First Real Date Since Trauma

[deleted]

I've been out causally with guys a few times before but I'm going on my first real date Tuesday with guy that I met and started talking to on Tinder. He's so sweet and puts me completely at ease when I'm talking to him. We have FaceTimed before but this will be out first time meeting in person.

He knows I was raped and that there's no way I am hooking up with him and he is so understanding. The thing that worries me is being touched and touching him. While I feel so comfortable talking to him, I'm afraid that when I meet him in person he'll trigger me. He doesnt know that I have PTSD and I dont know why I am so afraid to tell him that I do. Maybe its a fear of disappointing him or scaring him off?

We've been talking about doing oral to each other in place of regular sex and I basically told him that I would blow him after the date was over but I don't know if I have the strength to make it through that or if I should just cancel the date all together. I don't even know if I can make it through the first kiss let alone do that. The difference this time is that there is a part of me that actually does want to do it really badly. I want to be able to do this and have a normal sexual life at some point and I have to start somewhere right?

What do I do?

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe this sounds extreme but I am encouraging you to cancel your date.

You've already laid the groundwork for being a sure thing in the first date. I don't really believe that relationships-----quality relationships for those of us who are sexual abuse/rape survivors should start out on a sexual basis like this. (The blowjob is the sure thing-----a guy may oftentimes say he's ok with "just" a blowjob but dollars to donuts he'll want more.)

Agreeing to blow him on the first date does not mesh with him understanding that you won't hook up with him.

Agreeing to blow strangers you meet on tinder is not the way to start a normal sexual life IMHO.

Please cancel. It's really concerning that you're willing to go to a private place with a stranger. I fear that you may end up retraumatized in the worst way.

The truth is that you don't really know this guy, right? Guys can and do lie just to get sex. I think if you want quality relationships then sex should be put off until later. And tinder is pretty much known as a sex/hook up app so I don't think that's a good place to be looking for quality men who don't want sex right away.

 

[Ronin]

Maybe its a fear of disappointing him or scaring him off?

No dear. If you're going? Worry about YOU being disappointed or scared off ... and remember 'scared off' is a good thing, trusting yourself is.

Saying something over the internet doesn't a promise make, and these things are not something you can know of until you've met in real life - chemistry working with one another I mean - and seconding Eve on yeah, he might be a nice guy, but he might also be only interested in sex and willing to put up masks for as long he needs to get there - so be careful.

You don't owe him anything. Attention, responses, let alone anything more than that.
'Normal sexual life' isn't your goal, either. Normal life is. And that thing takes years or decades. So no rush, you'll get there.

 

[illusionist]

Having a fantasy conversation with someone you talk to on the internet, and actually meeting and turning it into reality, is something completely different, as you realise. I'd cancel and learn from experience....keep sex chat for someone you know for sure, is worthy of the reality.

 

[desiderata310]

Ooh. Yeah I agree with @EveHarrington

 

[mrsps]

If there is sex talk before you have even met, then it sounds to me like he is only after sex not a relationship. Please be careful

 

[Friday]

I'm a huge fan of sex on the first date. Even sex before the first date. (I'm quirky like that; historically I tend to sleep with someone, then -if they're still interesting- date them or become friends with them.). Although there have been quite a few cases where our first date is fairly classic first time spending time together. When that's the case? I tend to goodbye kiss at the beginning to save any awkwardness later :D, (never been a fan of awkwardness!) whether we sleep together or not. The only people I didn't sleep with off the bat were both abusive as hell. Which is probably less bad luck, much less trend, and more that I vet people better naked ;)

All that said?

No way in hell would I blow a guy I didn't want to out of obligation. Nor kiss them. Nor f*ck them senseless. Nor even sit through a meal.

I don't owe them anything.

There is no debt.

Period.

((Hell, if someone thinks they should need to be paid to hang out with me? :shifty: They're in the wrong line of work. If they want to be paid for spending time with someone they should become an escort or a host/hostess. And if I'm that much of a chore? They shouldn't be dating me at all, and I sure as hell don't want to be dating them! ))

Dating? I'm tempted to say I DGAF if they like me or not, but that's not strictly true; it's stupid to date anyone who doesn't like me. But my real lookout? Especially early days? Is of *I* like *them*. Not the other way around.

LOL... So essentially, what @Cashew said :D

 

[Ronin]

I'm a fan of ditching people on the first date and not attending the dates, but squeezing ideas out of what might be interesting to be done as activities.... aka, yeah, thanks for showing me a new theatre complex and another casino I might have missed and awesome icecream shop and totally wonders music club.... right, what do I need you for? Oh. A date. Right. No, sorry, I was about to go have some fun, and I'll do it better with someone else / someone trusted already / myself / myself while telling distant people what awesome activities I'm up to --

Just saying, 'a date' can be fun time for yourself, and if it's bringing you stress already and you're not even there?
Maybe a time to redefine 'a date' and not indulge that guy in it. :D

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Katie,
the only "shoulds" and "need to"s are;

That we should / need to recognise that those words usually indicate a distortion.

I tend towards Eve's advice, that it's usually not a good idea to be going in there feeling that there are obligations hanging over you. I get an uneasy feeling at the thought of someone who for obvious reasons hasn't managed to gain much experience, going on a date where a BJ is being expected.

remember that you are free to call it off or to leave at any time you choose, and don't have any obligation to give reasons. Changing your mind, or not having the right feeling is reason enough.


quick hint - probably TMI
once a guy has come, he's finished for a while. if you are doing stuff and a guy is wanting more - if you get him to come, it will be a while before he wants more sex and there's an opportunity to get back to somewhere public or to leave.

 

[Thizette]

You absolutely can have normal sex life again--it was quite a shock to me when I fell into a healthy sexual relationship.

Meeting someone online and then guaranteeing a blow on the first date is not a normal, healthy sex life. It's the sort of thing that retraumatizes people. If he knows you were raped it's not something he should ask for or expect, and you should never, ever feel obligated to engage in any kind of sexual activity or even just hold hands. It's your body and your desire, comfort, and consent are required.

A healthy sexual relationship will be with someone you feel comfortable talking to about your PTSD, someone you don't mind telling the whole detailed story to, someone to whom you can say, "I'm feeling uncomfortable because a character on my favorite TV show was raped on tonight's episode," and that person will ask how they can comfort you. It will be with someone who want to know how you're feeling. You are not going to find that person on Tindr. If you're interested in online dating, I would suggest a service that uses complex psychological/personality screenings, like eHarmony.

Please cancel your date.

And I'll give you some advice a therapist gave me--buy a vibrator. Learn what you like sexually and fall in love with yourself.

 

[Anarchy]

I'm back commenting again. there's something troubling me about what you've written.

I'm not looking for answers - just for you to ask yourself how do you feel about the whole thing? what thoughts and feelings are there?

what about the guys who you went out with unofficially? fair enough if you didn't fancy them - but there seems to be more of a sharp edge to your plans for Tuesday - this is something different, but why is it different?

It's normal for people who have PTSD to be drawn to re enact our traumas (Mit has just posted links to a couple of academic papers about re-enacting)

unfortunately the re-enactments almost never turn out well - and we can end up even more humiliated and traumatised by them, and it can easily become a habit.

I don't mean for this to trigger thoughts and feelings of being screwed up

have a think and take your time.

there is no rush to do things, it might not feel like it right now, but you do have a lot of years ahead of you. your writing shows that you are bright - and, if you don't mind this being said in a kindly school teacher sort of way by someone who's probably older than your parents- your avatar photos are really pretty. Regardless of what emotional flashbacks to feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem are saying to you at the moment - I would be very surprised if you had any trouble attracting good dates.

A worthwhile boy or girlfriend will be willing to respect you until you are both ready - someone who doesn't wait, has told you something very important about themselves by their actions.

 

[Bfab]

I agree with @EveHarrington. In addition, STDs can be contracted from blow jobs.
If you aren't 100% certain you want to do it than ere on the side of caution and don't do it.
IMHO, a guy that respects you isn't going to have a discussion about oral sex before a discussion about an exclusive relationship.