Flashbacks From Child Sexual Assault.

[ms spock]

When I have sex I keep grounded by focussing on this now.

I can remember my father's body and so a body different from his means I can stay in the present.

My current partner has whiskers/beard to hide his partially paralysed face. This keeps me flickering back to being with my father.

This is meaning I can't have sex at the moment but as I have been sick it has not been such an issue. But I am getting better now. I am feeling scared as so much has come up.

I can't describe the flashbacks very well. Even typing this post is really hard.

I am not sure what to do.

 

[Viosinger]

Would lights help? Sometimes when I have a hard time, having the lights on or daytime sex where I can see my partner's face helps.

 

[maryel42]

For me, the smell is important. To stay grounded, I focus in my own body. Where is my back, the feeling of weight on my shoulders, etc. I also keep up an internal dialogue when it's really tough. Let my mind wander.

Maybe that's not so helpful.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Can you use a different position? That along with lights and smells should help, I would think. I can't even begin to think about having sex so you all are so brave!

 

[Powder]

This is tough. What helped me was to make a firm promise to myself to just abstain until I feel 100% safe and sure of myself going into it. If I have doubts, I just don't let myself feel mixed feelings and try it anyway. That led to holding my breath, then panic attacks, then flashbacks. I can't feel even a tiny bit conflicted.

Basically, I see it as a mind game I have to bypass with myself, because I'm not in T. at this time and on my own devices. Smell in general has helped me. Lights on a bit, too, definitely. All this is good advice.

For me, he had to learn to not have expectations or put any kind of pressure on me. He has to get what he gets. :)

Whatever works for you, I hope you figure it out so you can feel a bit more normal and in the present. (HUGs)

Loving myself is hard. My body image is always negative, so that makes it worse, too. Diet and exercise help me to have a better self-image, even when I'm still not 100% thrilled to look in the mirror.

 

[ms spock]

The other problem is size he is 1.96cm.6/6ft tall. He is much larger than me so before my hands would be the same size as my partner but now there is that size difference like between me and my father.

 

[ms spock]

So this is the updated post to what I struggled so hard to write last night.

When I have sex I keep grounded by focussing on this now.

I can remember my father's body and so a body different from his means I can stay in the present.

My current partner has whiskers/beard to hide his partially paralysed face. This keeps me flickering back to being with my father. But I have adjusted my kissing and he is trimming his beard for me as I say it is scratchy for me.

I haven't told him about this issue much. I think I have to manage it and I can say what I want and will do and he is cool with that it seems.

This is meaning I can't have sex at the moment but as I have been sick it has not been such an issue. But I am getting better now. I am feeling scared as so much has come up.

I can't describe the flashbacks very well. Even typing this post is really hard. I was really freaking out about this before I was coming up here. Then B was too tired the first night, then the first almost week and I was disappointed! It seems I am never happy.

I am not sure what to do. But at least writing this here is a start. I have managed this well and not so well at various times.

The other problem is size he is 1.96cm.6/6ft tall. He is much larger than me so before my hands would be the same size as my partner but now there is that size difference like between me and my father. So that is difficult.

So I am still sick and have been falling apart a lot. Generally with my issues and challenges around emotional regulation I am really all over the place during a day anyway - with quite extreme emotions that I cycle through.

 

[The Albatross]

A bit confused by what is causing you difficulty now as this is not a new relationship for you. Is it because you love him? Things seemed to be okay right, until the phone call interrupting things, or no?

 

[ms spock]

Um the loving thing could be an element of it.

The intimacy/sex thing has always been a challenge for me, and was hard for me but I kept grounding myself in the now, and managed. Not feeling like I am managing right at the moment.

The other thing is because we live in different states and mostly have phone contact, the issues that would usually come up in a relationship early on have been delayed due to lack of proximity.

 

[Viosinger]

If love is a factor... Some honest about hesitance may be necessary. Some days I can walk in, have some worries & enjoy sex. But there are certainly nights where my partner wants sex, I enjoy sex & wish I could, but sometimes I know I just can't handle it. It's hard, but he's been very understanding. I wouldn't push yourself too hard.

 

[ms spock]

So I set up a place in the motor home, outside of the house, which is a place where I have never been sexually abused by my father. I got some lavender oil and rubbed on B. I put a visit sight of trees out side so I have a grounding connection. So I did manage to have intimacy/sex yesterday. It was so good to be able to do that.

 

[The Albatross]

Way to think out of the box Ms. Spock!!! Repeat, repeat, repeat as you are able to normalize the experience focusing on the fact that this is in the present and a man you love. :tup: