Sexual Assault Finding I Have More Triggers Than I Realised

[-lemurlibs91-]

In the past week or so, I've realised that I have a lot more triggers than I previously thought. Weirdly they seem to be mostly about things around what happened than the actual "thing(s)". I never realised before how completely crippled I am by fear of these objects/situations/words on a daily basis. I normally don't dissociate when I encounter them, whereas I often do when encountering people who look similar etc. but that doesn't mean they don't affect me. I end up kind of stunned...totally bewildered by how I can be scared of inanimate objects that in reality have nothing to do with the actual incidents. I can't get my head round how I feel absolutely nothing about what other people would consider the "worst bit" yet be absolutely devastated at the thought or memory of other parts of the period of time I was dating the guy. My long-term boyfriend can't understand that either, and I totally get why - it doesn't seem to make any sense. But I don't even know how to talk about what happened in actual words, I've been told it counts as legal r*** (at least here in the UK) but I can't say that word, or accept it because I consider it to be my fault for being stupid initially and then going back repeatedly for six months. I don't even think I was really present for most of that time of my life...nor the next 2 years.

One thing in particular that has drawn my attention to these triggers is the amount of jokes on TV etc. and how acceptable it is. It makes me wonder, is it totally normal (as I thought for a long while)? Do people feel indifferent about it, if it manages to be funny? I don't seem to be able to escape it? Every minute/hour there are references or jokes to that sort of thing and it really is a maze to navigate to try and stay present, avoid flashbacks and not get upset!

Does anyone else find that? Sorry I don't know if this really makes much sense, I had to just sort of write what came out as I'm too exhausted to properly construct writing at the moment.

 

[Friday]

Do people feel indifferent about it, if it manages to be funny?

Just touching on humor as a coping mechanism:

The vast majority of jokes are on very serious topics, if you stop and think about it. Cannibalism. Death by anal rape. Superman being a prick when he's drunk (and killing people). Leaving your friend to be eaten by a bear. Having the chance to escape being stranded & dying, and ending up right back where you started because of someone else. Broken hearts. Crushed dreams. Squandered wishes.

In real life, it's not funny when a piano falls 30 stories to smoosh someone. So why is it a joke? Because that's how jokes work. They take the terrible, and add distance. Whether it's losing your childhood heroes, your life, your sanity... Jokes take nightmares, and add laughter. Which is one of the most powerful weapons ever invented.

In point of fact, the more scary & social unacceptable something actually is? The more jokes there will be about it.

It tends to split, in my experience. Those who live the reality day in and out tend to have 10,000 jokes (think cop-humor). Those who've never experienced it, will have a handful. <<< Funny. Not Funny >>> And those who are in the middle of dealing with it, want to tear the throats out of anyone making light.

 

[Freedomfighter]

In the past week or so, I've realised that I have a lot more triggers than I previously thought....

Yeah, often get the exact same situations. And I have to be more and more careful about what triggers me and about the influences from TV as well that can add additional triggers. And then all of a sudden new triggers pop up, as if all the others are not enough already.

After learning more information about my criminal case now I am facing new triggers due to new facts emerging about one particular callous individual.

Somehow gotta get through this.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

The vast majority of jokes are on very serious topics, if you stop and think about it.

I suppose they are, I guess it makes people feel more comfortable with what are often very uncomfortable topics/concepts to consider to be real. I use humour to cope with my eating disorder and OCD a lot - it's how I manage them, it's how I address them with other people and it's how I reduce how upset I get by them, particularly OCD. But for some reason I can't seem to do that with what happened...sometimes I can sort of say things sarcastically...but most of the time I can't even say them out loud let alone laugh about them.

It tends to split, in my experience. Those who live the reality day in and out tend to have 10,000 jokes (think cop-humor). Those who've never experienced it, will have a handful. <<< Funny. Not Funny >>> And those who are in the middle of dealing with it, want to tear the throats out of anyone making light.

Come to think of it....that does make a lot of sense, even in what I've said.....I live the reality of my eating disorder and OCD every day, so I joke about it to cope. But what happened was (thankfully) in the past, even though I am affected by it currently and often experience it as being in the present (in flashbacks etc.).

I guess I am just finding it overwhelming how many jokes there are related to this topic. I'm only really starting to accept that something happened, let alone what happened...and sometimes I just feel like screaming when I see/hear the amount of jokes/references. It's like I want to escape from it as it is, and the world isn't helping me.

After learning more information about my criminal case now I am facing new triggers due to new facts emerging about one particular callous individual.

I'm sorry to hear that, I can imagine that it would be difficult and can make quite a difference to how you're feeling about your case. I hope it gets easier for you.