First Timer Here, Please Dont Hate Me

[teddybear]

To start off let me say I'm not perfect.

About a year ago I met a man online, we struck up a friendship and I fell for him hard. The problem he is married and has combat ptsd. He didn't tell me initially how bad the ptsd was i only found out the last 3-4 months. I am far to involved now to just leave, I love him.

About 3-4 months ago I noticed a change in him he became distant and didn't wanna talk much to me anymore yet the whole time telling me he loves me and he wants to be with me.

He checked himself into a inpatient treatment program for 30 days we were going to try to keep contact to a minimum, but me being how I was I missed him and would text him. He told me he couldn't talk to me or be around me I was hurt I thought we were over.

In the mean time a friend tried to fix me up never went on a date with him or never talked to him on the phone actually never met him. I told my bf about it and he was really mad. We seemed to sort of get passed it but not really. My problem he was released but he lied about it and when I confronted him he told me it was because I would wanna see him and he just couldn't deal with me right now. I was angry and hurt so I gave him an ultimatum leave your wife or we are through. And of course this did not happen so I was even more hurt.

He continued to tell me he loves me and only me and that all of this is due to his ptsd, he tells me he needs to get himself right first so he can leave his wife and love me how I should be loved. I was confused, angry, hurt, and embarrassed I had shared so much with him and he can just walk away, I asked him what exactly are we and he said he didn't know, my response was we are nothing I cant continue to be the other woman.

In the mean time this other guy started texting me again we never went on a date, never talked on the phone only text messages and very generic really my heart wasn't in it. Then my former ptsd bf texts me he still loves me and my world turned upside down again. I told him I had talked to someone else and he was furious with me. Now he says he has to get over ptsd and what I've done.

My question is how do I let him go to have his space to heel if he keeps coming back with I love you's and did I really do anything wrong? I'm very confused and I'm really trying to do the right thing but he still can not tell me what we are if anything.

What should I do?

 

[amethist]

Hi teddybear

Welcome to the forum.

Let me say first off that nobody will hate you on here. What they will do is give you honest and to the point advice.

My open and honest advice to you right now is to read all you can about how hard relationships are when ptsd is involved. Then to pick yourself up and walk away from this guy, not just because, but mainly because he is married and maybe does not know what he wants for himself right now. His wife may also not know he is doing any of this, and is spending a lot of time and effort caring for him as best she can.

So add in the pressure you could be putting on him to leave his wife or you are through, will probably not get you anywhere. It may cause you more pain in the future by doing this.

You need to set some boundaries, for yourself and him too. You can read about boundary setting in the carers section, this will give you an idea of what I mean with this.

As ptsd is a life long issue, you could have a life long issue dealing with all of this over and over again.

Think carefully before you make your next move, it could effect your life for ever.

I am sorry if this seems harsh, it is not meant to be. Just my honest opinion.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[teddybear]

Thank you, your reply did not come off to harsh at all. I really appreciate the honesty.

Thank you

Teddybear

 

[teddybear]

I would like some advice on how to handle some things with him though.

He has contiunuosly and adamantly insisted that his wife doesnt love him and has cheated on him several times, many of which were when he was deployed. He tells me over and over its just a living arrangement and that he by no means loves her. He also tells me they do not sleep in the same bed or have relations. He tells me if he doesn't have me has no reason to go on basically.

How do I handle this?

I do love him and I want him to get better but I agree I need to step out of the way and maybe he and his wife will find there way back to each other. If that is what he wants then I want that for him. He is really a special person and he deserves to be happy.

How do I dissappear from his life without him feeling I abandoned him?

Thanks

Teddybear

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

Welcome. Speaking as the 'wife' in a similar situation, this is not a healthy relationship. Somebody is always going to get hurt, I know.

You need to explain to him why you are stepping away and he will have to deal with it from there. He has lots of other issues to deal with.

Don't delay.
Clydie

 

[Grainne]

Wow...Teddybear, there are a lot of things wrong here, many of them are not good for you specifically (not to mention your 'bf' or his wife). Getting involved with someone who is having any kind of relationship with another is always a bad situation to be in no matter what role you play in the triangle. She might be the worst wife in the world...a truly horrible person, but it still does not make it right for him to start a relationship with you while still involved with her. No one wins here...it's bad news all 'round.

My advice would be to look very carefully at the situation at hand. PTSD would be, in my opinion, the second 'issue' you consider here.

Best of luck,
Grainne

 

[teddybear]

Yes, I know you are all right. I really don't know how I let myself get in this position and have no one but myself to blame.

Right now we are not speaking or whatever because he says he is trying to get himself "right" to leave his wife. I told him I needed to work on my own issues. I'm fearful if I contact him now and tell him I can't do this anymore I will further hurt his recovery as we are not speaking now.

I'm stuck between what I know is right and what could do terrible harm to him. I still love him I don't want to hurt him.

For those who have PTSD I'm so lost. I don't know how much of this is a symptom of that and how much is just bad choices on his part? I guess my question really is, is this behavior of seeking someone else or cheating a symptom of PTSD? He blames alot of things on this.

Thanks for the advice

Teddybear

 

[Clydiechick]

No no no. Cheating is NOT a symptom. He can try as hard as he likes to blame PTSD, but it's not the cause. You still know the difference between right and wrong. And cheating on his wife is WRONG.
Clydie

 

[catjudo]

My opinion would be that this is not a symptom of PTSD, but rather another case of someone using PTSD as an excuse for their bad behavior. He is using his PTSD diagnosis to manipulate you.

He is cheating on his wife. You are his mistress. He tells you he will leave his wife, just not yet. This sort of thing happens everyday and has nothing to do with PTSD. You need to just walk away from this "relationship" and move on with your life.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I'm sorry but I really must agree with Catjudo. This sounds to me like a creep using a diagnosis as a way to gain what he wants. I cetainly would not be in touch with him any more. Let go and move on to someone who you deserve.

 

[Lisa]

Hi teddybear,

I am sorry that you are going through such a turbulent time with this man!!

I am agreement with others here. It's sometimes helpful to remember something when it comes to PTSD, and other labels... You know, a person is not their label. PTSD does not sum up someone entirely. Just because they've been diagnosed with a disorder, does not mean everything they do is related to that disorder. Take PTSD out of this. And think about men (and women) in general. Think of all the different types of people. The cheaters, the abusers, the genuine ones, the nice ones, the manipulative ones, the somewhere in the middle but not right for you ones... Where is he in this?

Unfortunately, there are some people who decide to be womanisers and manipulators, and they excuse their behaviour with self pitying sob stories. "It's not my fault because I've been hurt before" etc. Then they get a diagnosis. And they think everything they do is related to this diagnosis, therefore nothing is ever their fault, in their control, or their responsibility. I know how that is, I lived with a man like that, my dad. It's a baaaaad trap, but one that you will find is most definitely and simply not accepted here. Because most of us aren't like this, and anybody who comes here and is like this soon leaves because they don't get what they want. It's quite an abhorrent thing that somebody would abuse their diagnosis in that way. But there are some who do, and I think this guy is one of them.

But...Have a look around here, read up on PTSD... Decide for yourself. It's important you do that so that you know what is what in YOUR mind - Not his. Because this guy is clearly confusing you to hell and back. From what I've read, it doesnt seem like this guy is treating you very well and you are feeling eroded away and exhausted. Because you love him, you're sticking with it. But, please don't feel hurt by this question because I'm not trying to be horrible (and nobody hates you!), but...What is more important for you is the question: Do you feel loved? I think you are worth feeling loved. I think you're worth somebody who will make you feel special.

 

[blarneystone]

My opinion would be that this is not a symptom of PTSD, but rather another case of someone using PTSD as an excuse for their bad behavior. He is using his PTSD diagnosis to manipulate you.

He is cheating on his wife. You are his mistress. He tells you he will leave his wife, just not yet. This sort of thing happens everyday and has nothing to do with PTSD. You need to just walk away from this "relationship" and move on with your life.

I came here to say exactly this. Being someone who suffers from PTSD; I have a ridiculous amount of intimacy issues right now, literally the last thing on my mind is starting any relationships with anyone in any way shape or form. Being intimate with someone is frightening, physically or emotionally, I can't speak for everyone, but being a mid to late 20 something I speak for myself.

Again, this is just opinion, but you should step away and seek something healthy rather than someone trying to use an excuse to get what he wants. (This cuts both ways though as you've got to admit that he is using you *if* he is using you, which can be an incredibly hard thing to own up to.)