Flashbacks Won't Stop, May End Up Being Admitted.

[FindingMyself88]

I am not in a good place right now. I have gone 3 solid days with not only no sleep but in full panic/crisis mode. The flashbacks came back full force around the one year anniversary in November. I had dissociated a lot of the rape until then. Therapist has been trying to help with coping skills and getting ready to do EMDR. It's hard but it has helped with the other targets.

But over thanksgiving I got HUGELY triggered. I was taking a nap with Bristol in my old bedroom at grandparents. They were gone to bingo, wasn't expecting anyone. My uncle came over to see me, didn't hear him come in. He knocked and came into room looking for me. I went from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds. I incoherently told him I needed time. Full flashback, body memories galore... every since I've been highly triggered.

We tried just setting up EMDR yesterday and beginning. Only 5 minutes in and I go into flashback and shutdown. My therapist asked if it was okay to touch my arm and she helped draw me out slowly. She cancelled her next session just so she wouldn't let me leave until I was safe. Left, tried distractions for a bit. Did okay until time to sleep. It seems even laying down is a trigger now. Was to the point that I almost told my mom to take me to ER but I didn't want to go back to the same place I went in March because I was SEVERELY triggered by violent guys there on unit. Plus Bristol is not ready for an inpatient stay which would mean me going without her.

Talked to therapist this morning. Said if I need to go there is another place local that she has contacts and could call to get me straight admitted and on the best unit possible. But our goal is for me to just make it until I can see her tomorrow. She wants me to take brisk walks then try to take at max 20 minute naps (set alarm).

I just need this to stop. I can't talk to my parents about it because i don't trust my mom and my stepdad just kind of says "You aren't going to hospital, we will watch you." He works nights so thats easy for him to say. But I need them on my side if I do go because they would be the ones to watch Bristol.

I'm so tired of this. Sorry for choppy post, not sure it even makes sense...

 

[desiderata310]

@FindingMyself88 You are making sense.
Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug:s if you accept them. My heart goes out to you. We are here to support you in whatever you choose to do.

I had to go inpatient once, and had to leave my service dog behind. It was a trade off, but it was worth it to keep me alive. I'm glad your therapist can help get to the best place if you do end up being admitted. I'm so sorry your uncle was there... how awful!

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank y'all...

It does look like I will be admitted today. Another night of no sleep, I feel like I am staying on the verge of a panic attack, my chest is tight. My body is beyond exhausted but wired at the same time. I am literally counting the minutes until I see my therapist at 3... 227 minutes. It is going to kill me being away from Bristol but I know I need to do this for both of us. She knows something is up and is acting out because of it.

 

[desiderata310]

You are doing what is necessary for you and that is all that matters.

Bristol will be ok. I'm glad that you two have bonded so well but this is something not even she can help you with right now.
and you're under 200 minutes! Keep breathing. It's going to be ok.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I'm at the hospital. She couldn't get me in where she tried because they were full. So we are in the ER. It's a 6 hour wait and I've been here and hour and a half.

 

[joeylittle]

Hang in there, @FindingMyself88 - you're doing the right thing, supporting yourself and your recovery, and that is never an easy thing.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@FindingMyself88 – I was just thinking about you and wondering how you're doing? I know you were having a really difficult time when you wrote this, and I hope things have calmed down for you. Sending hugs and gental support.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@HollyBeans27 Thank you. I am....okay? Better than I was. I did end up getting admitted and stayed for a week, but on a different unit thankfully. They put me on some meds to help. They have helped bring it down out of crisis mode. I see my psychiatrist on Friday, I will be asking for something for anxiety (they took me off Klonopin) and to up the sleeping meds. Due to going so long with horrible sleep patterns and the nightmares, my neck and shoulders have been SUPER tense for months, but have gotten worse and is now down into my back. I get severe muscle spasms and am having a hard time sleeping again (did good for 2 weeks out of unit!). Doctor is trying me on another muscle relaxer.

I see my therapist tomorrow, haven't seen her in 3 weeks over the holidays. Starting next week we will start EMDR again. She blames herself for me getting to the point I did. In the past when we did EMDR she allotted me 2 hours and did it 2x a week. She works at a nonprofit place and was only charging me for 1 hour each. They got onto her so she had to quit. But after this happened she went and talked to her director and told her that she just cannot do real trauma work in one hour. So all that said we will be doing 2 hour sessions again. It does help because it gives us time to ease in and ease out instead of rush in and out and gives us time to talk about anything that has happened during the week.

I made the mistake of telling my mom about what happened last November. My stepdad found out at the ER, but he said he would wait and let me tell her. I told her while we were at a close friend's house. It's her best friend and the lady is like a second mom to me. My mom actually got MAD because I hadn't told her first. Jerri snapped at her and told her "This is not about YOU!" But my mom never said anything to me in support and stayed mad. I shouldn't have expected anything different :/. Everything is always about her!

Despite the fact that it was TOTALLY illegal for them to deny Bristol access, they refused to even allow visits with her. My parents were willing to bring her up there during their visits so I could see her. My doctor was on board as well as my Occupational Therapist (OT) who was even willing to take me off the unit to her office for a visit so that there wasn't a liability with the other patients. The OT was actually someone I knew from the last time I was in there. I had emailed her when I knew I was coming back so even though she wasn't on my unit, she came to see me everyday. She knows how much Bristol means and does for me and tried her best. She did print out a picture of her for me to keep while in the unit which helped. So I will be filing a report to get them educated on the proper laws. They kept asking for identifications and such for her. Technically there is no certification for Service Dogs, but yeah.

Anyways sorry for the long post. I started back to college today, but am only retaking an online course that I had to drop the last time I went inpatient. I am trying to focus on that and training with Bristol. Also doing a lot of art journaling which helps. Thank you for the support <3

 

[Powder]

I'm glad you have Bristol. Dogs are wonderful and better supporters than people sometimes; they are almost always happy to see you and return your love without holding back.

I wish someone in your family would show you more empathy and support. It makes me sad to think of a kind person like you getting that response. But I want to hug your therapist. She sounds amazing! I'm happy for you that you have her in your life, willing to fight for what's best for you. We need more like her, and like you. So brave and thinking of Bristol when you were afraid. That's saying something I think. Sometimes when I'm that triggered and having flashbacks, I can only think of myself and feel even worse and more guilt. The fact you thought of your dog shows that you have real strength and a good heart.