Flashbacks Associated With The Shower

[Misvenus000]

Please excuse me for not explaining who I am or my name. I would like to keep that personal. This is a very personal issue for me. I can't even talk to my therapist about it mainly because I believe I can control it. I come on here because I know I can't.

I know this might be a bit strange but I have been suffering from PTSD for many years. I have been able to control the better part of it. Unfortunately I cannot control the one I have in the shower. This is mainly because I was sexually abused in the shower by a family friend when I was about 10 years old. Every time I know I have to bathe I start to get nervous. I also try to get associated with the shower to control my fear. Every single time I go into the shower I have a panic attack. It's horrible. I feel my arms and legs go numb. I feel like someone is watching me. I get flashbacks of that moment in time. I will never be able to take a shower without remembering what happened to me. It's like reliving the whole situation everyday. It's exhausting.

In some instances, I wont let my husband get into the shower with me because if I have my eyes closed, and he touches me, I get upset. I am a wreck! I know that PTSD has triggers. Unfortunately, mine is an almost daily occurrence. I have been on numerous amounts of medication. Right now my therapist believes I have a Mood Bipolar Disorder. He gave me Lamictal 25mg to start off with. Then I am to take 50mg after two weeks. Now, I believe that I may have a mood issue but I don't think it is Bipolar. Then again, I am not the doctor. This makes my PTSD worse when I get into the shower.

I can never relax. I can't even bathe correctly at times. At one point, I get so scared that I feel like I'm going to pass out, I jump out of the shower without washing my face or shaving my legs. I can just take a tub bath but I feel so defeated. I am so determined to take a shower without being scared or remembering everything that happened to me that day. Every single time I shower I feel like I am going to die. I am so fed up with it!

I hope things will work with this medication. I am really new to the whole idea. I was told that it can help people with PTSD or anxiety even if I do not have a Mood Bipolar Disorder. I have to wait at least three weeks or so to see any improvement. Thank you for reading this. I hope to help others in the process of my healing as well.

 

[Leah123]

Welcome! I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I'd managed my post traumatic stress very well for years also, however, managing isn't as wonderful as healing, I'm finding. I have a very hard time with baths myself. Is your therapist trustworthy? If so, if you don't feel you can tell them, can you print this and give it to them, or just email it to them? My therapist helps me hold on to my fears about my memories and flashbacks and helps take away some of the intensity as I share with her. I've found it helpful to have her as an ally in this extremely difficult work.

 

[anonymous]

Showering and bathing is a massive trigger for me also. I generally end up as my child alter (DID and PTSD) full on reliving past events. Eventually telling my therapist has helped but I have no words of wisdom for you, only prayers and hugs if you accept them.

I hope things improve for you soon, your not alone xx

 

[roaminggnome]

I too have shower issues. I took a bubble bath and it triggered them again. For the longest time it didn't bother me. I did EMDR on these issues and it helped. Now I'm in a bit of an upheaval in life so things are stirred up. I take really fast showers these days. I need to speak with my therapist about it.

 

[Misvenus000]

I'm sad to say that I am not alone but happy to know that I have support. It is a good feeling to know that I am supported. Makes me a little teary eyed to be honest :)

It is a great idea to print out what I wrote so I can read it to my therapist. I also believe it might be a good idea to blog everything. More like a journal. One thing that I will not get defeated in is helping others. If speaking of my past will help someone, if anyone at all, it is totally worth it. I don't have a problem sharing my stories. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

One other thing I wanted to ask is, does anyone with a sexual abused past have issues with sex? In other words, I feel as though sex is inappropriate, although I do enjoy having sex with my husband, I sometimes feel gross or feel as though we shouldn't be doing that at all. I feel really bad for my husband because he is very loving and understanding. I know having intercourse with your spouse is completely normal but to me (sometimes, not all the time) I feel as though sex is a bad thing and we shouldn't be doing it. I feel so trashy and gross at times. Is that normal with sexual abuse?

I'm still learning :( and YES I will talk to my therapist. I have another visit on Friday. I will let her know about what's been going on. Thank you again for all of your responses. It means a lot to me.

 

[Candleflames]

Hi Misvenus000 and welcome to the forum.

Your story doesn't sound strange at all. You are in good company here with people who understand. Many of us can avoid our triggers. It may help us manage the day to day symptoms but doesn't really help in the long run. Try not to beat yourself up when you need to take a bath instead of a shower. It's easier said then done. Maybe you can turn it into a treat by using bubbles or scented oils to pamper yourself. If anyone deserves some gentle pampering it is you. It really is self care not a defeat.

Leah123's idea of printing out your post to take to your therapist is a great idea. Reading it is also a great way for you to take charge of your therapy but is also totally ok if you need to just hand it over for her to read. I'm pretty notorious for dropping big issues in the last ten minutes of my sessions and then practically running out the door.

Shame, disgust, embarrassment, self loathing are all normal feeling for those of us with ptsd. It's part of what makes treatment so difficult. Our abusers used these emotions to keep us in-line and controllable as well as to keep us silent because they knew what they were doing was wrong. Talking about what happened with your therapist and on here will help you with those. There is also the My Sex Abuse forum that can connect you with others who have experienced the same kind of abuse. The link is at the bottom of the page.

Also check out the wiki and self help pages here. The links are at the top just under the header. It can help you make sense out of the symptoms you are having. I found it especially helpful to make sense out what I thought were just defects of me but are actually part of the ptsd.

My doc also had concerns about how much of what I was experiencing was from the abuse as a child and how much might be from a mood disorder. He took his time and was very gentle with me as we pulled apart the different symptoms. Lamictal was one of the medications we discussed. We decided to go with a different mood stabilizer that would also treat the dissociative episodes. I'm glad you found your way here for support as you work on truly healing.

Good luck with your next appointment.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hello,

Only just seen this thread and I'd like to welcome you to the forum. I was also sexually abused and some of it happened at 'bath time', in the shower. So, I get where you're coming from and it's sad to see that there are other members affected by it.

Other issues with sex- oh goodness yes. I know you're definitely not in that boat on your own either. Feels right with a safe person but so wrong at the same time. I hope you can share this with your therapist, it's something I'm trying to do but it's hard. The journalling idea is a good one, have you checked out the 'trauma diaries' section? I've printed my posts out and given them to my therapist before now, when the words have been too hard to say.

 

[I_Am_A_Miracle]

I have the shower thing and the sex thing. Was sexually abused around the same age. For me, talk therapy has not helped much. somatic-experiencing, however, has. My therapist has suggested that I stay away from EMDR for now because 1) my trauma is from an early age and I don't have a full memory of it as I might for, say, a car crash in adult hood, and 2) I am not stable enough for EMDR. I also find that EFT tapping really helps with the day-to-day anxiety. Thank you for the question.