Finally Have A Sense Of Peace

[TeaLeaf]

I had a very abusive childhood and struggled a lot in my 34 years. I have depression and PTSD and coped with numerous compulsive behaviors, turning off my feelings and falling apart emotionally when I couldn't deal . I have been going to therapy for many, many years and can finally say in the last 6 months that I have started to develop a sense of peace about my life and confidence that things will continue to get better. It's strange waking up in the morning more and more often, feeling ok or even good about my day. I never thought I would have happiness in my life, much less peace.

This past week has been hard both at work and in my relationships but I also feel calm about it, things are not going well but I'm well.

 

[Tanishq]

Congratulations TeaLeaf. Your hard work paid off! May you receive more peace in your life. Thanks for sharing it here. :)

 

[franciemarnie]

I am so glad you feel such peace. Could you share what has helped you most over the years?

 

[TeaLeaf]

One of the things that helped the most were relationships. The foundation of this is long term therapy, I've been seeing my current therapist for about 3 years and I have a really good therapeutic relationship with her, she is able to handle me when I get angry, upset or hopeless. I've been going to therapy for a long time and not every therapist I've had has been able to do that. My husband and I have been together 11 years and married for 5. Him loving me when I couldn't love myself has helped me pull through when I really just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I joined a support group last year for women survivors of trauma and felt like I was able to make real friendships for the first time in my life where I could be myself. Having a good relationship with myself has also helped me heal, I no longer hate myself and can be more gentle with myself when I have a setback.

Moving away from my abusive and dysfunctional family has also been immensely helpful. I'm several thousand miles away from my family now and I started to make significantly more progress 4 years ago when I moved away and cut off contact with my mother. My mother has a personality disorder and hoarding disorder and I've had to accept her limitations. She is not able to accept responsibility, apologize, nor understand what her abuse has done to me so the only way I could continue to heal was to cut off contact until she was able to do those things (which will likely never happen). I have several siblings that I speak with regularly, others not so regularly.

Continuing to push forward and try new things has also helped a lot. Yoga has helped me to have connection with my body and feel my feelings which has been crucial for my happiness, acupuncture has helped release some of the trauma I've stored in my body and helped me sleep better. Had I not tried medication, I may never have known what it was like to feel sort of normal and not controlled by terror and depression. I'm still on a tiny dose of lexapro and I'd like to wean off of it when the time is right. I've read a lot of self help books, the best ones for me were books by Babette Rothschild and Patrick Carnes.

I also have to thank my dissociation and negative coping. Had I not been able to dissociate and turn off my feelings, I might not have survived my childhood and made it through college. Had I not coped by developing an eating disorder, cutting, drinking, shopping excessively, etc, I might have killed myself because of my inability to cope with my feelings.

And this PTSD forum has helped immensely too. Not a lot of people "get" the impact of PTSD but when I am having a hard time, I have often found support here from people who have similar experiences and feelings :)

 

[ashdawn8287]

Aw this makes me SO happy!

I am 2 years in with serious therapy. I love my CBT therapist. I have an EMDR therapist as well, but haven't really needed it. I have been working on safety before I go further. Also, I have a group therapist too, that I just started and love it so far. Also, I LOVE yoga. I am so glad you have that outlet and enjoy it's benefits, it really is incredible. It has helped me SO much with anxiety and fear and finding inner peace. :)

I am glad you moved away, that is something I hope to do one day as well. I live on the outside of my hometown and but it's not where my sexual abuse took place, but it is where physical abuse took place. I have only ran into my abusers a couple of times. They were with there next victims so of course they ignore/d me, which I am thankful for. So I have no threat with that. I know I still have loads of work to do with physical abuse and Monday I have an appointment with my CBT therapist to talk about the abuse, finally. She knows, but we have never gone any further because of me. I need help with it now because I am ready.

I also, have a WONDERFUL man who has supported me and where I am in life with college, therapy, all of that, I could NOT have made it without that support. Yes, we fight, yes we disagree, but we always get through it with best intentions. I rant and rave on here about our relationship because it is my outlet for that. We are getting married a year from today :).

Anyways, I am glad you posted this. It gives everyone hope and encouragement. Keep it up girl! You are doing GREAT!

 

[franciemarnie]

TeaLeaf, that was so beautiful your write up of the ways that best promoted your healing.

Thank you so much for that.

 

[DMerish]

It's refreshing to hear from someone who has been able to accept and appreciate some of their symptoms as mechanisms for their protection, whose healing is progressing, and who seeming has integrated PTSD as a component of themselves.

Your post was inspiring.

Kind regards,
Drew

 

[TeaLeaf]

The kind words and encouragement from everyone were really touching, thank you!

 

[SelfHealer98]

Thanks for you for your words and sharing!

 

[ashdawn8287]

Tea leaf I take it you like tea? lol

I love hot tea!! I started I guess collecting it/drinking it before bed a couple years ago. It relaxes me! So comforting!!