What to do when your brain is lying to you/ is your enemy (for example: eating disorders, addiction, ideation, self-harm)

[Ecdysis]

I'm currently in a situation where my brain wants/ craves something that is technically in my own worst interest. In my case it's suicidal ideation. My brain literally *wants* this and I have no idea what to do about it.

The only parallels I can think of are for example, eating disorders, self-harm or addictions. Where in both cases, the brain craves what is obviously harmful for and not in the best interests of the individual. But the brain craves it anyway.

Maybe I'm lucky to have never struggled with an urge to self-harm before in my entire life, until this ideation started up. I guess I should feel "lucky" about that, that this has previously passed me by. I don't know how lucky I feel about it tho...

Right now it just sucks to feel like my brain is the enemy/ the opponent and is seeking to harm me and I have no experience in dealing with it and don't know what to do. Do I yell at it to shut up? Try to ignore it? Does it go away eventually? Do you have to deal with it in a more nuanced and detailed way?

 

[Rose White]

Do you have to deal with it in a more nuanced and detailed way

I think this. And kind of like a suite of “tricks.”

I did get my SI into remission though it is back—but not as bad.

Of course you have to develop your own techniques.

Some that help, and which can be used with actual people who behave in a kind of hysterical way, are “broken record” and “grey rock”. Also humor and creativity are a way of sort of shifting the coordinates.

First of all, remember that noticing it is a painful, long, and difficult first step—which you are already doing. You’ve already started to situate yourself as someone who notices. You are calling it “my brain.” It might be helpful to think of it as only *part* of your brain (since your brain is also behind the noticer as well.)

For me it helped to think of the SI as a kind of tantruming child. It is saying (loudly), “I don’t want (something)!” And demanding a response to its anxiety.

So… since it is a like a child, one thing I had to figure when SI rose was… am I hungry or tired? Those still play a factor for me since I tend to restrict eating when I feel stressed.

Then… what is the thing the part is attempting to evade? Typically a *feeling*, often linked to a thought. So it can help to sort of *guide* the system (the way a T or caring parent would) to say, “I feel (anxious, angry, sad, etc) about (name it if possible.)”

But sometimes the SI just gets stuck on a loop that feels incessant and constant. Now the quick coping responses. “Broken record” would be meeting every single SI thought with something like, “No, that’s not going to happen. No, not today.” Just calmly and repetitively. This is where having enough food and rest helps. And when you take the role of the caring adult it supports you seeing that you can give yourself that presence.

I remember someone on here said they used visual symbols. When the SI came up they would visualize a red stop sign or stop light.

The way I used humor and creativity was that I learned there is a word in Gaelic called “kell”—which means something like a monk’s cell where they go in the forest to contemplate. And when I heard the SI say, “kill yourself” or “just kill me” I would say, “Yes, I would like to kell myself, to live in a little hut in the woods would be amazing—great idea!” Or shortened, “Yes, Kell myself, sounds great!” And it was almost like the part would respond with a groan and an eye roll. I have a super clear memory of when I tried that because of the reaction I got in my system.

Another one is when it got *really* bad—where I was in a kind of rapid-fire spiral, collapsed on the floor—calling the crisis line, to let my system know that I wouldn’t let the SI part hijack me and I was willing to talk to professionals. I always started the call that I was having passive SI, was not active or having a plan, but it was really troubling me and I just wanted to talk it out.

You are not alone in this struggle but it’s very brave of you to reach out and wonder if there is another way.

Oh, by the way, my SI is back because of the stress of being in a relationship but it doesn’t have the weight of before. There’s a little bit of distance and it’s fairly straightforward for me to say, “No we’re not going to do that” every time. I still have to counter it though.

And you know what? All these techniques for SI? Are pretty similar to techniques I have to use for other thought spirals that parts of me try to drop into. Yes it’s exhausting and frustrating. But facing it and countering (with anchors) seems to be the main effective way to shift thought patterns.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

For me, looking at the “why”s helps. We don’t want maladaptive things for no reason, there’s always some form of root cause. Often there is a need or something we’ve learnt and it’s all twisted wrong / found the harmful way to meet it. We got knocked about into the wrong directions by traumas and such. Doesn’t always lead to fixing it, really, but helps to have a more empathetic perspective on it.
“It’s OK to feel like this, now let’s do something else/different/better” Instead of a self-antagonistic or punishing perspective, for wanting the harmful things. I like to be curious but firm, I suppose. I’ll try and unpick it and be empathetic towards it, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to do it. My vice is self-punishment, apparently. I’m trying hard to keep my determination to do the nurturing stuff, instead of the punishing stuff; I don’t always keep to it, but having my default be “I am going to do x” has helped. Has stopped me from neglecting myself as much as I would have done.

 

[Sideways]

I used ACT with my suicidal ideation. Acknowledging the thoughts mindfully (there they are again!), and then reinvesting in the moment in front of me.

It didn’t stop the thoughts happening short term, but it definitely made it easier to coexist with them while my depressive episode passed.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thank you for your thoughtful insights

I do feel like I'm starting to make a bit of sense of all this and it feels like a relief... If I know what type of problem I'm facing, I can better work out what to actually do about it.

I think I might try the acknowledging thing and just make notes in my diary of where the ideation is at, several times a day. I think I've been so busy trying to "make it go away" that accepting that ideation is simply present right now and that it will be a longer term effort to overcome it, hasn't really been happening.

I talked to the AI about it too today and I think I need to compassionately accept that as you guys have pointed out, the brain/ soul/ subconscious doesn't choose such self-destructive, self-harming options unless it's gone through something terrible and tried all other available options and then chosen self-harm as a desperate last option. It's a reaction to pain that feels unmanageable or unsurvivable.

So, the reaction is understandable and even, in a weird back-to-front way, healthy in essence.

I guess I'm going to have to accept that it's going to be a long slough and a complicated journey to get out of this space and into a better one.

I must say that things finally coming to a head this badly with the ideation has been interesting. I think I've spoken to about 15 people about how badly suicidal I am right now over the last 2 weeks, which has been a revelation. I'd normally not do that, cos I don't want to burden people with it unnecessarily. And previously, any ideation that would briefly arise was something that me, my T and my pdoc would manage relatively smoothly and that would be that. But this time, everyone's been stumped and had no idea how to fix this so I've had to move far outside my comfort zone and talk to a lot of people about how suicidal I am. They've almost all been good conversations, to their credit and to mine. And it feels very different to not be "hiding" it from so many people in my life. I guess I figured that if I didn't get out of my comfort zone and start talking to people about it, then it wouldn't matter much whether I found it uncomfortable or embarrassing cos I'd end up dead and then things being embarrassing or uncomfortable is rather irrelevant.

Thank you for being some of the people that have allowed me to speak about it and to have held a space for these conversations

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I for one am glad you have spoken to people and managed to find something that works for you.

Never give up.

 

[Mach123]

I love this one. I’ve spent years now trying to roll back behavior and telling myself I’m doing better. I had to let someone else in. This is really hard . I had to tell someone what I was doing. I feel the dynamic in my head just trying to write it down. I just feel like I have to do it myself I can’t tell anyone but this thinking is tied back to the trauma imo. It’s not a good place to be alone . I had therapists for years I couldn’t talk about this . For me it’s about medication mostly. But I’ve often times thought it’s all self harm at the end of the day .

 

[Friday]

I am VERY good, and very practiced, at ignoring myself.

Consider it like this… how much do you WANT a million dollars, or a boat, or a good nights sleep? Just because you WANT a thing? Doesn’t make it magically appear. You have to act. Even then? Too many variables to list. Neither wanting, nor actions, guarantee a thing. You can work towards a thing your whole life, or for 2 minutes, and have it swept away. But you WANT it? Action it. Or don’t.

Actioning a want?

Maybe that action is a 9-5 M-F job for 50 years.
Maybe that action is robbing a bank.
But WANTING a thing? Doesn’t make it happen. We do.

I WANTED to kill my exhusband, every day, for 9 years. I had to decide, over and over again, every single darn day, not to.
I’ve WANTED to kill myself, off and on, for over 20 years.
I WANT a kraken yacht, an island, and stables, and mountains to snowboard down, and self sufficient living, and, and, and, and.

WANTING a thing?

Doesn’t make it happen.

Deciding to do it, does… make it POSSIBLE. Not guaranteed. Shit happens.

 

[Avocado]

Remembering that ‘it’s a feeling and like any other feeling, it will pass in time’ works for me. Corny but true.

Will weaponize the sometimes healthy coping mechanism of restriction.
Works well for me and feels nice to build the willpower to self-deny s/h tendencies.

This technique has aided me for years.
Now to start working on applying the same logic to external triggers.
Easier said than done.

 

[FMCA]

for me it’s an addiction to something I know is hurting my body and I need to stop. Previously when I stopped I tried to remember it’s the fear of not having it which is the issue and once you realise it’s just the fear of not having it, it’s easier to deal with..

 

[DSkyler]

Those deep protective mechanisms of our system not to experience pain puts things in my head. Addiction, not doing things that are good for me. I'm constantly having to relearn and fight the triggers-only now through EMDR therapy am I uncovering the hurt and rewiring. That primal brain is all powerful and needs to be brought on side. It's not straightforward-and I am bored of things not changing quicker.

I used ACT with my suicidal ideation. Acknowledging the thoughts mindfully (there they are again!), and then reinvesting in the moment in front of me.

I like this. I am trying to acknowledge my addiction without responding to it. It makes it easier than pretending and deceiving myself.

Remembering that ‘it’s a feeling and like any other feeling, it will pass in time’ works for me. Corny but true.

I hope to get used to this one. I can tolerate the trigger feelings more and focus on how good I feel when I do't respond to it.