1st day of therapy
Thanks everyone for your support and encouraging words. :Hug_emoticon:
Today was my first day of therapy and I was a wreck. I woke up about an hr before and attempted to get work done before, but my stomach was in so much of a knot that I was useless. I couldn't eat, couldn't write. I ended up going to therapy a little bit early and by the time I got there I was so stressed out I for a split second thought about turning back but wouldn't allow myself.
By the time I entered the office and filled out my forms I was shaking like a leaf. I sat down and my therapist looked at me and asked why it was that I said I have PTSD. So I gave her my story:
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"When I was 15 years old, May 8th, 2004, I had gone out to eat with my parents for Mothers Day, wanting to go on a Friday so as to avoid the Sunday rush. While at dinner by bf called and said that he wanted to see me. By then, almost 8 months into the relationship, I wanted out. I wanted nothing to do with him. He scared me to my core but I was stuck. I agreed to go see a movie with him, selectively not telling him that my parents would also be joining us. We went right across the street to the local movie theatre (I couldn't even tell you the name of the movie if I wanted to, it is lost in mind)
"After the movie was over I agreed to ride home with him, seeing as we lived right near each other. The ride home is gone from my mind all i can recall is that it was a tense trip and I knew I wanted to end our relationship right then and there but I feared for my safety being around him, especially knowing that he was a reckless driver with a very bad temper.
"When he got to my house and jumped out and he responded "I Love You." This wasn't the first time he had said it, but this was the first time that I refused to let myself continue the lie. Refused to tell him that I was feeling something that I wasn't. I didnt love him, I never did and I never would. He repeated himself again and again until I slammed the truck door and walked away. In response he speed off, squealing his tires as a sign of his outrage but I just ignored it and entered the house thinking maybe he got the hint, maybe it was over. But I was oh so wrong.
"As I entered the house and walked into my room, the phone began to ring. It was him. I ignored it. Then he called again. And again. Until finally my father walked into my room with phone in hand and said "just answer the phone so he stops calling" Bad Idea. As I picked up the phone I could hear him sobbing on the other end. "Why didn't you say you loved me" "Do you want this to be over" and on and on he went. I tried to explain to him that I was not going to lie to him and tell him that I loved him and that yes I preferred if it was over. Then he began to go on about not being able to be without me, still sobbing attempting to catch his breath until all of a sudden he seemed to find his voice and with his last words he said "This is what a shotgun sounds like"
"I pulled the phone away from my ear, not wanted to hear what I knew was the end. After a split second I pulled the phone back to my ear and began screaming his name. He was gone. No response what so ever. Just dead air. I got up and ran down the hall rushing past my parents who heard my distress. They followed me as I sprinted out of the house, down the street and around the block. And then his house was in my view. The lights were all on. As I approached the house I could see his mother walking through the kitchen and heading towards the basement, where he lived. A look of shock and disbelief in her eyes. She saw me and my parents barreling towards the house. My father yelled to her "DO NOT go downstairs". She stuttered and stared at me "What happened" she had hear the gun go off, smelled the gunpowder and when she tried to call for help she couldn't. He had never hung up the phone.
"I ran to the neighbors house, still in a sense of disbelief and pleaded with them to call *911. They stared at me like I was crazy. This little 15 yr old girl bothering them during their peaceful friday evening. Not until they saw my father come to my side did they oblige. Soon after the ambulances and cops showed up, but not before all of the gawkers arrived. The neighbors who crept out of there homes to hear the commotion. Asking "What happened" "Whats going on" I stood there in silence. shell shocked. the only thing that would come out was "Why me?!?!" Over and over again all I could think of was "why me."
"I returned to my house with my mother because I did not want to be there when the removed his body. I walked into my mothers bedroom, climbed onto the bed and laid there. An empty shell. Staring off into space completely detached from what was happening around me. All I can remember was the faint glow from the garage that shined into the window, creating an eerie glow in the room.
"Eventually the cops came and asked me what happened. I was the last one to talk to him, What did I say, Why did he do it?! Question after question what seemed like forever but now is a glimpse of a second I sat there and explained my story. Accusingly they looked on. When they left I have no Idea. My sense of time was no longer present. Time stood still. All I remember was the darkness of the night and how I wished that when I woke up in the morning everything would be okay"
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5 1/2 years ago this happened to me, and to this day I can still vividly remember the house. How it looked at night as I ran towards it hoping that what I heard was not true. Now that house is still there, just around the corner. I see it everytime I go home. A chill runs down my spine everytime I check to see if there are any cars coming from that direction before I cross the street.
So needless to say, it is nice to finally get my story off my chest. To know that I am now on a bumpy road that will hopefully tame my emotions and make me feel sane again. & even aside from therapy, I couldn't do it without everyone out there!! Thanks again to this site and everyone that I have spoken with. I'm starting to feel like I am starting to get a sense of control and even my therapist was ecstatic to find out that I joined this forum. So again Thank You :kiss:
