For me it has always been the process of what I went through thinking about my trauma that caused me to panic. In essence, I would start to recount the memory then panic not because of the content of my movie but bc I knew that it could last hours or even days and I dreaded that. Yes, the content was disturbing but the unknown time frame in which I would think about it was worse.
Also, I have done a lot of emdr with huge success on some pretty awful things. Very violent happenings in my childhood. I have never done emdr where I didn't have some sort of significant shift in anxiety. Peter Levine talks about this theory where you lean in to the pain and then step away, then lean back in. For me, I only conquered it when I sat down and took it on and stayed with it until I had some relief. Thankful that my therapist suggested it and gave me the time allotment to do this. Sometimes it took a few hours but in the end I kicked it in the ass. It was hard and I did struggle and it did cause me to become very symptomatic. Then I would come back either the next day or the following for a follow up and processing. Damn it has been hard and the commitment given to me by my therapist makes it impossible to quit. Lol.
I'm not saying that you should be ok having some major flashback but I don't think that expecting not to have a fairly significant rise in anxiety over the subject is realistic. I would shake and tremble going through my story. Sometimes I sweat profusely and get nauseated t the point where I could throw up easily. It's complex and I understand very scary. Hang in there. Please feel free to pm me if I can give you any particulars. Best wishes.
