Hi everyone,
My name is Allie and I am going to be turning 24 in the next week. I decided to join this group to help me manage and discuss some of my behaviours and symptoms that have resulted from PTSD caused by long-term abuse.
I grew up in a small city living with my parents and my older brother who has some pretty serious MH issues. He was diagnosed with several MH disorders including bipolar, boarderline personality, and ADHD. Because of his issues growing up, my parents had to attend to him most of the time so I spent most of my childhood on my own. I liked to do things alone like crafts and reading because they kept me busy and I never really realized it could be any other way. As my parents aged, they became sick with various diseases. I believe that the stress took a physical toll on their bodies and because of it, they aged very prematurely. My dad was injured in a workplace accident when I was about ten and ever since then, he has been a very unhappy person. He was very controlling in the home and always very angry and strict. I was emotionally abused and had to watch my mom be controlled and emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused by my father from a very young age. I would dissociate by playing independently in my bedroom. It eventually seemed normal.
I developed into a pretty average teenager but never really had a lot of friends. Partly because I never felt like I fit in with people but also partially by choice. During my teens, I watched my older brother become heavily involved in drugs and he eventually ran away and became homeless. I began to lose respect for my mom for not defending me when I would try to stick up to my dad. My life was very sheltered. I was not allowed to hang out with friends outside of school and I definitely wasn't allowed to date boys. When I was finally 17, I began to secretly see a boy that I liked at my school. To make a long (and emotionally painful) story short, we ended up dating for about 4 years on and off and he emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. I will not get into specific details at this time about the abuse, as it is still very painful to talk about.
January of this year, the depression became too much. I had gone off my meds for good (I was on celexa and seroquil to treat depression and auditory hallucinations) in January and my depression symptoms worsened by about 100%. I was ready to kill myself because I couldn't live with what had happened to me. I began to see a therapist on regular basis to try and improve my condition and was diagnosed with PTSD due to the many years of abuse I had endured. I told my partner I wanted to kill myself and admitted myself into the MH ward of a hospital. I lost my job in the spring after I believe my employers were frustrated with my time off for appointments and could also see that I was unhappy at my job (my co-workers-that were once my friends-iced me and ignored me when I shared that I was depressed and felt suicidal). I spent the summer getting healthy and going to therapy and taking on PT work again very slowly.
I don't really have many friends because I tend to shy back when people want to be close to me because I get overwhelmed. I'm okay with not having a lot of friends. I cannot have a relationship with my brother because I cannot trust him. He will spontaneously get mad at me or accuse me of doing or saying things I haven't done and he has also stolen from myself and other family members. I speak to my parents usually once a week. My dad and I only started talking again since last year when he suffered a heart attack and apologized for the shitty childhood he provided. He tries to reach out and sometimes I am nice back but I usually just ignore him because I know him to be very inconsistent (loving father one minute and completely ignoring me or yelling at me the next). My mom frustrates me because I know he is still controlling her in his own way and she doesn't see that the relationship is maintained by the cycle of abuse.
My life has had some pretty fantastic highs as well, don't get me wrong. I completed high school and went on to complete a diploma at college (won an award for the highest GPA in my program!) and am going back again to school next year to get a second diploma and a degree. I hope to open my own business one day. I am now out of that abusive relationship and dating a man who loves and cares for me and I love back. He is patient and kind and treats me with respect, and I try my best to be just as wonderful back to him. I have a cat that I love and live in a beautiful apartment with my boyfriend and I love my jobs. Others describe me as loving, sincere, friendly, and caring but I don't feel that way inside.
I should be happy but I just feel so broken most of the time. My life is improving better now that I do not live with my dad anymore and I am not in an abusive relationship but the abuse that I endured forever haunts me. I know it will never go away. My emotions are embarrasingly intense. When I feel sad, it weighs heavily on me for long periods of time. When I'm anxious, I experience panic attacks that leave me feeling childish and silly afterward and when I'm mad, I yell and make impulsive decisions that are overly-emotionally charged. I always feel paranoid and get scared very easily. Mostly of men. Sometimes I find myself acting controlling like my father and sometimes I find that I too quickly take a victim-role in situations and I think it's good that I can acknowledge those things but sometimes being that self-aware feels like a curse. The worst part is, instead of being productive when I am unhappy, I turn in to child-Allie. I dissociate by going into my bedroom and doing a mindless activity. I sometimes feel afraid to leave my bedroom because I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. I was going to hot yoga for a long time and going to the gym and it felt really, really good but I can't seem to motivate myself to get back again, even though I know it will make me feel good. I smoke marijuana on a nightly basis and find that it helps calm me down and stimulate my appetite (which is good because I often skip meals because I don't feel hungry).
I wish I could just move on and feel healthy and happy because I don't want to get sick from the stress like my parents. I feel like when I'm happy, it doesn't last long because something will remind me of the trauma that I endured and then I fall into a long and deep depression. I hate my past. I just wish I could destroy it and pretend that I never heard my dad say the things he did to me and forget about the things my ex did and said to me but I just can't let it go. I'm afraid that continuing a life the way I am now will drive my partner away and make me a terrible mother one day and a horrible friend and worker.
I hope that joining this group will give me a place where I can feel safe to talk about my feelings and thoughts with people that might understand my experience and I hope that my message will make others feel like they are not alone either. I am grateful to be alive after my trauma and keep hoping that if I just keep holding on and living and going to therapy, one day I might be able to accept that it is over and I am finally safe and my body and mind do not need to panic anymore.
WOW that took me what felt like forever to type and I'm not sure if it's good or bad or normal that I am crying uncontrollably now but I'll just have to go with it.
My name is Allie and I am going to be turning 24 in the next week. I decided to join this group to help me manage and discuss some of my behaviours and symptoms that have resulted from PTSD caused by long-term abuse.
I grew up in a small city living with my parents and my older brother who has some pretty serious MH issues. He was diagnosed with several MH disorders including bipolar, boarderline personality, and ADHD. Because of his issues growing up, my parents had to attend to him most of the time so I spent most of my childhood on my own. I liked to do things alone like crafts and reading because they kept me busy and I never really realized it could be any other way. As my parents aged, they became sick with various diseases. I believe that the stress took a physical toll on their bodies and because of it, they aged very prematurely. My dad was injured in a workplace accident when I was about ten and ever since then, he has been a very unhappy person. He was very controlling in the home and always very angry and strict. I was emotionally abused and had to watch my mom be controlled and emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused by my father from a very young age. I would dissociate by playing independently in my bedroom. It eventually seemed normal.
I developed into a pretty average teenager but never really had a lot of friends. Partly because I never felt like I fit in with people but also partially by choice. During my teens, I watched my older brother become heavily involved in drugs and he eventually ran away and became homeless. I began to lose respect for my mom for not defending me when I would try to stick up to my dad. My life was very sheltered. I was not allowed to hang out with friends outside of school and I definitely wasn't allowed to date boys. When I was finally 17, I began to secretly see a boy that I liked at my school. To make a long (and emotionally painful) story short, we ended up dating for about 4 years on and off and he emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. I will not get into specific details at this time about the abuse, as it is still very painful to talk about.
January of this year, the depression became too much. I had gone off my meds for good (I was on celexa and seroquil to treat depression and auditory hallucinations) in January and my depression symptoms worsened by about 100%. I was ready to kill myself because I couldn't live with what had happened to me. I began to see a therapist on regular basis to try and improve my condition and was diagnosed with PTSD due to the many years of abuse I had endured. I told my partner I wanted to kill myself and admitted myself into the MH ward of a hospital. I lost my job in the spring after I believe my employers were frustrated with my time off for appointments and could also see that I was unhappy at my job (my co-workers-that were once my friends-iced me and ignored me when I shared that I was depressed and felt suicidal). I spent the summer getting healthy and going to therapy and taking on PT work again very slowly.
I don't really have many friends because I tend to shy back when people want to be close to me because I get overwhelmed. I'm okay with not having a lot of friends. I cannot have a relationship with my brother because I cannot trust him. He will spontaneously get mad at me or accuse me of doing or saying things I haven't done and he has also stolen from myself and other family members. I speak to my parents usually once a week. My dad and I only started talking again since last year when he suffered a heart attack and apologized for the shitty childhood he provided. He tries to reach out and sometimes I am nice back but I usually just ignore him because I know him to be very inconsistent (loving father one minute and completely ignoring me or yelling at me the next). My mom frustrates me because I know he is still controlling her in his own way and she doesn't see that the relationship is maintained by the cycle of abuse.
My life has had some pretty fantastic highs as well, don't get me wrong. I completed high school and went on to complete a diploma at college (won an award for the highest GPA in my program!) and am going back again to school next year to get a second diploma and a degree. I hope to open my own business one day. I am now out of that abusive relationship and dating a man who loves and cares for me and I love back. He is patient and kind and treats me with respect, and I try my best to be just as wonderful back to him. I have a cat that I love and live in a beautiful apartment with my boyfriend and I love my jobs. Others describe me as loving, sincere, friendly, and caring but I don't feel that way inside.
I should be happy but I just feel so broken most of the time. My life is improving better now that I do not live with my dad anymore and I am not in an abusive relationship but the abuse that I endured forever haunts me. I know it will never go away. My emotions are embarrasingly intense. When I feel sad, it weighs heavily on me for long periods of time. When I'm anxious, I experience panic attacks that leave me feeling childish and silly afterward and when I'm mad, I yell and make impulsive decisions that are overly-emotionally charged. I always feel paranoid and get scared very easily. Mostly of men. Sometimes I find myself acting controlling like my father and sometimes I find that I too quickly take a victim-role in situations and I think it's good that I can acknowledge those things but sometimes being that self-aware feels like a curse. The worst part is, instead of being productive when I am unhappy, I turn in to child-Allie. I dissociate by going into my bedroom and doing a mindless activity. I sometimes feel afraid to leave my bedroom because I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. I was going to hot yoga for a long time and going to the gym and it felt really, really good but I can't seem to motivate myself to get back again, even though I know it will make me feel good. I smoke marijuana on a nightly basis and find that it helps calm me down and stimulate my appetite (which is good because I often skip meals because I don't feel hungry).
I wish I could just move on and feel healthy and happy because I don't want to get sick from the stress like my parents. I feel like when I'm happy, it doesn't last long because something will remind me of the trauma that I endured and then I fall into a long and deep depression. I hate my past. I just wish I could destroy it and pretend that I never heard my dad say the things he did to me and forget about the things my ex did and said to me but I just can't let it go. I'm afraid that continuing a life the way I am now will drive my partner away and make me a terrible mother one day and a horrible friend and worker.
I hope that joining this group will give me a place where I can feel safe to talk about my feelings and thoughts with people that might understand my experience and I hope that my message will make others feel like they are not alone either. I am grateful to be alive after my trauma and keep hoping that if I just keep holding on and living and going to therapy, one day I might be able to accept that it is over and I am finally safe and my body and mind do not need to panic anymore.
WOW that took me what felt like forever to type and I'm not sure if it's good or bad or normal that I am crying uncontrollably now but I'll just have to go with it.
