Finally Accept Diagnosis

[Lauren]

I'm not sure if this is the place to post this, but I count today's therapy as a success. My T had suggested that we do more of a "who hurt me and how" exercise we had started some time ago. I had seen the "time line" suggestion here as a way to start a trauma diary. It fit right in with what my T thought we should be doing so I did the timeline last Sunday and found it to be quite therapeutic. More importantly, I printed out a copy for my my T and gave it to him tonight. After discussion he said that it confirms what he has thought, that I suffer from PTSD. I had been diagnosed with it by both pyschologist and psychiatrist 8 years ago and accepted it unitl I started reading about it on this site. I didn't want to "b"e what it says here. Now, because of what I have read here and because of putting it all in front of myself and my T and because he says that anyone of a number of things I went thru could have caused it, let alone the sheer # of traumas, not to mention the constancy of the domestic violence. He has no doubt that I suffer from PTSD/CPTSD... So now I accept it. I have PTSD. God it sounds like being in an AA meeting "Hi, my name is Lauren and I have PTSD.

I also told my husband tonight and shared some more of the things that happened to me. He is supportive and even agreed to come to this site to start learning about it.

This is a huge step....I can now face, accept and start to really do something about it. I UNDERSTAND that I can't cure it, but I can manage it! Thank you also Anthony, for this site and for being so blunt with me. It helped.

 

[Nicolette]

Awesome work Lauren as I have read some of your earlier posts. With acceptance comes the ability to make changes and work to improve your life which is impossible when you are in denial. I wish you well and am glad your husband is supportive.

My husband has PTSD and besides the normal pain in the butt relationship things, I wouldn't swap him for the world. PTSD is just something you now learn to take control of and manage in order to have the best life possible - you have the strength to do that!

 

[Artista]

Bravo Lauren!! It is the biggest step! These grief-like steps of acceptance and moving from sufferers to survivors to victorious is what we all strive for! I am so heartened at hearing your words and it is so beautifully articulate how you put this... really good work!! I am so happy your husband has agreed to pop in here and take a gander!! This is a big key ... having the extra support of a knowledgeable person who cares about your pushing through this!!! This is the best news to start my day and I vow on your behalf and all those who are out there to have the best therapy session today that I can!! Here's to becoming victorious! It WILL happen! As James said on another post.... we are warriors. Welcome soldier! The battles and war can be won in time.

 

[anni]

Hi Lauren.

That's wonderful for your peace, I know. I hate to be Pollyanna, and believe me, I'm not feeling at all chipper today so have no reason to be overly full of crap about anything at all pertaining to PTSD. I am though,( not full of crap, I hope- just maybe hopefull) and stubbornly so, and not without foundation. As crappy as today is, I know with 100 percent certainty NOW that tomorrow won't be, or even later today, maybe. Whatever it is that got rewired in there, I actually believe has left me a far more compassionate, kind and selfless person with a ton of genuine strength that wasn't there 20 years ago. I could go on but won't. disliking self-analysis in the extreme. It's just that as painful as it is, there's going to be a tomorrow when it won't be, and then another one. It's lovely that you have the support of a fabulous husband, since I count that in my life as a huge componant in getting a handle on an awful lot of facets of the diagnosis. Certainly, 'it' can be done without someone like him, but it's just an amazingly wonderfull addition to your healing path. If anything can be said to be 'lucky' in one's circumstances here, in my opinion that would be it.

Just do keep taking care.

Anni

 

[Jade-]

I'm happy that you have seen the light, so to speak. And I think it's awesome that you have such a supportive partner.

 

[Lauren]

Thanks Jade. I hope at some point you will be able to share with your husband. I understand the fear of doing so. I've been married for 32 years and Bob was shocked about what happened to me when he read the list. He knew some of it but I guess very little. It gave him the perspective of the constant enormity of it all. He assures me that it doesn't make him love me less. I fact he's always thought I was strong and courageous, he thinks that even more now. He does however feel my parents and other perpetrators in my life should be shot....

Anni, thanks so much for the encouragement. I will try to hold on to it during the times I feel overwhelmed. Hope for a brighter tomorrow is such a huge thing and really does make it bearable. It's holding onto that hope that can be so hard. My T has suggested that I ask believers to pray for my protection during this time. And wants me to look for the "God" surprises. The goal with the latter is to start hoping in God again. That is a tall order for me right now. I do understand and believe my T that once I can get back to trusting and hoping in God that things will be much easier to bear. Ohhh how I wish I was there now!

 

[anni]

Oh wow I absolutely know what you mean. It would only be irritating and frustrating for anyone to say 'You'll get there' when clearly it seems so far away at the moment. I get resentful as hell at those times, too. Funny how there's not really a healthy anger mechanism but boy can I get mad at God. I can only say that once in awhile then 'something' occurs that's so pointedly an 'answer' that one ends up feeling almost chagrined at having had doubts. I'm so sorry to sound so Pollyanna again, it's just what 'happened' here, and really does now provide that stubborn hope in the awful times.

I hate to become too chatty, but wish to add that I am also wildly lucky enough to have an astonishingly supportive husband. It's also only JUST really occured to me that although he wouldn't look at it that way, he's a 'carer' with this dam thing. I don't know though-maybe there's more than luck involved and God really was listening to some of my prayers.

 

[Artista]

I get that too! There are days that even I can't stand the sunshine I seem to have to cram at myself to make myself believe it'll be ok one day! That in itself is exhausting. And also hearing... "it's not in your time but God's time". What? Like that makes you feel better... especially when as survivors of trauma we probably didn't have help when exactly needed or didn't ask for it... hard to feel not bailed on again in some way! Yet, I have had enough evidence that things DO seem to come in their own right time and I have no foresight on when that truly should be. Learning to trust in the ride of this is never easy! I just go by the facts... and that is that when I look back on the past 10 months, things have come when appropriately needed. I do believe there is a larger "plan" or path I haven't yet a clue to and just need to be aware of what is now and handle that the best I can. Guess that is where the "one day at a time" plays in.

 

[anni]

Yes, and it makes more sense out of the 'one day at a time'. I used to view that as such a dreary, slog-though it perspective and made me even more depressed when people used to present it to me as some sort of 'hope'. At the moment, what it means to me is that whatever it beyond all the dreck today will BE genuinely better because after all this time at least I've had proof. Everyone has to have what the heck gets one through and if it's a belief that in God's power, and good over evil, or and the proverbial triumph of one's spirit then so be it. I don't care how hokey it sounds.Somene didn't wish me to be here, quite literally, and I am. Something transpired to ensure that, I know.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Where's the information on the trauma journal/timeline? I'm trying to find it but haven't been able to find much on the web.

 

[Iam]

HI BloomInWinter. I formally posted under Lauren. Not sure if you are asking for my timeline (if so it is partly under Lauren and partly under Iam) or if you are wanting to start your own.

There is a Trauma Diary Section in the PTSD Forum area. You can start a diary there. Everyone is different. I found for me that doing a timeline starting from my first remembered trauma at the age of 3 yrs and working forward helped me. I first just did a timeline of the traumas. Then went back and filled in details as I remembered them. Many details resurfaced as I did this. I won't lead you astray, it was hard to do. It was VERY triggering, but it did help. Especially considering I was numb and not able to access my feelings at all before that.

The other part of it that was helpful for me was that I was unable to talk about these things with my T so what I did was print the first part out and give it to him at the end of a session. The rest I emailed as I worked on it. I just couldn't bear to talk about it or even be there when he read about those awful things. What it did though is open the door for us to start discussing them. Again, very triggering to do that in therapy. It got so bad that we are now taking a break from it and working on some other things, coping skills and such.

I start EMDR in October. NOT something I am looking forward to at all as I know that it will bring the emotions up again and, I hope, bring back and fill the memories of traumas that I only have partial recollection of.

Sorry, got off track. Here is the link to getting started with exposure therapy that goes along with starting your trauma diary. You should definitely read it first [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/595-Getting-Started-With-Exposure-Therapy?p=3914[/DLMURL]

You can PM me if you need more info.

Good luck!