Finding Your Self

[Upside Down Eagle]

I bet a whole lot of you can identify with the following to some degree, especially those who have childhood trauma and abusive parents.

(insert screaming parent or elder here) "if you don't do such and so, I will teach you to do it!". Teaching in this case meant education through a system of severe beatings.

So, the "Self", at least the part of us that had an own opinion, was annihilated. It was punished and told that being who you are is absolutely not done, and also that it would not be loved under any circumstance.

I developed a habit of being scared to death of what everybody could possibly think of me, thinking that my every move would cause them to hate me. I grew up some more and quite some years later I realized: hey, I don't care. If these people don't love me, they're not worth it.

Still having trouble finding my Self though, particularly my own opinion. Whenever people start talking in terms of "you should" (should go to the party, should come to the club) and come up with light threats (if you don't go, this and that will happen), I start to feel tense and defensive. I am so filled with this feeling of being pressured into something, that I can't feel anymore what I actually want.

What's your experience with this?
Did you find your own voice?

 

[Tanishq]

I grew up like that during school time and also bad parents. Not to mention other people. It was horrible for me, I couldn't find myself nor be myself. Rarely I was myself. I was myself when I was playing, being in nature. Now I am trying to find where is nature there I can find myself.

hey, I don't care. If these people don't love me, they're not worth it.

Yes, like you said this I don't care about this negative people. I am like this at the moment.

Yes, I do relate to that being scared to everything. I still get scared of little worry or anything which seems to problem for me. I wish people were lenient on us, but this is just the world. Right now I am working on how to put this all aside. This memories are worst and never help us.

Still having trouble finding my Self though, particularly my own opinion. Whenever people start talking in terms of "you should" (should go to the party, should come to the club) and come up with light threats (if you don't go, this and that will happen), I start to feel tense and defensive. I am so filled with this feeling of being pressured into something, that I can't feel anymore what I actually want.

Yes, this also don't work. There is a pic in media library of this forums which says something like this: Never go for "life is supposed to be this way". It is a way to mess up big things of your life.

I agree with this pic. Long ago I saw it. I don't know if it is there or not.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Yep, I can relate. Making even little decisions is a nightmare. Even things that shouldn't matter because really no one else is likely to pay attention. So I am still struggling to find my own voice. To help with that, when I realize I have made a decision with relative ease, I try to celebrate it and point it out to myself.

 

[Tanishq]

Making even little decisions is a nightmare.

same here. I think it is very difficult for us because our mind isn't clear with thoughts.

 

[RussH]

My parents were not abusive, but my dad could have certainly done things a lot better, like not comparing me to my older brother who was the A student and the top-notch athlete.
However, my abuse did start in childhood and into my teenage years, and there are times I don't really know who I am. I lost a part of myself, so I wonder who I really am.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

... and come up with light threats (if you don't go, this and that will happen), I start to feel tense and defensive.

Okay, I can see how it is "normal" to invite people somewhere by saying "you should come with us" or something like that, but as soon as someone starts even the tiniest threat I think they have gone too far. Threats, no matter how light, are not acceptable. So it is perfectly normal that you feel tense and defensive. In fact, it would be more strange if you didn't get defensive at something like that!

I'm really glad you've learned that you deserve to be loved, and if people don't then it's their loss. That is such a great step, especially taking into account the circumstances you were raised in. You are very strong for fighting back like this and you can be very proud of that!

I do know what you mean about not knowing who your "real self" is and what that "self" wants in life. I'm still looking for my "real self", too. What might help is to take time for yourself, to take a break from everything and just reflect upon how you feel. If you feel happy, let yourself feel it and try to find out what made you feel that way. Same thing goes for when you are angry, sad, excited or frustrated. Perhaps even write down what kind of things make you happy or sad, things that make you especially angry and things that frustrate you, things that scare you and things that make you feel better about yourself. Because, in reality, aren't these the things that make you, you?

So far I've learned that I love shopping and working out, but I get very frustrated when things go slower than I want them to. I absolutely hate insects, but I love animals that I can cuddle with. I get scared when I walk the streets alone and I get angry at any form of injustice. I like to be with friends that I have a good connection with, but I also need some time alone a few times a day. I really don't like doing the dishes, but if I listen and sing along to good music it is much more fun.

Your turn :)

 

[Hydrotroop91]

Yeah this is something that I still struggle with. I know more what others want from me than I do myslef. It sucks. I always feel like I have to do everything people ask. And it wears me out. Slowly learning to filter out but it is hard.

 

[Weremonks]

I'm in the same boat as @RussH about my parents not really abusing me but comparing me to my older brother who got a 4.0 and played 5 sports on the varsity or junior varsity level. Plus they also tried to push their dreams onto me because I was more mature than he was and they knew that if I argued it wouldn't be a big thing to deal with. This has left me without a sense of "self" or will (always being told where you're going, being told what to do, what to wear). These past two years have gotten a lot better since I started therapy and have had several sessions where I can be completely open with them about how I feel, without them interrupting me or making it feel like my emotions are being invalidated. Even though things have gotten better, I don't have a "real self". I know I get upset/frustrated when people joke about things like sex, sexual assault, or women's rights, but I don't have the confidence or true sense of "self" to confront them with what I really think. With college just starting for me though, I'm hopeful I'll be able to create a strong image for my self.

 

[scout86]

My T was talking about a variation on this the other day. He came at it from a different angle, and for different reasons

Near as I can tell,I decided early on (like pre-school), that no one was going to love me, I was never going to do anything "right", or good enough, so I basically quit trying to please anyone but myself. I convinced myself that I didn't need anyone else anyway, and went on from there. Now, that doesn't mean my self esteem is all that great. I also was sure "everyone" felt contempt for me because I deserved it. I don't have any problems making decisions at all, thought. At least not if I don't have to answer to anyone else for the consequences. (Don't always make GOOD ones, but that's another matter.)

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yeah, I think it makes sense that you'd also develop some kind of damaged self, or absence from self, in the face of verbal abuse or constant comparison. I can definitely see how that would scar a developing kid or teenager as well. It even scars adults who had a perfectly normal childhood, I daresay.

The thing with figuring out who you are (which seems like an essential part of our mission here, on this planet), is that it is hard to do regardless of circumstances. I find that it takes an incredibly strong will and a lot of courage to let go of thoughts "oh dear what will they think". Also my experience is that it is difficult because in the end, some people will be disappointed. If you choose yourself, you will disappoint somebody or another eventually. They'll feel hurt or pushed aside (like my abusers when I refused to see them).

as soon as someone starts even the tiniest threat I think they have gone too far.

For me the things they say feel like a threat, but I don't think they intend it in that way. For example, yesterday I was in between a social tug-of-war. For which I am grateful because it means people care about me and they want to involve me. One side wanted me to go to a rave and said, "you must go to the rave, because it is only once a year". The other side wanted me to go to the club. "You must come to the club because otherwise people will see you as an introvert".

So these are not really threats, but they feel suffocating to me, because my brain immediately feels some kind of responsibility to comply with both parties. In the end I did neither because I felt obliged to do both at the same time, but couldn't feel what I wanted for myself. Thanks for the tips though ;) I take a lot off time off, specially when in situations like yesterday. I write down every single thing I feel, most days. Your strategy of discovering yourself is a very good one, I try to do that too, but there will still be moments in which I lose myself again.

I always feel like I have to do everything people ask. And it wears me out. Slowly learning to filter out but it is hard.

Yeah same here. I always develop an incredible grudge when I get that feeling that I have to comply. So I get stuck in the grudge, instead of being able to feel what I actually want to do!

I know I get upset/frustrated when people joke about things like sex, sexual assault, or women's rights, but I don't have the confidence or true sense of "self" to confront them with what I really think. With college just starting for me though, I'm hopeful I'll be able to create a strong image for my self.

You will develop the confidence :) College was frustrating for me, but it did very much help in shaping my own opinion, and it gave me the words to express it. It's a good boost!

 

[Malaenis]

This is something I've been wondering a lot lately! I was abused from the time I was 2, by both parents. I grew up constantly being what others wanted me to be, but always felt so wrong doing that because it wasn't me. I have made a lot of progress since cutting ties with my family. But still wonder which parts are me, and which are still lingering because of who I used to be? And how do others work through this to find who they are? For those of us that missed out on the kid stage of this self exploration.

What might help is to take time for yourself, to take a break from everything and just reflect upon how you feel. If you feel happy, let yourself feel it and try to find out what made you feel that way. Same thing goes for when you are angry, sad, excited or frustrated. Perhaps even write down what kind of things make you happy or sad, things that make you especially angry and things that frustrate you, things that scare you and things that make you feel better about yourself. Because, in reality, aren't these the things that make you, you?

I love this suggestion. And was thinking of trying something like this.

to let go of thoughts "oh dear what will they think". Also my experience is that it is difficult because in the end, some people will be disappointed. If you choose yourself, you will disappoint somebody or another eventually. They'll feel hurt or pushed aside (like my abusers when I refused to see them).

I get this. Growing up I was labeled as selfish if I chose to take care of myself, and my mom was a doormat for everyone. I know that's not me, because my whole life a part of me fought against it. Like I know, no, this isn't right. But it's still difficult, especially when it comes to friends. I often find myself saying yes to everything, and being there for everyone 24/7. Which drained me. On top of that is figuring out when they want to do things, are you saying yes to make them happy, because you're scared of losing a friend, or because this is something that you truly want to do?