sisterinsurvival
Silver Member
As I was running around the internet in search of links between delayed-onset PTSD and CSA, I stumbled across your community and thought that it might be helpful at this juncture in my journey to who-knows-where.
I started typing just now to share my story, but I suppose this isn't the time nor the place, so I will say that I have been active on CSA/SA survivor boards since 2007, but this is my first time as a member of a PTSD forum.
I diagnosed myself with PTSD...possibly complex...during graduate work about 4 years ago. At that time I was working solely with a Christian counselor who was very much aware of PTSD, but not equipped to handle what I was going through, though in my immediate area, he is probably better able to care for me than most others due to his own experiences. Awhile ago, I sought out and found a trauma therapist some distant from home. He specializes in combat-related issues much more than abuse and has refused to label me as a PTSD case deferring instead to the good old 309.28~adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety and depressed mood gone chronic by this point. While I have made the fifty-mile or so drive for a couple of years now, we have made little progress.
Over the last few months, I have found that I am cycling through a more difficult period and have been having some breakthrough anxiety and anger that my minimal med routine isn't managing. On my trauma therapist's (I hate that word...have you ever looked at what else it spells...the rapist!) recommendation, I was able to get a spur-of-the-moment appointment with a new psychiatrist who recently joined his practice.
I was so skiddish after my last encounter with a shrink that I was afraid to see her, but gratefully, she doesn't seem to be like the others. She is also a therapist which is what I think makes the difference. After giving her my life in a nutshell and without saying a word about it, her immediate diagnosis was PTSD.
For the time being, she is wanting to ease me off the Klonopin I have taken for a little over a year and onto Buspar which is non-addictive anxiolytic. I will take both of them for a time and gradually try to stop the Klonopin. Seeing as how I am taking the lowest dose possible, I guess that means that I will take one every other day once I begin to cut it out. When I didn't get my prescription refilled in the Feb/March(?), withdrawals were not good. From what reading I have done, Buspar doesn't receive the rave reviews of the benzos. I hope that it will work. I took the first one about 3 1/2 hours ago, and my palms are already sweaty...yuck! My guess is that I want be able to take it after this has begun. It has some effect on serotonin, and every time I have taken anything that impacts it, I have had to discontinue the prescription.
While, after all of these years, having someone finally acknowledge and diagnose PTSD seems like a victory of sorts, it has shaken my anxiety a bit. Before, I was guessing and no one was in consensus with me. Now that I have someone that has agreed with my thoughts, I am afraid. I remember the first night I found the DSM-IV criteria for PTSD. I was doing research for a paper I was writing and happened upon it. As I sat there reading what was on my screen, I had this eery feeling come over me. It was as if someone had crawled into the inner-recesses of my mind, found the secret places, and written down what my inner-life was and has been like for years. I was more than unnerved...as I am now.
I don't know what to do to manage me at this point. I have three counseling relationships...which is probably two too many. My trauma therapist has proven the least effect though he was there when I was dealing with major transference issues that centered around my first counselor whom I still see but on a much less frequent basis. He has been my rock for years, and he is still the one that I run too when I am completely overwhelmed with anxiety...and then there is the new one...the psychiatrist/psychoanalyst. She gives me hope, in a sense, because she has at least recognized what I have been struggling with. She has recommended that I stop seeing my counselor at all though which isn't sitting well with me. I am terrified to face life on this planet without knowing that he is a viable part of my support system. I understand her reasoning. I became way to attached to him...complex PTSD and the need for rescuer...and he has been willing to take on that role. If it were not for his support and dedication to seeing me along my road to recovery, I honestly do not think I would have made it through some of the most difficult struggles of my life.
I am so confused with all of this which is making for internal chaos...not a good emotional state for anyone...let alone someone with PTSD.
Uh...I said I wasn't going to share my story, but I guess I needed to...at least the present day parts of it. The back story I will get to later...
If you have read this far, know that I wish you well in your recovery,
Your Sister in Survival,
Lynn
I started typing just now to share my story, but I suppose this isn't the time nor the place, so I will say that I have been active on CSA/SA survivor boards since 2007, but this is my first time as a member of a PTSD forum.
I diagnosed myself with PTSD...possibly complex...during graduate work about 4 years ago. At that time I was working solely with a Christian counselor who was very much aware of PTSD, but not equipped to handle what I was going through, though in my immediate area, he is probably better able to care for me than most others due to his own experiences. Awhile ago, I sought out and found a trauma therapist some distant from home. He specializes in combat-related issues much more than abuse and has refused to label me as a PTSD case deferring instead to the good old 309.28~adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety and depressed mood gone chronic by this point. While I have made the fifty-mile or so drive for a couple of years now, we have made little progress.
Over the last few months, I have found that I am cycling through a more difficult period and have been having some breakthrough anxiety and anger that my minimal med routine isn't managing. On my trauma therapist's (I hate that word...have you ever looked at what else it spells...the rapist!) recommendation, I was able to get a spur-of-the-moment appointment with a new psychiatrist who recently joined his practice.
I was so skiddish after my last encounter with a shrink that I was afraid to see her, but gratefully, she doesn't seem to be like the others. She is also a therapist which is what I think makes the difference. After giving her my life in a nutshell and without saying a word about it, her immediate diagnosis was PTSD.
For the time being, she is wanting to ease me off the Klonopin I have taken for a little over a year and onto Buspar which is non-addictive anxiolytic. I will take both of them for a time and gradually try to stop the Klonopin. Seeing as how I am taking the lowest dose possible, I guess that means that I will take one every other day once I begin to cut it out. When I didn't get my prescription refilled in the Feb/March(?), withdrawals were not good. From what reading I have done, Buspar doesn't receive the rave reviews of the benzos. I hope that it will work. I took the first one about 3 1/2 hours ago, and my palms are already sweaty...yuck! My guess is that I want be able to take it after this has begun. It has some effect on serotonin, and every time I have taken anything that impacts it, I have had to discontinue the prescription.
While, after all of these years, having someone finally acknowledge and diagnose PTSD seems like a victory of sorts, it has shaken my anxiety a bit. Before, I was guessing and no one was in consensus with me. Now that I have someone that has agreed with my thoughts, I am afraid. I remember the first night I found the DSM-IV criteria for PTSD. I was doing research for a paper I was writing and happened upon it. As I sat there reading what was on my screen, I had this eery feeling come over me. It was as if someone had crawled into the inner-recesses of my mind, found the secret places, and written down what my inner-life was and has been like for years. I was more than unnerved...as I am now.
I don't know what to do to manage me at this point. I have three counseling relationships...which is probably two too many. My trauma therapist has proven the least effect though he was there when I was dealing with major transference issues that centered around my first counselor whom I still see but on a much less frequent basis. He has been my rock for years, and he is still the one that I run too when I am completely overwhelmed with anxiety...and then there is the new one...the psychiatrist/psychoanalyst. She gives me hope, in a sense, because she has at least recognized what I have been struggling with. She has recommended that I stop seeing my counselor at all though which isn't sitting well with me. I am terrified to face life on this planet without knowing that he is a viable part of my support system. I understand her reasoning. I became way to attached to him...complex PTSD and the need for rescuer...and he has been willing to take on that role. If it were not for his support and dedication to seeing me along my road to recovery, I honestly do not think I would have made it through some of the most difficult struggles of my life.
I am so confused with all of this which is making for internal chaos...not a good emotional state for anyone...let alone someone with PTSD.
Uh...I said I wasn't going to share my story, but I guess I needed to...at least the present day parts of it. The back story I will get to later...
If you have read this far, know that I wish you well in your recovery,
Your Sister in Survival,
Lynn
