Hello everyone. I was really excited to find this web site, and it helped answer a lot of questions I had. I'm 35 yrs old. I have a lot of missing information from my past, but never cared, or rather, never wanted to know why. I'm going to try to share my story, and I'll try not to make it too long. There's so much to say I'm not sure where to start. In November of 1987 I was sexually assaulted by my friends dad (I was 12 yrs old). He choked me until I passed out, I woke up and the cops came. His daughter ran to a neighbors house. I remember that all the blood vessels from my neck up were popped and I have vague details of the night. I know my dad ended up getting custody of me 6 months later. What I struggle with is memories surrounding that time. I know the incident was in large part due to my mother's inability to see this man had real problems and the fact that she was using him for things. My dad had told her over and over that I was not allowed to go over to this friends house. Anyway, I have always had these visions of when I was younger (before I was 12) of being in the shower at home, double checking to make sure the door was locked, and I hear someone picking the lock, the shower door opens and I'm shaking with fear, and then it cuts off. A couple others like I'm hiding under a bed and he finds me. I can't shake the feeling that this was one of my half brothers.
I broke up with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago and sat down and read through hundreds of emails between he and I. As I sat there, things kept getting darker and darker around me. Who had I become? My behavior was utterly embarrassing. What was I so angry about? Why was this relationship, and many prior, so unstable? Why did I choose to be with people I knew would eventually hurt me? Why was my behavior so self-destructive? It sent me reeling. I started trying to put the pieces together from my past, but it's been far more difficult than I ever imagined, and the more I keep learning the less I feel like I know.
I had always said that this guy went to jail for 5 years for sexual assualt, and that I went to years and years of therapy so I was healthy and recovered. When asked about my relationship with my mom, I just responded with a simple "she didn't raise us, my dad did. My mom's crazy", and left it at that. I had no feeling about it either way. I went to a therapist a few years ago toward the end of yet another failed relationship and one of the first things she asked was about my relationship with my parents. I gave my usual response and she sat back and said "you say that with absolutely no emotion". I got defensive and told her I'd been going to therapy for years so I worked through that. Then, a year or so later I had almost the same conversation with another therapist, except her response was "you say that as if you are talking about someone else's life". Again, I gave her the same defensive response. Well, the other night I called my dad and was asking him questions and asked which therapist I went to, and for how long and he said "I'm not sure what you mean, you didn't go to therapy". WHAT??? He said they had sent me to some police program for child victims of sexual assault, and that was it. Okay, had I some how made this up in my head?? And, I can tell you that in my adult life I have never gone to a therapist more than 3 times, then I quit. And I never recognized the problem...
As I now dig for information on my past, I have no memories of my mother from about 14 years old and younger. Now, slowly but surely, I'm starting to feel the pain of her actions. My dad and my best friend both said that I used to be so scared living with her. That she would leave me home alone at night all the time and I called my dad to pick me up each time. She would lock me outside of the apartment while she had her married boyfriend come over. She would put me down all the time "Stand up straight, your hair is a mess, your belly is getting big (which btw, I was a bean pole), your clothes are wrinkled, ...." Okay, she was doing this right after I'd been sexually abused. Was it not clear that I was broken? That I prayed to God everyday to send me a new mommy. On top of it, I had 4 brothers (2 real, 2 half) who all hated me because they thought my mom loved me the best. I also just found out that man was sentenced to just 2 1/2 yrs in jail and it had been plea bargained down to false imprisonment (my dad didn't want to put me through a trial). But, 2 1/2 years? Are you kidding me? And look at how long we end up having to pay for it.
There has been a demon living inside me, eating a hole right through my soul. I want it out. I want all the information out so I can finally deal with all this anger and make sense out of things. I have a 7 year old daughter, and so far, she still has that contagious laugh and that sparkle in her eyes. God knows I need to work through things so I don't somehow turn out like my mother.
I've started seeing a psychotherapist and I'm so dedicated to this now. Is it really possible for us to recover our memories? For us to work through all the anger and heal from our pasts? It's so crazy because I honestly feel like I've been living a lie.
I'm sorry if you had a hard time following my post. I had a hard time writing it.
I broke up with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago and sat down and read through hundreds of emails between he and I. As I sat there, things kept getting darker and darker around me. Who had I become? My behavior was utterly embarrassing. What was I so angry about? Why was this relationship, and many prior, so unstable? Why did I choose to be with people I knew would eventually hurt me? Why was my behavior so self-destructive? It sent me reeling. I started trying to put the pieces together from my past, but it's been far more difficult than I ever imagined, and the more I keep learning the less I feel like I know.
I had always said that this guy went to jail for 5 years for sexual assualt, and that I went to years and years of therapy so I was healthy and recovered. When asked about my relationship with my mom, I just responded with a simple "she didn't raise us, my dad did. My mom's crazy", and left it at that. I had no feeling about it either way. I went to a therapist a few years ago toward the end of yet another failed relationship and one of the first things she asked was about my relationship with my parents. I gave my usual response and she sat back and said "you say that with absolutely no emotion". I got defensive and told her I'd been going to therapy for years so I worked through that. Then, a year or so later I had almost the same conversation with another therapist, except her response was "you say that as if you are talking about someone else's life". Again, I gave her the same defensive response. Well, the other night I called my dad and was asking him questions and asked which therapist I went to, and for how long and he said "I'm not sure what you mean, you didn't go to therapy". WHAT??? He said they had sent me to some police program for child victims of sexual assault, and that was it. Okay, had I some how made this up in my head?? And, I can tell you that in my adult life I have never gone to a therapist more than 3 times, then I quit. And I never recognized the problem...
As I now dig for information on my past, I have no memories of my mother from about 14 years old and younger. Now, slowly but surely, I'm starting to feel the pain of her actions. My dad and my best friend both said that I used to be so scared living with her. That she would leave me home alone at night all the time and I called my dad to pick me up each time. She would lock me outside of the apartment while she had her married boyfriend come over. She would put me down all the time "Stand up straight, your hair is a mess, your belly is getting big (which btw, I was a bean pole), your clothes are wrinkled, ...." Okay, she was doing this right after I'd been sexually abused. Was it not clear that I was broken? That I prayed to God everyday to send me a new mommy. On top of it, I had 4 brothers (2 real, 2 half) who all hated me because they thought my mom loved me the best. I also just found out that man was sentenced to just 2 1/2 yrs in jail and it had been plea bargained down to false imprisonment (my dad didn't want to put me through a trial). But, 2 1/2 years? Are you kidding me? And look at how long we end up having to pay for it.
There has been a demon living inside me, eating a hole right through my soul. I want it out. I want all the information out so I can finally deal with all this anger and make sense out of things. I have a 7 year old daughter, and so far, she still has that contagious laugh and that sparkle in her eyes. God knows I need to work through things so I don't somehow turn out like my mother.
I've started seeing a psychotherapist and I'm so dedicated to this now. Is it really possible for us to recover our memories? For us to work through all the anger and heal from our pasts? It's so crazy because I honestly feel like I've been living a lie.
I'm sorry if you had a hard time following my post. I had a hard time writing it.
