Finally Got It Out

[gtpgurl]

So I had therapy today and I finally got up the nerve to actually talk about the issue with my therapist today. I had Ibeen holding back because I know as soon as I started talking about it I would have a total breakdown, and of course I did. Our sessions usually are only 50 minutes but this time she kept me for an hour and a half which was much needed.

Quick background is I was in an extremely abusive relationship, physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually. All of it revolved around pornography and rape. This went on for 10 years until he got locked up and I moved out. For some reason I spent 10 years feeling like a prisoner. I felt trapped, no way to escape, no options, nowhere to go, nothing I could do, he was three times my size.

Now I am and healthy relationship the only issue is I keep catching him looking at porn. He knows my issues and knows why I am extremely against pornography. He promises that he won't do it and then does anyways. It was really bad this time because I have a baby now and I found out that he actually came home to look at porn the day after I gave birth to my first child and I was still in the hospital with the baby.

I explained everything to my therapist again she keeps telling me that it has nothing to do with his love for me that men are visual creatures by nature.But that is very wrong for him to tell me he's not going to do it and then continue to do it. We did a lot of talking. I did a lot of crying and she came to the conclusion I am NOT ready for exposure therapy but at some point the PTSD has to be seriously confronted.

She says for now we need to work on my self image because I have such negative horrible self esteem about my physical appearance and slowly work our way up to dealing with the PTSD head on. I think we are both nervous about that day because I really really horrific stuff happened and now that I have small baby to take care of I just don't think I'm ready to open that jar of crap backup. I have become an expert at twisting the lid on really tight and keeping everything inside and stuffing it way down.

It has been 8 years since I left that person and it's still so ingrained into my mind. I have dreams every night. Everyday when I go to say my boyfriends name my ex's name is the first pops into my head . I'm not sure how working on my self esteem is going to help to fix this, but it would be nice to not feel so disgusting all the time I guess.

I don't know what to do the appointment with my psychiatrist is coming up in about a month. I'm thinking about talking about meds with him. I really don't want to go on anything that's going to make me gain more weight I don't need to get fatter that's just going to hurt my self esteem even more. But I need some kind of something to help with all of it the PTSD the anxiety and panic the OCD that makes it all so much worse and the BPD. All I'm taking right now is 5 milligrams of Valium as needed and a bunch of different stuff to help me sleep that I switch between, Ambien, Trazodone, Vistril, Atarax and benadryl.

Sorry I guess I'm still in a loop from therapy I didn't know this was getting so long I just wanted some advice on what to do and if there's any medications that someone might think I would maybe help with all my issues and symptoms and something better to help me sleep because even with all those medicines going back and forth I still stay awake. kind of medicine that doesn't cause weight gain.

I really just want to stop hurting it just hurts so so bad, I wish I could learn how to not care just so it would stop hurting.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am glad your T took extra time with you.

Tell the psychiatrist all you said here about meds and see what s/he suggests.

Take it all one day at a time. You have a lot going on. You might want to read Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine to understand more about what is going on with you as well as the terrific articles in the Help Section here.

Congrats on talking about something important but scary with your T!

 

[Barconian]

Now I am and healthy relationship the only issue is I keep catching him looking at porn.

"But" He is male :D Boys do that!

 

[gtpgurl]

I understand porn is normal for some people, it is not for me. It is part of my trauma , it is the biggest trigger I have, is unacceptable to me. I explained all of this to him and the very beginning of our relationship and he agreed that he would not look at porn. I wish I could accept it as normal because then I wouldn't hurt and this one aspect of our relationship wouldn't be an issue.

 

[Barconian]

But he is a man @gtpgurl You gotta deal with this "girl" :) If you want normal, you got normal... It isn't his fault you have issues

 

[gtpgurl]

No but it is his fault for lying to me and telling me he could be something that I needed when he obviously can't do that. I wish He would have been honest at the beginning. I would have chose to not get into another relationship after everything that happened. I had hope, I fell in love we had a kid and now its too late.

I don't care that he is a man and that is normal, the fact is I told him that I could not accept that again at another relationship he told me he was different he did not need to look at porn and he would never do that to me. He lied and now I feel trapped because of this one stupid thing.

 

[gtpgurl]

I don't get it, this is a PTSD forum. It is so hard to even talk about especially with the fact that my issue is surrounding something so normal for most people that affects me so horribly. Its hard for me to talk about and embarrassing for me to admit. to repeatedly here get over it, its normal, that's what men do. It doesn't help me in anyway. If there is a better place for me to go to get support for this please let me know. I was going to try the domestic violence forum. I sign myself up but I cannot bring myself to talk about the details of the violence. I guess I just thought it would be better to start here. If I am wrong please let me know where to go I don't want to be making a bigger fool of myself then I already have.

 

[Barconian]

to repeatedly here get over it, its normal, that's what men do. It doesn't help me in anyway.

You will be ok @gtpgurl You're not being judged.. We can't always change something, but we can change the way we look at it!

 

[Echo]

@gtpgurl - not all men look at porn by any means. And you have every right to have your man treat you with respect and not lie to you. It is especially important when this is such a key trigger and element of your abuse. Although my rape and abuse is different to yours, the feelings it leaves you with (i.e. the PTSD) and the terrible self-esteem are common to many of us here. We do need trust in our relationships, we need to be believed and heard and we definitely don't need our partners to lie to us. This must be particularly sensitive for you when you've just had a little baby. I do hope you find a way through this with your partner. He does need to be more respectful.

 

[Echo]

@Barconian - please be a bit sensitive here. I know you mean well, but telling someone to get over it isn't ever going to the right thing to say to someone with PTSD; you must know that from your own experiences.

 

[mytai]

@gtpgurl, I can relate to your feelings around porn. It is actually the thing that caused a huge fight between my ex and I, and then eventually ended our relationship. I caught him watching porn and he knew that some of my abuse stemmed from that, I felt like I wasn't good enough for him and my self-esteem plummeted. I'm sorry that I don't have any suggestions, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your feelings surrounding it.

 

[Echo]

@gtpgurl - I also wanted to say my first big love turned out to be addicted to porn and he was a pathological lier to boot. He also cheated on me repeatedly, of course, with lots of lying. I ended up not knowing which way was up. It was very bad for my self-esteem, but I came to see that the lying was the key issue. His porn addiction was his problem, and had nothing to do with me either. I'm not saying things are this bad with your partner, but I do understand how damaging lying is.

I also wanted to say that none of the men I've had serious relationships with since - 3 of them (I'm 53) - have been interested in porn. They all told me so; I didn't ask, and they all said they preferred real women. And I can testify to the fact that they were 'real men' in every sense!