Relationship "flakiness"

[Wastinglight]

@Lemontree - we do socialise, every weekend, but only with people at our sporting club, and only while we are actually doing that activity. It is a 'safe' place for him - one of the few places he feels comfortable. We don't socialise together with anyone outside that social circle, and we don't even socialise with those people in a purely social setting (for instance, sometimes people from the club invite us out to dinner - if I want to go, I have to go by myself). I have my own friends with whom I catch up every now and then, but he never comes with me.

It doesn't bother me all that much, as I suffer from social anxiety too, and I'm usually happy to have an excuse to bail on social commitments. But being excluded from his family events really hurts. I don't have family close by, so I always look forward to spending time with his family. If he continues to exclude me, I will have to raise it with him.

He doesn't like me singing because he says it distracts him from his thoughts. It makes me sad every time he tells me not to, because singing is part of who I am. It's one of the things that sometimes makes me feel like I am not accepted for who I am (although part of that is my own insecurities and low self esteem).

 

[Fadeaway]

A lack of normal exposure to germs can weaken the babies immune system. Too sterile of an environment leads to increased allergies later on.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@Fadeaway: don't worry. The baby gets all the germs he needs from me and his older brother.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@Wastinglight: Do you sing that much - all of the time? Did you tell him you are sad that you are excluded from his family events. I cannot imagine him feeling unsafe at family events. He has combat ptsd, hasn't he?

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm confused, @Lemontree, are you opposed to considering that passive-aggression is a communication style being employed in this instance, or you just do not like to discuss the agency of passive-aggression as a rule?

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I want to be a team with my husband and I don't want to think poorly of him or think he is trying to "harm" me. I would be very offended if he thought lI would try to harm him.

 

[Kintsugi]

Passive-aggression is a communication style everyone uses every now and then. The whole spectrum of communication is utilized at some point by everybody. Assertive communication is the healthiest, most straightforward way of communicating, but I almost never see assertive communication in my day-to-day. Passive-aggression is the most popular communication style I see everywhere, all the time. I don't think people who use it are bad. I just think it doesn't accomplish half as much as assertive communication.

If I could have a frank discussion with everyone about their communication habits, I would, but the forum is the place where we put these things under a microscope, not at work, at the deli, at the restaurant, etc., because the people participating here are seeking to imrove their overall health. And that's awesome. ;)

I hope nothing I said caused any offense. As I said, I was speaking from a personal stance, and I know all too well how passive-aggression can be a protective overcoat for a multitude of my symptoms. That overcoat sucks, and it's easy to forget I have it on at all, and even easier to forget what it's hiding beneath the hem. :)

 

[scout86]

@Simply Simon could you expand a little on passive aggressive humor? I don't want to hijack the thread, but this is something I've never really thought of and I'm not sure I get it. (Which, trust me, is ME not getting it!)

 

[holdenmonty]

that is a tough situation. Is he going to therapy at all? It sounds like some exposure therapy with a therapist would help a lot. For me I had to do it on my own at first. My therapist taught me how to find out what my subconcious is thinking and how to challenge it and then I would go to a crowded place like a grocery store on payday or to the mall and stay until I felt anxious and then looked into my subconcious thoughts and then challenged them then I would get to a space alone and compose myself and would just take baby steps. I would be against doing exposure therapy without the assistance of a therapist because if you aren't careful you can actually make things worse.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

You confuse me @holdenmonty. I don't mean to be rude. I am more worried. I chatted with you about his exposure therapy - in great lenght. Don't you remember? Really I am a bit worried because you seem to forget about things asap... and I think that you should discuss this with your psysch (unless your forget about this too). Because - do you remember? - how you asked me if I could read the article about you and I said that I already did and gave you an answer and then you remembered. I thinks it's unsusual for a person to forget so much... maybe your meds are too strong - just a guess - I don't understand much about meds - or you don't get enough sleep.

He does exposure (both his fear of germs and his fear of crowds), but he does not want to discuss all of his fears with his therapist because he is afraid that he will lose his fear of germs and won't be able to protect us anymore. I think he can clearly see his fear of crowds is irrational but cannot see the same for his fear of germs.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@Simply Simon: You caused no offense. Don't worry... but I don't think he is aggressive. He just doesn't realize that this style of communicating can make things complicated...

but I'd like to go back to the topic which was a question for the spouses: How much flakiness do you tolerate? As a sufferer: How much flakiness should a spouses tolerate?

 

[holdenmonty]

I'm sorry I do remember now. I think that there is so much in my head that things tend to slip out between life and the forums.