Dom Violence Finding Love After Abuse

[twinkle30]

I was in an abusive relationship way back when I was in college. After that I dated some but never anything serious. I could never get close to anyone. Well recently I meet a new guy and he is very nice, seems very laid back and calm, stable job, attractive. In short he is a "catch". I am taking things very, very slow and he is matching my pace. My issue is that even though I should be excited I am somehow not.

I mean if I were to put down on paper what I wanted in a guy it is him but I still don't feel anything for him at all. There is no excitement there. I know it is not him and that it has to do with my past abuse. I don't want to just dump him and later on regret it. The only reason I am not feeling butterflies is because in the past when I did that person became very abusive.

So anyways my question is has anyone been able to find a stable, healthy relationship after an abusive one? What are some steps I can take to help get me there? Yes I am already in therapy and support groups.

 

[RussH]

Sometimes we meet someone who is perfect on paper, but there is just not that emotional attraction to them. It does not mean you are damaged and unable to have feelings, it just may mean that he will make a great friend, but not necessarily anything more.

 

[Kefira]

I wish I had a good answer for this but while my relationships have steadily improved with a LOT of self-work I still haven't had one that I would deem "stable and healthy".

What I can say is I analyzed and probably over-analyzed my relationships that have ended and came up with all the signs that I couldn't see at the time. I also have made a really clear list of wants and needs that aren't negotiable. And those have gotten steadily more healthy as I've gone along through this process.

I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this:

The only reason I am not feeling butterflies is because in the past when I did that person became very abusive

. Normally I start to fall for someone and then freak out but I very much understand that block. That said, I agree with @RussH - there's a fine line between simply having no attraction and that attraction being buried because of abuse. Maybe you can do some soul searching and try to see which it really is, or how much potential you see for developing feelings if you can work through some of the fear. I know for me it normally takes a long time to really know.

I'll be watching this thread with interest.

 

[twinkle30]

Well Russ that's the thing he is very attractive so I know the block to me being attracted is my past abuse. In fact for years I thought I was completely asexual.