hold me to that same standard. No wonder I was so lonely!

Do you believe your T. was trying to judge you, hurt you, or otherwise engage in behavior that would merit your distrust?

If not, what is preventing you from seeing this with compassion for both of you as having just had a challenging session?

Somewhere along the way, my T. became just a person to me, and not my hero who exists only for me or, another abuser out to get me. Just a kind, dedicated man trying his best to help me. I decided to let him.

It helped open up a vast healing space in the therapy room, and now in real life, where I don't need to be perfect, and neither does anyone else. It's a great way to help me accept life on life's terms.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I think that's where I'm at now. I care about my patients, but I'm not perfect. He cares about his patients but he's not perfect. He is a good person who loves what he does, that's the best kind of T there is, one who loves what they do. I thought he was trying to judge me, but he wasn't. I am now looking forward (lol) to working through this as part of my healing process.

I know this is a long road and I look forward to being able to help others along the way in this forum.