desiderata310
VIP Member
Last couple of days have actually been ...good!
So, my therapy sessions were actually kind of close together:Saturday and Monday. Saturday was all kinds of good with my therapist having read a very intense and angry email from me that has helped to get us on the right track I think. Today just had a different vibe.
Sunday I got sick with a fever and felt really bad and I discovered that being sick is a trigger for me. It triggers feelings of suicide. It was the first time I've ever been able to identify one and actually do something about it- in this case: go to sleep and check myself when I woke up later. I was even able to identify why I had that trigger. It was something that both my therapist and I both felt were amazingly positive things for me.
He wanted to talked about why I was so upset about being triggered in front of people at work and I finally was able to express why it would be terrible: I would be seen as useless in a crisis. AH! understanding finally.
We talked about why I was so embarrassed about being triggered into a flashback front of him in a therapy session. I'm not sure I was able to say what I wanted. I'm still not sure I know fully. I just know it's humiliating. I don't know what I am doing, it feels like he can see what is going on in my head at those moments and I haven't even described those things to him yet. There's more but I couldn't put my finger on it. He got the problem of needing control and the flashback is a complete lack thereof. Still no idea of what to do there.
As a little icing on the cake, we got to spend a moment as just people: I am a huge bike freak and my therapist showed me the full suspension MTB that he is trying to purchase on ebay. (cyclist are cyclist no matter what we do or where we go) And while I am not certain I would ever take him up on the offer, he suggested that he could show me a couple of trails I have yet to ride around the area if I was ever up to it and once I get my MTB rebuilt.
I suggested that he come road biking with me.
It's been really good to be almost trigger free for the last 24 hours.
So, my therapy sessions were actually kind of close together:Saturday and Monday. Saturday was all kinds of good with my therapist having read a very intense and angry email from me that has helped to get us on the right track I think. Today just had a different vibe.
Sunday I got sick with a fever and felt really bad and I discovered that being sick is a trigger for me. It triggers feelings of suicide. It was the first time I've ever been able to identify one and actually do something about it- in this case: go to sleep and check myself when I woke up later. I was even able to identify why I had that trigger. It was something that both my therapist and I both felt were amazingly positive things for me.
He wanted to talked about why I was so upset about being triggered in front of people at work and I finally was able to express why it would be terrible: I would be seen as useless in a crisis. AH! understanding finally.
We talked about why I was so embarrassed about being triggered into a flashback front of him in a therapy session. I'm not sure I was able to say what I wanted. I'm still not sure I know fully. I just know it's humiliating. I don't know what I am doing, it feels like he can see what is going on in my head at those moments and I haven't even described those things to him yet. There's more but I couldn't put my finger on it. He got the problem of needing control and the flashback is a complete lack thereof. Still no idea of what to do there.
As a little icing on the cake, we got to spend a moment as just people: I am a huge bike freak and my therapist showed me the full suspension MTB that he is trying to purchase on ebay. (cyclist are cyclist no matter what we do or where we go) And while I am not certain I would ever take him up on the offer, he suggested that he could show me a couple of trails I have yet to ride around the area if I was ever up to it and once I get my MTB rebuilt.
I suggested that he come road biking with me.
It's been really good to be almost trigger free for the last 24 hours.
