Flashbacks + Dissociation?

[pontifixmax]

In my sexual abuse survivor group today images of the abuse kept popping into my mind, which I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. Along with this I felt transported back to when I was a kid while it was happening. I felt smaller, my mind simpler, which was terrifying since all I wanted was to get the images out of my head but I felt not myself, I couldn't think straight, + felt paralyzed and powerless to do anything about it. All the way home I felt like I was somewhere else, not really here, not really there, which I assume is something akin to dissociation. I still feel messed up by it while I sit here typing this.

Why am I dealing with this now? The abuse happened more than half a lifetime ago and I've never experienced this, until now. Sure in the past I had memories of the abuse but they were devoid of emotion, not like this. I get it that delving into my abuse history in therapy is going to bring up alot of stuff but is it “normal” (as if any of its normal) to start having flashbacks and experiencing dissociation so long after the fact? Why didn’t they occur earlier? The whole experience was very unsettling and I really don’t want it to happen again so what do people recommend to avoid having them? Is there anything that can be done to stop them? If not how do I ride it out? I’m really afraid of losing control and not being able to function. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now with different things and I can’t afford the time to be sidelined. Your thoughts are appreciated.

 

[Lionheart]

Pontifixmax,

IMHO, you are dealing with this now because you are processing the abuse, and most likely were triggered (flashback). Feeling like a small child is part of that process. It is normal to have this happen. Intrusive thoughts/memories are par for the course. I would not try to avoid having this happen, but instead recognize that when these things happen, you are making progress towards healing yourself from the trauma.

(I remember when I was processing sexual child abuse memories; my hands felt like they were too big for my body and I felt like an inanimate object, although I was a full grown adult).:confused:

You are healing yourself from one of the most damaging things a person can experience, so it makes sense that you would have difficulty functioning at times. Try being extra kind to yourself through this time in your life and remember that it will get better and you won't be dealing with these kinds of things forever.

If you haven't already, I invite you to come to the sister site and discuss sexual child abuse with us there....
[DLMURL]http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/forum/[/DLMURL]

my best to you,
LH

 

[olaja]

When I recognize that I dissociate (the feeling of not being in your body, numb, off to the side, etc.) I try to do something that brings me back to the present. I move my toes. I rub my hands together. I wiggle my butt in my chair. For me, it is very challenging to stay present when the bad stuff comes up because the bad stuff is excruciating to experience. However, this practice is the way thru that has been working for me. Little by little...centimeter by centimeter!
Peace.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

The flashbacks and dissociation can begin at any time.

Flashbacks often begin when you are ready to confront your experiences. I've always had memories of the things I experiences. However full-blown flashbacks did not start until a little over 7 years ago.

Dissociation in contrast is a coping mechanism, which can start as early as the first trauma. Plus it can kick in whenever there is a trigger around. I have experienced it since infancy according to my mother. If I become overstimulated, triggered, overwhelmed by flashbacks, I often flee into dissociation.

A therapist from a while ago could clearly tell the difference between the two as can some of my friends. They said that during flashbacks I blink and do some repetitive movements with my hands and arms. During dissociation I just stare into space and the only time in my life I become relaxed.