Fighting The Invisible

[gnirolockoob]

I'm going to start a trauma diary here. Fighting the Invisible was my diary's title, a diary I burned, since I can't handle having my past on paper. Today is Saturday and I'm going to call a therapist on Monday since my psychiatrist don't really offer therapy and he's on a 2 month vacation.

 

[gnirolockoob]

Alright here goes nothing. Also this may be adult rated

I was in a sexual relationship with my neighbor since I was 7 until I was 13. I was also on swim teams since I was 6 (another recruited me around when I was 9). I don't really remember much of what happened, but what I do remember is branded on my mind with hot iron. Most specifically one where I was gagged and she whispered something in my ear which I could not remember. She started to get more violent as time passed by and the number of people participating increased. When I tried to say no I was pushed off the second floor and broke both my ankles and was treated like dirt. I wanted her approval and could not live without it. I obediently did everything she asked of me and I guess that broke me. I also quit swimming around this time. When I was 13 she and her family moved out suddenly with no explanation.

My triggers:

• Certain types of female perfume make me sick to my stomach because of the memories.
• Swimming (which I started to do again recently and is what I think the reason for my recent flashbacks.
• Random

Sex is just painful for me no matter how gentle the partner is or how small whatever is being put inside me is. And when I'm being treated roughly (which I prefer) I start to dissociate and remember the past.

 

[gnirolockoob]

Prior to my sexual relations I was treated like an animal by a caretaker for about 2 years of my childhood life which I have no memory of. Apparently (according to stories told to me by aunts and uncles) I was found by an aunt and my mom had to quit her job. She hated me for making her quit her job and either punishes me too roughly (hit with a belt for hours until I couldn't cry anymore, really?) or ignores my existence, which she does not do with my other siblings. She also apparently does it in front of my siblings just to show them (this is from stories now because my memory is foggy).

 

[gnirolockoob]

I'm regretting writing down my past here but there's no delete button. I guess sometimes I have to find the courage to write it down...

 

[gnirolockoob]

Found out the therapist/s I'm supposed to call are also psychiatrists so it's no different from going to my current one... and therapists/psychologists are a lot rarer than psychiatrist in my country. So I'm back to square one.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Congrats on starting your diary! It's a rough process to do this.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Gniro - I hope you don't mind me asking this - why do you say it was a sexual relationship? Is it too hard to say that he/she sexually abused you? I don't see how a 7 year old can be in a sexual relationship.

Please forgive me if I'm intruding. I'm just hoping you're not carrying an additional burden or responsibility with respect to a person who hurt you. And I also hope you don't stop writing.

 

[gnirolockoob]

Because I remember giving my full consent at the time. You can call it abuse but for me it would always be consensual even though it hurts more to say that it was that way. I could've always stopped going to their house but I didn't.

 

[gnirolockoob]

So I was in the Psychiatry ward for a week without privillages to use the internet (and a lot more). I dissociated while cutting my arm and I banged my head on the wall quite a few times until my step mom decided to put me back at the hospital. I got a good doctor to whom I've told my past to and is working with me so I don't get relapses anymore until my real doctor comes back.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

I'm so sorry you were feeling that bad.

 

[gnirolockoob]

I wasn't feeling that bad like I can't feel emotions properly, but I guess I was since I harmed myself :/ I remember feeling a bit of wanting to see myself bleed for some reason.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Gniro - I'm great at blaming myself for everything and feeling like a failure. When I started to talk with all of you here at the forum I realized that I didn't have to be so alone and it's very hard to respond to everyday things when there was no one to teach how to cope. I truly hope you can see that you're not alone and it doesn't have to be as hard as we make it on ourselves.

And great big friendly hugs to you!