I've finally gotten the courage to demand healthy interactions from my mother, who suffers from extreme mental illnesses and was abusive to me as a child. My whole life, I have felt guilty and responsible for her happiness. I have downplayed the abuse she doled out while I was growing up because I did not endure the type of abuse she endured at the hands of my grandparents. I have dismissed her hurtful words and actions as symptoms of mental illness that she could not control. Today, no more. I have written her this letter, and I intend to give it to her. I believe she will rip it up, throw it on the floor, and spend the evening cussing and yelling and generally tearing apart her living room. But, that will be her decision, and I am not going to feel responsible for that anymore.
This is the letter:
Dear Mom,
When I came home from hiking with (wife) & (3-year-old son) on Saturday, I saw your text on my phone asking if you could see (son). I didn’t respond right away because I wanted to talk with (wife) to see when a good time would be, and we needed to help (son) settle for a nap and do some things around the house. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t feel that I needed to give an explanation for something like this, except that I received another text from you that evening. The text was sarcastic and mean, and it truly was not welcome during our holiday weekend.
I understand that you feel lonely and that you suffer from depression. And I am sorry that you have to deal with these issues. However, I cannot fix them for you, and neither can my son. When I visited your house recently, you talked quite a bit about wanting to buy a gun and wanting to smoke marijuana. These are topics that you bring up periodically, and I’m not entirely sure what kind of a response you expect from me. When you talk like this, I feel uneasy, and I do not feel that you are a safe person to allow to be alone with (son). Weapons and drugs are not the types of things I would want to be discussed around my son, and they are not things that I want him to be around. If you want a gun, if you want drugs, there are ways to get these things. You can choose what you have in your home, in your conversation, and in your heart.
I wanted to write this down to try to help you understand my point of view. I want to care for you because you are my mother. But, I cannot continue to have a relationship with you if it causes harm to myself and my family. Unfortunately, when you talk about violence, when you talk about drugs, when you say that the best thing anyone ever did for you was when (step dad) died, these things are very offensive and upsetting to me. I find that after we visit, I spend time having to recover from our visit, and I don’t think that’s fair or healthy.
Recently, I tried to explain that sometimes, in order for people to continue to love you, they need to stay away for a while so that they can allow the good memory of you to remain with them. It can be very difficult to love someone when they are saying hurtful things. And so, in order to keep a loving perspective of you, I need to ask that you please do not send hurtful or sarcastic messages to me, and that you please only visit us when you are in a healthy frame of mind. I need to ask that conversations about weapons, drugs, violence, and how much you hate certain people are conversations that you will not have with me, with (wife), or with (son). (Our town) is a kind and open community, and I believe that if you look, you will be able to find a group of people who would be willing to discuss these things with you. I would again suggest that you try to find community, look into clubs, classes, churches, organizations, volunteering, support groups, and other ways to find the emotional support that you need, because our little family cannot possibly give you everything that you need. And when your moods and conversations are volatile, we unfortunately can only provide support from afar.
I love you Mom, and I hope that you will understand where I am coming from.
Me.
This is the letter:
Dear Mom,
When I came home from hiking with (wife) & (3-year-old son) on Saturday, I saw your text on my phone asking if you could see (son). I didn’t respond right away because I wanted to talk with (wife) to see when a good time would be, and we needed to help (son) settle for a nap and do some things around the house. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t feel that I needed to give an explanation for something like this, except that I received another text from you that evening. The text was sarcastic and mean, and it truly was not welcome during our holiday weekend.
I understand that you feel lonely and that you suffer from depression. And I am sorry that you have to deal with these issues. However, I cannot fix them for you, and neither can my son. When I visited your house recently, you talked quite a bit about wanting to buy a gun and wanting to smoke marijuana. These are topics that you bring up periodically, and I’m not entirely sure what kind of a response you expect from me. When you talk like this, I feel uneasy, and I do not feel that you are a safe person to allow to be alone with (son). Weapons and drugs are not the types of things I would want to be discussed around my son, and they are not things that I want him to be around. If you want a gun, if you want drugs, there are ways to get these things. You can choose what you have in your home, in your conversation, and in your heart.
I wanted to write this down to try to help you understand my point of view. I want to care for you because you are my mother. But, I cannot continue to have a relationship with you if it causes harm to myself and my family. Unfortunately, when you talk about violence, when you talk about drugs, when you say that the best thing anyone ever did for you was when (step dad) died, these things are very offensive and upsetting to me. I find that after we visit, I spend time having to recover from our visit, and I don’t think that’s fair or healthy.
Recently, I tried to explain that sometimes, in order for people to continue to love you, they need to stay away for a while so that they can allow the good memory of you to remain with them. It can be very difficult to love someone when they are saying hurtful things. And so, in order to keep a loving perspective of you, I need to ask that you please do not send hurtful or sarcastic messages to me, and that you please only visit us when you are in a healthy frame of mind. I need to ask that conversations about weapons, drugs, violence, and how much you hate certain people are conversations that you will not have with me, with (wife), or with (son). (Our town) is a kind and open community, and I believe that if you look, you will be able to find a group of people who would be willing to discuss these things with you. I would again suggest that you try to find community, look into clubs, classes, churches, organizations, volunteering, support groups, and other ways to find the emotional support that you need, because our little family cannot possibly give you everything that you need. And when your moods and conversations are volatile, we unfortunately can only provide support from afar.
I love you Mom, and I hope that you will understand where I am coming from.
Me.
